Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Rockpool]

I agree @LAmour, finding resources and treatment can really be a challenge at times and the stigma associated with BPD is a big issue and incredibly stigmatising. Attitudes towards BPD are changing slowly and hopefully more funding gets put into services that cater for BPD. Stigma among mental health professionals is disappointing and definitely an issue that needs to be addressed

[Sledge]

Waterlily, to be honest, I do know she's lying. She has a strange way of 'buying' herself a couple of seconds before she answers a question with a lie. It's a real giveaway that she's about to tell me a porky pie! I guess for me the question is "Do I challenge her?" or "Do I ignore the lie?" She has acknowledged enough times that she needs help. The problem is, when things are going good, she forgets about the manic episodes. The occasions that I've challenged her have triggered immediate anger.

[Shaz51]

Hello @Rockpool xx

[Rockpool]

Hi @Determined

As you mentioned in your post that boundaries are an area that you are finding difficult at the moment, like so many others, this may be a good thing to discuss.

Boundaries are such an important part of caring for someone with BPD as it helps to maintain a healthy relationship and does not allow for the setting of unrealistic expectations which can lead to an emotional rollercoaster. The key with boundaries is that they need to be discussed at a time when everyone is calm and they need to be maintained consistently. I do understand that this is far more easier said then done!

Do anyone have any tips on how they have been able to set boundaries well. @Rosie4 shared a good example of this on page 2

[Natty967]

I started by making a list of any behaviors that are were aggressive, dangerous or unhelpful. Then I write out a statement for each one that says what you will do each time that behavior happens in an If X, then Y format. You must be committed to following through, it won't work.
Example: If you start yelling at me I will remove myself from the room, if you continue to yell and come after me or threaten violence I will call the police and report your behaviour.
Do this for every behavior that endangers your loved one or someone else. It's important that your actions are responses to the danger, not punishment.
Once you have your plan made, sit down with them and tell them how much you love them, that you want to work on your relationship, as they have beahviours that are unacceptable, and this is a plan to work on this, but you're interested in their input. Ask for their feedback and be willing to make REASONABLE changes. The most important thing is that there are no more chances or warnings. If they do the noted behaviour you must hold up your end and enforce the agreed consequence

[misunderstood]

thanks for the honesty and the encouragement. we just want to know what else we can do for our girl that will help her be happy and get well

[Rockpool]

@olly53 yes I understand that feeling of guilt, I am in a similar situation myself. It is such a hard thing to do but sometimes it is necessary to put yourself first as hard as it is. It is good that you are still in frequent contact with your grandson and are teaching him about the illness. This would be invaluable to him.

Hi @Shaz51

@Sledge managing lying behaviour can be a tough one! It is interesting to here that she has a way of bullying herself before she is untruthful. Perhaps having a sort of middle ground here would be helpful, whereby you dont bring it up with her there and then as it sounds like it results in anger but maybe asking her about it in a time when she is more calm. If this isnt what you are already doing of course

[roses1]

Thank you @Rockpool for answering my question.  Yes, my son just about always blames someone else for his problems. Unfortunately he had such a bad run with psych services all those years ago he uses every possible excusse to avoid help.  When he has seen counsellors he avoids talking about the real problems and doesn't continue long enough for it to be effective.  He also says he has depression and anxiety.  Coping with the phone calls where he threatens self harm are really difficult.  I have also been told by people that he is just being manipulative and doesn't have a mental illness.  Then I question myself and my handling of the situation. Thankyou @Natty967 for the book info.  I will definitely look at the one on male BPD, so mush info I have come across refers to females.

[Rockpool]

@Natty967 such great advice and a good strategy! Thanks for sharing that with all of us

@Waterlily is is perfectly normal to feel anxious about what the next text will bring and to feel that anxiety when you hear the phone ring or the text message tone, as it is an anxiety-provoking situation, particularly if there is crisis involved in the texts.

For the last question I will pose to everyone tonight, what does everyone do to look after themselves while they are riding the emotional rollercoaster with their loved ones?

[Waterlily]

Ha!!! Exactly the same here.... if there is a lie forthcoming via text there is a definite delayed response. I can read the signs of lying like a book. Sometimes there is no response and other times a very quick change of subject. But I am like you ... I don't challenge most of them it's just not worth it!!!