I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m so glad it’s helping you. That puts a smile on my face for you! @tyme. I do care how you are going… 

I just told mum that I’m starting to get scared and she just laughed. I said ‘you knew it was coming!’ She has been waiting for it and is surprised it’s taken me this long to say anything. 

She is the sweetest girl just with her own mind. Take her to the vet and she is horrible! I do have to admit that she is starting to get a bit better. They can hear her heartbeat now instead of just growling! Im hoping by getting her nails done that it stops her from limping on her front leg otherwise she is going to have to go and get it checked… more money. 

He hasn’t got anything to help me with. The anaesthetists bill comes after surgery so that will fall into next pay. I’m pretty sure that I have it under control but it’s always a concern until it’s paid. 

I’m on dayshift so I’ll be home around 8. 

What do you have on tomorrow? Self care time? 

[tyme]

Ouch @Captain24 !

Does your private health cover anything at all? Or do you just get to choose your doc?

Grr... your brother. I wonder how things will go for him. 

As for your mum, she knows you. I know parents can be annoying sometimes, but I know her heart it here. Remember how I told you I'd contact my parents the other week? I never did! I ended up forgetting by the time I got off my shift.

I have been thinking about them more though. I really haven't spoken to them in yonks.

So I guess I'm just staying that they can be a fork sometimes, but all in all, they are your parents??? 

So you leave at 6:30 or something tomorrow morning? Or you leave at 8?

[Captain24]

My health cover covers most of it it’s just all the gap fees and hospital excess. @tyme. I will get there. It’s just a stress. Regular bills don’t care about but people bills I do. 

Who knows. I do hope he gets it together though. He shouldn’t have to work two jobs. 

She does know me and I think that’s why dad thinks I’d be more comfortable with her. But I have to put my big girl pants on and get through it. I am terrified! My anxiety is sky high when I think about it.. I’m talking high heart rate, sweats, shakes….

Im sure they would love a call when you’re free. But it’s your choice and whenever you are ready. 

Yeah they can be a fork but in situations like this she can be good. I’m hoping so on the day instead of her just saying that she has done it plenty of times. It’s just day surgery.. I can hear it now just hoping that she doesn’t say it. 

I’ll leave here at 5:30 in the morning and get home around 8. I do have to duck into town on my way home. 

So I live 3 kms away from the edge of town and 4.5 kms from mum and dad. I measured it on Tuesday with the sat nav. 

[tyme]

It's a lot on your plate. 

And yeah, parents can be harsh... but then again, I wonder whether, as a child, you were harshly honest to your parents too? I guess I also gave my parents heaps of grief. My sister always tells people that I was the one to 'worry' about because I was so weird lol.

Anyway, I'll catch you tomorrow. Take care at work. walk in with your superhero stance and smash it! @Captain24 

Thanks for tonight! Take care.

[Captain24]

So I’ve called in sick for work. Why? Because I didn’t shower last night and didn’t allow time to this morning while getting ready. I had pains in the stomach last night that woke me up sweating profusely. I had sweat running off my body. If I had have set an earlier alarm I could have showered. I’m also really tired and didn’t want to get up at 4:30. How lame is that? It’s not good enough. I’m ashamed of myself. Now I have to try and get myself a certificate for being off work. I’m feeling really useless and disgusted in myself. All because I didn’t shower and was tired. How pathetic is that? I’m trying to be gentle with myself but I’m really hating on myself. I am doing my 3D puzzle to try and distract myself however it’s not working. I can add more resin to one of the coasters I did yesterday so I can try that. I don’t know what else to do other than beat myself up. I’m being really horrible to myself. 

[rav3n]

hey @Captain24 correct me if i'm wrong, but you usually don't take time off work unexpectedly unless you're not feeling well, right? cos that's exactly what those sick leaves are for!! from what you've mentioned about the stomach pain, it sounds like your body needed the rest today and that doesn't make you lame at all. i also imagine it's not easy changing up your schedule to fit in that shower when you're doing shift work - don't forget that you're only human! 

there's been times in the past where i was already feeling low, and feeling icky from not showering made it harder for me to get through the day. i treated my day off as a 'self-care' day, cleaned myself up, and recharged. today can be your self-care day too, and working the resin coaster and 3D puzzle sounds like great way to recharge. 

[Captain24]

No I don’t usually take time off work @rav3n. But I have had 7 days off this year. Today makes 8. I do have to admit 3 of those days were when I was supposed to go to hospital but I just took the time off anyway. It’s still a lot and I have to have 3 days off next block for surgery. 

I have been trying to look after myself though. I’ve been trying to do some self care. I had a couple of hours yesterday so I should be ok. But I’m just exhausted. I’m getting to the point that I just can’t do anything. Wednesday all I did was couch rot in the morning which left me the afternoon to bath both dogs, change my bed linen, clean the house, do all the washing of the towels and sheets etc.. and mow the lawns. I need to get my act together. If I didn’t couch rot it would have been so much easier. 

When my alarm went off at 4:30 I just couldn’t handle it. The pain that woke me up didn’t help. Why can everyone else go to work but me? 

Maybe I do need a rest, maybe I am burnt out, maybe I do need to give myself a break.. they are all the things my psych has mentioned. She did go easy on me on Tuesday though as I had to drive 4 hours home after the appointment. 

Maybe if I shower before I have dinner it might make it easier. Rather than just be too tired before I go to bed. I do have to go into town and get somethings I couldn’t get yesterday but I don’t really want to, I don’t want to see people. 

I’ll keep doing my puzzle and finish the resin art though. I am struggling to maintain the focus though. It’s hard to enjoy it but I know I have to do it. 

Sorry for being such a downer. Maybe I can pick myself up this afternoon. I can only hope. 

[rav3n]

@Captain24 8 days off in 11 months - in my opinion, is pretty fair. plus, you're not using this time off to just 'have fun' or 'waste time' - you're actually working on getting rested and taking care of your physical & mental health. you definitely do deserve it!

i know sometimes it's hard to focus on the achievements when our mind is stuck on the things we didn't get done/could've done better. like how you mentioned the couch rotting, i can see that you wish you'd gotten up earlier but honestly, my brain looked at that part and thought 'wow, cap got heaps done after the couch rot. maybe that rest was what gave her the energy to get those tasks done!' also curious to know what puzzle you're working on at the moment?

showering before dinner sounds like a good idea, and if you need an accountable buddy, i'm here! and you don't have to apologise for feeling down, i've had those days too. sometimes i feel a lil better after i shower (it's just getting into the bathroom and getting started that's a struggle for me haha)

[Jynx]

@Captain24 allo allo! 

Been catching up on everything - you got a surgery date? When is? 

And having a rough one today eh? Honestly, I am so glad to hear that you honoured your need for a day off. I know that would have been so difficult! 

Also I wanted to respond to this ~

---

@Captain24 wrote:

I’m gutted that you lost the post @Jynx. I cried all the way home from work. A few people acknowledged it or ignored it but no one talked me through it. I was hoping you would but I shouldn’t have put all my eggs in one basket. Sorry I left it to you. I won’t be sharing like that again. It was so hard and I stressed all day and didn’t sleep well and then I stressed all night. I’m suffering vulnerability hangover right now and hate that I did it. I feel really raw and exposed. I’m sorry that I rely on you so much so I’ll stop as you don’t deserve it and don’t need my stuff. I actually feel sick. 

Please take this with good intentions. I don’t know how to make it sound in a good light. But that’s what it is meant to be. 

---

Firstly, I think it is a wise lesson to not put all our support needs eggs in one basket. I am guilty of this myself! My closest friend at the time told me many years ago that she couldn't be my "therapist, parent, safety net, venting recipient, and be my friend", and honestly at the time it was devastating. All my 'too much, too intense' insecurities came slamming home hard, especially feeling like I was this horrible burden to her. 

But... she was right. And she was NOT saying 'don't come to me with your problems' - she instead told me that I should be 'my own first line of defence', i.e. build up my inner resilience and self-reliance; and that reaching out to different people could offer different perspectives, something I came to realise was invaluable. 

So all that is to basically say - yeah, probably a good idea to not rely on one specific person to support you in your hour of need. However, it's NOT a reason to cease reaching out to me, or anyone, specifically.

Lemme be clear, in the story I just told, I was actually being burdensome. To me, you are NOT being burdensome. But perhaps a little shift in your expectations and your help-seeking habits could help you to avoid this feeling of disappointment and the potential spiral that can follow.

I don't want you to stop reaching out and relying on your supports (myself included). I just want you to start building the habit of reminding yourself that even if you don't get the response you're looking for, it doesn't mean you're undeserving, or beyond help. And sometimes it can be an opportunity to reach out to someone different, and get some fresh perspective 😉

Please keep sharing like this whenever you find it helpful to do so 💜

[Captain24]

I just went into town and got a medical certificate from the chemist. @rav3n. I have had some sleep today, I’ve finished my puzzle and had some lunch as well. So I tried to look after myself. I know need to clean the kitchen though. Next step is the resin though.

If I hadn’t have rotted then I could have gotten it all done sooner and not have to push myself so hard to get it all done before I went to bed. I still hadn’t done the ironing so I had to due it yesterday. I was exhausted when the day was done. I felt sick. I had nothing left in the tank. I see where you are coming from with it being a positive thing getting it all done however it just wrecked me. So I see it was a massive achievement but feeling the side effects made it all come crashing down, not sure if that makes any sense. 

I just seem to be down a lot lately but then I’ll have an ok day in the middle and think ‘I got this’ but then it all falls in a heap again and I failed. 

This puzzle is for marbles. They slide down and go different directions depending on the last one that went down. They all start and finish in the same place. 

 

 @Jynx  @tyme