Lived Experience Forum

[gezimi]

Hi,

I've got a lot of problems in my life at the moment. Primarily at this very second, loneliness and isolation. I just need to put thoughts into words right now. I thought of calling a helpline, but I just can't bring myself to actually talk to someone on the phone.

Some months back, I did a few terrible things to a very close friend of mine, but I didn't want to face up to it. Other friends of mine including my sister wanted to talk to me about it, but I closed myself off more and more, staying out late or all night, not replying to calls or messages and then I moved out. So for three months now, I've been living alone, with no contact with any family (my parents were abusive and i have no contact with them) or friends. Because of coronavirus, my work is online, and i'm frequently late and not doing my responsibilities properly.

I feel as if I'm in a self-imposed state of isolation that I'm afraid to get out of but sometimes I just feel like breaking down. I've gone back to some old addictions which I had kicked many years ago, but I feel as if only when my mind is numbed can I am keep sane. 

I was in the middle of therapy actually when I did those things. Part of the reason why I feel I don't want to reach out, is because I know I'm not a good person. I have suspected multiple personality disorders, including ASPD and NPD. I know I have brain damage and trauma from a brain scan. 
I feel like what I would really want right now is just to feel cared for and supported, but that I have to admit many terrible things that I've done first, which scares me. 

[greenpea]

@gezimi  Hi gezimi and welcome to the forums. We are a non judgemental group who accept everyone. I have done some awful things which still haunt me and may never go away so I will always be here for you to talk to. Have a look around the forums and when you feel safe you might like to post on one or more of the threads or keep posting on your own. Looking forward to see you around.

ps: if you want to talk with someone put a @ in front of their name. It will notify them of your post. Take care. greenpeaxx

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @gezimi ...that's a brave post that you wrote to introduce yourself, well done. It shows a lot of self reflection and insight, which are really good and valuable strengths to have. 

It's good you've joined the forums, where you can feel cared for and supported without having to "admit" to anything. I am really sorry to hear that your parents were abusive 😞 and that your situation at the moment is not good.

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@gezimi wrote:

I thought of calling a helpline, but I just can't bring myself to actually talk to someone on the phone.

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I want to reassure you that the crisis helplines have a text function...you go the website of Lifeline and the Suicide Call Back Service, and they offer the Chat function at certain times. That might be easier than calling on the phone?

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a member's name in the drop-down box, they will get a notification that you've replied to them. 

Many best wishes, @gezimi .

[The-Sailor]

Hello @gezimi ,

I'm also new to this forum. I know we're complete strangers but I really relate to your story. I also feel very lonely and isolated, and feel that I brought this upon myself and that I'm not "good."

Perhaps we could talk and support each other during this time?

[Peonies]

Hello there @gezimi, 

A very warm welcome to the forums! 

Please know that you are amongst friends here. We are all here on the forums to support each other through this challenging time.

You mentioned not wanting to talk to someone on the phone. Have you tried our webchat service yet? The SANE Help Centre has a web-chat service, where you can chat with our counselors about these feelings 🌼 They are available from 10 am to 10 pm Monday to Friday