Hello - I'm back.....

[aButterfly]

Hello @Mazarita...

Thank you for your kind thoughts... I appreciate it. (A lot).

I have not been well... (At all).

I have not gone back to yoga due to paranoia. I have tried to do so numerous times...

I will keep trying.

I have been accepted to study at Swinburne through Open Universities. I am going to try to finish my Psychological Science degree. I am anxious about this... I have an application for credit form to send asap.

I am anxious about everything...

I am going to have a break from reducing the medications. It has worn me out. I haven't felt 'okay' for too long. I have been extremely suicidal.

I had insomnia last night due to anxiety about trying to get back to yoga today... It didn't happen due to the lack of sleep. I'm going to try to rest now.

I am on my 17th novel (Goal for year 30. I am behind schedule & university study starts at the end of November).

Sending kindness to all...

Namaste,

Anna

[Mazarita]

Hi Anna, so good to hear from you. Thanks for sending the message through. 

Sorry to hear you have been a lot unwell lately. Not having been to yoga in all that time indicates to me how serious it is, as I know how extremely diligent and keen you have been with that in the past, and over a long time. Please do keep trying. I know you will.

One thought that has likely already occurred to you is to change yoga classes so that you don't get that teacher anymore?

I think it's wonderful that you have been accepted to Swinburne on the Open University scheme. That seems like a great way to approach study. It's totally understandable that you might be anxious about it. The anxiety you speak of seems so all-pervasive at present, and is probably not a good indicator of how you really feel deep down about the return to study. I hope you will also find some simple excitement at the prospect of something so meaningful in your life again.

It sounds like a good idea to increase dose of meds again for a time. Suicidal is not okay. Do you still have the same psychiatrist or will you need to find someone new. How do you feel about your psychiatrist? I can't remember the details of your treating team, and am not aware what changes might have taken place since we last discussed things like that.

17 novels is impressive! Even if you don't reach your goal, I'd say you've filled a fair reading quota for the year already. You know me... I'm always going to encourage you to be less hard on yourself with your goals. I'd like to see you get more simple and relaxed enjoyment from life. But then again, I also know that reading is a great way to focus messy mental energies, feel calmer and get away from the troubles of our own existences for a while. I'd say keep it up at whatever pace happens naturally.

End of November is a good amount of time to prepare for returning to study. It will give you time to change medication doses and hopefully stabilise and feel better than you do at present. Wishing you all kindness.

Namaste.

@aButterfly 

[Shaz51]

Hello @aButterfly, it is lovely hearing from you my friend

[aButterfly]

Hi @Mazarita...

Thank you for more kindness...

Simple & relaxed enjoyment from life would be lovely... Soooo hard to relax...

Same psychiatrist... I don't trust her... I don't tell her exactly how I am... She doesn't know I am struggling so much... I am not increasing the medication - just not doing anymore reductions for awhile - I just need to stabilise.
Sorry for the delayed reply & sorry this is short... Anxiety is heightened...

Namaste,

Anna

P.s. hi lovely @Shaz51

[aButterfly]

P.p.s. I see my psychologist more often & I am honest with her about how I am doing, although I'm not sure she understands... I always feel like people perceive me as doing better than I am...

[Former-Member]

Hi @aButterfly - its nice to see you around the forums. I havent been around as much lately. Things so busy/hard.
Glad you are seeing your psychologist more often... i often feel similar that everyone thinks im doing better than i am....
here with you

[Mazarita]

Hi @aButterfly, sorry for jumping on the medication stuff. It's because I'd like to see you more at ease. Best wishes with the change you are making. You are self aware and will do what most agrees with you. Good to hear from you when you feel comfortable posting. 

Hi @Former-Member 

[Shaz51]

Hello My sister @aButterfly sending you lots of hugs , how are the beautiful cats xx

Hello @Mazarita, @Former-Member, @Appleblossom, @BlueBay xxxxxx

[Appleblossom]

Hi @aButterfly

I am also reluctant to move when cats are ensconced, with me as their furniture!

It is probably a few wise calls you have made. 

i) Yes it is understandable feeling yoga teacher was intrusive, maybe choose your favourite poses and keep them up at home or somewhere and check that better teacher is on.

ii) Given silly alchie made an issue re wash machine, I think you are probably correct saying the clothing spread on the line is deliberate.  Small minds can take up suck a lot of space.

iii) I have learned to stay in when I cannot control my waterworks - tears.  It has gotten a lot better in last 5 years though it was bad for a long time.

Glad to see you posting.

[aButterfly]

Hi...

@Former-Member, @Shaz51, @Mazarita, @Appleblossom

How are you traveling?

I did start going to my yoga studio again. Each time I went I had an intrusive thought/belief at some point during the practice that everyone would gather around me and harm me. It made it difficult to keep going back, but I did. The last time I went to the yoga studio the yoga instructor who triggered my delusional paranoia was teaching again. (I had checked the phone app for the studio before I left home. However, who was teaching had changed by the time I arrived at the studio). I wanted to walk straight back out the door, but I felt that would be too embarrassing. The intrusive thoughts were constant during the 1 hour practice and what really got me though was thinking "its okay, I will be dead soon".

I also tried to implement some more "healthy coping skills", so I thought about what I was grateful for during the practice. I liked the flow/sequence of the asanas, the asanas that the instructor had chosen, and that the music was different from the 4 usual teachers (of the classes I usually attend). I mainly did that, because I felt that is what my partner and psychologist would ask me about though.

It was distressing.

I haven't been back to my main yoga studio, as our car completely "died" that day and I have just recovered from the flu. My partner's mum brought a cheap car for us to use, until we can finacially finish fixing a car we brought cheaply at the start of the year. My partner is a ex mechanic and the car we were driving around in was not worth fixing. It had done approximately 350,000kms. We had already spent approximately $500 this year keeping it going and the registration was paid for 6 months (It died 2 weeks later. We were able to get some money back, but we spent $170 on registration for 2 weeks).

I will go back to the yoga studio soon...

Katniss is due to give birth today or tomorrow. We are going to de-sex her after we have sold her litter to good, loving fur-parents. We were sent more photos of one of the cats, Simi, recently.

I have been going to another yoga studio for a 10 week course. I was able to claim the full cost $130 on my private health insurance. I did miss two classes. I will attend the last class next Monday night. The teacher is vegan, so I feel she knows the true meaning of being a yogi and ahimsa.

I dropped of my Share the Dignity #itsinthebag Xmas gift I created this year. I made a card to go with it, with encouraging words inside. Otherwise, I am trying to avoid Xmas. I deactivated Facebook 2 nights ago (too much Xmas cheer, and I just need a break from people's problems and the problems of the world).

I have read 28/30 books now! I had a good stint with very enjoyable, easy-to-read books and good concentration. I was 3 books ahead of schedule, but now I am back to just 1 book ahead of schedule. I have 3 library books out at the moment. (One is non-fiction - 'Utopia for Realists'). I get some library books out and return them un-read, as I read a few pages or chapters and do not enjoy them. Thankfully, when I do buy books I usually choose well and am glad I brought the book!

I have changed my university preference. I am now enrolled at The University of Southern Queensland externally and have put in an application for credit. I plan to start in February. I am able to access the physical library also. I read some bad reviews about Swinburne online and was not happy that Open Universities was not going to give me a student card to access physical university libraries. I googled "best online universities in Australia" & USQ is in the top 5. I should of done this to start with!

I have been going through a lot of stress, anxiety, paranoia, depression, suicidal ideation and struggling with disordered body image. I wrote a short story for The Butterfly Foundation's #raiseahand for eating disorders campaign. I have an NDIS application to send and in it my psychologist has said I have "residual anorexia". I found it odd that she wrote that, because she does not seem to acknowledge my struggles with feeling fat. The NDIS application has been extremely stressful for me so far and I will not reapply if I am denied. I am applying as I need help with paying for yoga membership. We still do not have room for me to do yoga in our small cabin. My partner is working on building the shipping container into something livable, so that we have more living space (the cats will appreciate more room to run around too).

I also have not been sleeping well for over a month now I think.. I had approximately 3 hours last night.

My phone also completely "died" and my partner who has also worked in data recovery could not revive it. My new phone is great and has an amazing camera, so I can finally take good photos with my phone again. I've had 2 phones with crappy cameras since 2013 (I think).

I have not been running...

My partner said some awful things to me a few nights ago and I do not feel loved. I feel eveyone who cares for me does so out of OBLIGATION and not true kindness.

I feel alone, but I'm also craving to just have time alone. I really would appreciate a few days in a hotel near the beach by myself. Too poor. My partner would not let me. I feel trapped.

My psychiatrist and psychologist are not being vey helpful. My psychologist made me feel bad for getting her to do a NDIS letter of support correctly (which is why I will not reapply if denied). I have to see her tomorrow and I really don't want to. I would of cancelled, but that would mean I would let down others, as my partner promised to help some vegan activists fix their car. I rang my psychiatrist on her pager and her solution is more drugs.

There really is no one listening to me.

Namaste,

Anna