Thank you. This time around it's not physical (though she has admitted to hitting a previous partner) so for the most part I'm just a bowl of jelly psychologically and not in any immediate danger.

I think (?) I am on the verge of leaving this relationship but for any abuse victim, leaving is this unexplainable mental anguish where even though you know it's bad, and know that despite the confusing words and gestures they don't truly love or respect you, you are conditioned to believe you don't deserve better and have some sort of sick addiction to this person who is hurting you as of they are the only one who can make you feel better.

Then spread that out to a lifetime of abuse, particularly as someone who has received limited support, and you can imagine how weak I am. I've never known anything else but this.

My social network, support systems, work/finances and physical and mental health have all been destroyed. I have a place to stay which is better than some, but honestly I have nothing left and the idea of 'starting again' from even lower than I've been before, especially with less support than ever, seems totally impossible.

There's a lot of posturing and virtue signalling about services, support, and care for men but the reality is you're on your own for the most part when it comes to getting anything beyond 20min at a time with a randomly allocated phone counsellor who has less experience than you as an 'aware' victim do.

Like I said, safe here but so very tired.