Lived Experience Forum

[Shell]

Hi,
This is my first time posting here.
My husband and I welcomed our first baby, a son, 8 months ago.
We had a fairly straight forward pregnancy, however had an early miscarriage 3 months prior to falling pregnant with our son.
The birth was also mostly ok, however it did become a little more stressful due to baby distress and positioned poorly for birth. All turned out OK.
I was then unable to continue breastfeeding, this was a major personal goal for myself... And something I am still teary about. Even though my son is happy and healthy.

I haven't received the formal diagnosis, so I guess I am just sharing some of my feelings and experiences to see if I should follow through with further care.
I love my son with every ounce of my being. My husband is an amazingly supportive and patient man.

Prior to and even now, I am a bit of a perfectionist. So having a baby to care for and seeing my home upkeep diminish even just slightly, has been difficult.
I am constantly fixated on my sons sleep, he doesn't sleep consistently well during the day (sleeps range from 30 minutes to 1.5hrs, however he is more regularly a catnapper). He sleeps amazing overnight. But any time he is sleeping I am anxious that he is going to wake. I am constantly comparing how much sleep he has had compared to friends who have similar aged bubs.
I feel like I don't have a lot of the old fun me in me anymore. I am always stressed.

Needless to say, my relationship with my husband has taken a back seat almost. I have zero libido, I feel like once our son is in bed, that is my time to not have anyone touching me or needing me. I can switch off. But I so badly want to show my husband affection and intimacy.

I'm sure there's much more to my story. But if you can share your own thoughts on my story, and whether this is potentially along the lines of PNDA. I know you can't diagnose here, but if there is similarities to your own journey, perhaps that will help me to seek further help.

Thank you.

[Sky]

Hi @Shell,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing your story with everyone.

You're definitely not alone with what you're experiencing. It sounds quite overwhelming at the moment while you're trying to keep everything in order. I can also hear the sense of failure that you're expressing, which would be quite harsh to feel when you describe yourself as a `perfectionist'.

This is a very supportive community and I hope you'll find some ideas to cope what you're going through. Try typing in `post natal' or `new mom' in the search bar to find some related post as well.

I think you're doing wonderful considering what happened prior this pregnancy and that you're reaching out for help when sensing things are not quite reaching what you're expecting.

Afterall, look after and be gentle on yourself. Parents all have their own ways to look after their family. Maybe seeing this as a learning process for both of you and your husband to strenthern your relationship even stronger 🙂

Take care,

Sky

[supernova]

Hi @Shell,

Welcome to the Forums and thank you for sharing your story with us. It sounds like there is so much going on for you at the moment, what with caring for your new son, keeping the house in order, and trying to stay connected with your husband. Becoming a mum sounds like such a rollercoaster ride filled with so many ups and downs, and it sounds like you’re doing really a great job managing all of the changes to your life! 

I’m sure many of our members can relate to your experiences and have some helpful insights or stories to share. I’m also wondering if it might be helpful to give our friends at @PANDA (Perinatal Anxiety and Depression Australia) a call on 1300 726 306 to talk to one of their counsellors about how you’ve been feeling. They also have a great website with some really good resources that you might find really helpful (http://www.panda.org.au).

Thanks again for sharing with us, I hope you find the Forums a safe and supportive place to land!

All the best,
supernova.

[PANDA]

Hi @Shell,

Congratulations on the birth of your little man, specially after such sadness and loss. Funny thing about life is that because miscarriage is common it is often minimised. The same goes for 'stressful births' that end up with 'a good result'. Just cause baby is OK doesn't mean the birth was not traumatic  Having a deeply personal desire to breastfeed and not being able to is also BIG. These are dreams and hopes that are closely tied with sense of self as mother... and regardless of everything being 'OK' ... it is not how you had planned or expected or wanted it to be.

Perfectionism can serve us well at times when we want to strive for our best but it can also create unrealistic expectations that leave us with nowehere to go other than to fall short. It is not uncommon for us perfectionists to be 'worry making machines' and it sounds like the constant worry about your little one waking once he is asleep is not giving you any space to BREATHE, and relax. Being hyper alert is exhausting... and no fun at all. No wonder you have temporarily lost the 'fun you'.

You don't mention if you are getting much sleep overnight when bub is sleeping... or whether you are lying awake ruminating about things.

@Shell we hear from new mums each day who speak of some of the challenges you have faced and who are trying to make sense of what is happening. Many, like you, have waited some time to seek help and it is only when they are truly exhausted, trying to keep things together, that they reach out. You have dealt with lots of big stuff over the past 2 years! You obviously have high expectations of yourself and have lots of internal resources and strengths that have kept you going and enabled to you form such a tight bond with your bub. I hear just how much you love him and your husband.

You are right, we can't diagnose but what I can say is that starting a conversation is the first step when things are hard... and you have done that. How lucky your little man is to have you as his mum.

Lots of hugs from the PANDA Helpline team

xx

[Shell]

Thank you so much to you all for taking the time to respond to my post.
Just reading your comments has given me some comfort. I've been having a pretty good week since getting my feelings out on this forum.

And to have you all show such support and understanding has been really helpful.

You've also given me new ways of understanding my feelings and experiences. And this too has been a wonderful help.

To answer a question above, I am very lucky that I am getting pretty good sleep overnight. I do sometimes have difficulty falling asleep, and wake easily to noise which is not how i was prior to becoming a mum. I believe that is also highly connected to my feelings of anxiety around my son waking.

I am taking steps to find a sense of calm within myself and to accept things as they are. I have a healthy, happy and beautiful son. He is truly amazing. So I am so grateful and want to cherish that and not sweat the "small" stuff.

xxx