Hello @rlec16
I'm glad you joined this forum. I joined recently too and already it has been such a supportive experience. I hope you experience the same warm welcome, non judgemental support, and find comfort and reassurance from others.
I can't say that I know what your life is like for you, because I'm not living it. But I do understand the extreme isolation of being an at home mum with children, and battling inner thoughts that drive me to despair. No matter how supportive your partner may be, spending long hours (and those daytime hours sometimes feel sooo long when you are already exhausted and have nothing left to give) at home with kids is really really hard.
I had post natal depression after my 2nd child was born. My 2 sons are 27 months apart. I tried to seek help, I saw a counsellor who told me to put my kids in long day child care (I didn't want to do that plus I couldn't afford it!), and a GP who said that because I had so much insight into my depression she thought I was recovered (I wasn't, that black pit of despair was unfathomable), and after months of telling him about how much I was struggling, my husband finally understood I needed help. We made some major changes to our lives with his work and our budget to allow him to be home more often. It used to feel like I held my breath during the day until my husband walked through the door at night, when I could finally relax. He didn't see how I felt and functioned during the day, when I felt like I was unsafe to be with my children. I used to become scared that I would harm them somehow, not that I wanted to. My mind was full of fears, anxieties, it was so difficult to escape from myself. Just having him in the home helped me feel safe again.
I don't know your situation @rlec16 . Do you have anyone you trust who knows how you are feeling, what a struggle it is for you? Do you have a GP/clinician who is caring for you - have you asked to have your meds reviewed? From personal experience, medication is one part of recovery, but on it's own isn't enough. We need genuine connection with others, where we can be ourselves and feel supported and not judged. And we need to nurture ourselved, like others here have said, to find a way that we get some 'me time' to replenish ourselves. Everyone is different on what that means. For some it is time away from parenting, for others it is having others with us to provide company while we parent. I have been so fortunate to have several women who have co-parented with me while our husbands worked - sharing the load of keeping little ones occupied and harmonious, while cooking, drinking tea, talking, sharing the emotional load. Finding those friends took time and effort - I had to get to play groups to find other parents who became friends over time. But it was so worth it. We have spent 12 years helping each other to raise our babies. They are among my dearest friends.
Along with medication and connection, sometimes we need ongoing therapuetic support to help us get through what we are experiencing, and to learn some new ways of coping. Again, this is unique for everyone, finding the right fit of a mental health professional can take a few attempts. Sometimes our fears get in the way, or our pre conceived ideas of what it will be like.
My mum had major mental illness during my childhood (she raised 4 of us mostly on her own, my alcoholic father didn't know how to parent, and he spent most of our $$ so she had to be very resourceful). I remember her spending days locked in her bedroom, crying. I remember her exhaustion and trying to survive, feed 4 children, clothe us all, keep a garden to grow food, keep poultry to eat. It was a continous struggle for her. In my mid teens she finally started taking some medication that seemed to help more. She slept a lot though, I became her carer when I was 13 until I left home at 19. She's very well these days, has been mostly for the past 25 years. Recovery is possible. Things getting better is possible. Sometimes we have to ask for help, have to accept that it is too much for us to do on our own, and that there's no shame in saying that you need help. Getting help can take a while, it can be a process. What is helpful is unique for every one of us. I hope you will stay in touch with us here, and let us know how you are getting on.
