Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[SN1]

Hi,

I’ve never been part of anything like this before, but desperately need help to make sense of a situation I’m in.

My partner of less than a year is convinced that I have been unfaithful and refuses to talk to someone who can help. 

I’m struggling every single day to cope with the accusations. It’s 24 hours a day. He has made himself physically ill with the stress of something that has never even happened. I don’t have the skills to help him, but I need help for myself. I spoke to a councillor today but they didn’t give me any coping skills or advice. Just told me to contact a DV hotline. 

Has anyone been through something like this before? What do I do? 

[Jynx]

Hey @SN1 welcome, I'm gad you found this space and that you're reaching out for some support - sounds like a very challenging situation. 

First and foremost, your safety is most important. Whilst it may not fit a classic definition of DV, if the situation ever makes you feel unsafe (be it from threat of physical violence, or from ongoing distress on your psyche), it is very okay to remove yourself from the situation, and to call a DV support line (like 1800Respect). Please also call 000 if you are worried he is in danger of hurting himself, or hurting someone else. We don't yet know if it is psychosis or not, but it might be, and psychosis is tricky in that it can be very unpredictable - so having those options on the table as backup is important. I also imagine that the folks over at 1800Respect are very aware and understanding of the fact that situations like this can have a lot of nuance, and can offer support and insight that may be quite valuable for navigating the situation. You could also contact the SANE support line (1800 187 263, Mon-Fri 10am-8pm) for input as well, as this kind of situation would be familiar to the team, and they may help you to explore things in a bit more depth. 

Coping with this kind of situation would be really hard, especially since it sounds unclear as to what is going on underneath - i.e. is it psychosis or something else? Did something trigger this thought process? Without psychological intervention, it might be difficult to determine. You can always get in touch with your local CATT to see if they believe external psychological intervention is needed, and help you figure out possible next steps. 

At the end of the day, your psychological safety also deserves to be protected, so I encourage you to engage in self-care where possible, and to keep reaching out for support along the way. I hope this helps, and we're here to answer your questions and provide support as best we can. You don't deserve to be alone in this 💜

[SN1]

Thanks so much for your reply. I have researched many things over the last few months and psychosis seems likely.

About a month into our relationship he came to my house one afternoon saying that his new boss told him that we had been sleeping together. I’ve never even seen this man before, let alone met him in person. I was completely caught off guard and assumed I would never see him again once he left my house. He came home the next day and apologised and seemed to believe I was genuine. 

we moved to the Gold Coast a few months later and the accusations began again, and he started accusing me every few weeks. Then he told me that it wasn’t that guy, that it was apparently a different guy. Again, I had never met this person. 

My partner left that job a month or so later and started a new job. He has also accused me of sleeping with men from this job too. He says that there are multiple men I have been with, and although none of them have mentioned me by name, he is convinced that it’s me. He says they have been showing a photo of this girl around so I told him to look at the photo to see that it’s not me, but he deflects each time I mention it. 

Amidst both jobs, he has also accused me of sleeping with our neighbour. I have never even stepped foot on the neighbours property, but he thinks the neighbour comes here to our house. 

He has put cameras up at each entrance to the house which I allowed because I thought it would prove once and for all that I am being honest, but he just watches them all night while he’s at work and stresses himself half to death. He barely eats, he barely sleeps and our house is such an aggressive and depressive place to be all day every day. I lost my job about 6 weeks ago so he has been the only money earner that entire time. This has made the accusations ramp up as he believes I didn’t want to work (I started a new job this week) and he claims that while he’s at work I’m sleeping with his co workers. 

I’m constantly fighting off these accusations and defending myself when I’ve done absolutely nothing wrong. I have never been with anyone but he absolutely won’t believe that, no matter how much evidence I show him to prove my innocence. I don’t know what else to do. He was supposed to speak to the mental health team today, but I think when they called he didn’t take it. 

I know that he is going through something that he doesn’t understand and clearly can’t control, but I can’t cope with the mood swings and aggression that comes with this. 

He has a very sad upbringing with a mother suffering from Bipolar and Psychosis as well as an abusive father. There is sexual assault in his history also (not from his parents) that he evidently has not addressed.

I believe that everyone deserves to have someone in their corner, and I truly believe that he never really has. I just can’t make him see that I am there for him. He doesn’t believe anything I say.

In saying that, he recognises that he needs help, but somehow still believes I have been unfaithful, even though this particular accusation is the reason we went to the GP to get the referral in the first place. 

I don’t understand how this works, so I’m not helpful. I’m hurt from the constant battery of my character and told that I don’t respect myself enough not to sleep with anyone that looks at me. It makes me angry all the time and I lash out because I’m mentally exhausted by all of this. 

I just don’t know what to do

[Jynx]

@SN1 wow, that is really quite intense. I am really hearing how overwhelming it is, and it sounds quite invasive too - being under constant scrutiny, and physical surveillance too. Sounds like no matter what you say, since his ideas about this are not based in reality, no amount of evidence will convince him otherwise. 

Everyone does deserve to have someone in their corner - but not if that ends up costing that person their own sense of safety in the process. Sometimes, even when we do everything right, it will still come down to the other person making the decision to change things - you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make it drink. If he is refusing the get the help he needs, you may have to take steps to protect yourself, even if that means walking away from the situation. 

Even if his actions are coming from delusions, it doesn't make them okay. Even though he does deserve help and support, you do not have to be the one to provide them if it is compromising your personal safety. Your personal safety also includes your mental state - being constantly exhausted, degraded, and always having to defend yourself, is a pretty huge impact. 

Do you have much in the way of mental health support for yourself? A regular psych or someone? And what about supportive friends or family?