Life can be a Pain

[Shaz51]

Good you are getting through these challenges my mumma bear @Owlunar 

ohh wow @Appleblossom 

Hello @TAB 

[Oaktree]

Hi Dear Mumma Bear @Owlunar 

Sounds like everything is going in the right direction for you. Even things with your daughter, will wonders never cease?

I went to a mental health group yesterday and unfortunately feelings about my Mother bubbled up. I have been in tears both yesterday and today. My Mother hasn’t been in contact with me for at least 16 years and it was her that rejected me. My Aunt several years ago said it was because I was too hard. I feel hurt! So today I thought it might help to write her a letter. I tried looking for her address through the electoral roll but she is in another state so that didn’t work. Then I asked my sister for an address or phone number but she says she doesn’t have those either and that she is also not in contact. My sister says that my Mother just doesn’t care to be a Mother. Where does that leave me and my feelings? It’s just not fair. She messed up my life then bowed out and there’s no way to fix anything. It hurts so darn much. Also you should know that my Mother was mentally abusive to me growing up. I am probably better off without her but I still want her because she is my only Mother. I am so confused! 

Meggle

[Owlunar]

Hi @Oaktree 

I really do hear you and I understand - you have every right to feel confused and hurt - and whatever else you have going on emotionally.

And this is important - your mother's behaviour is not reflection on you - it's very much her issue - what you have to do is to focus on healing yourself.

I had similar issues with my mother - I could never please her - she died with regrets - we were never reconciled - and truly - it was her loss - I have recovered from it. I must say though it was very hard work and I have seen therapists about it - I felt safe to examine her behaviour after she died. I hope you don't have to wait that long. Start today.

If your mother doesn't want to be a mother and rejects her adult children - wow - tough stuff - it's her choice - alas - you have different choices.

You may choose to chase after your mother - you were too hard for her when you were a child - feel proud of that - and if she still feels like that - it's not good to feel bad about yourself - you are who you are - a really loving person who tends her gardens and share her life with us - we love you for that.

But we can't make up for your mother - and yes - most people only have one - actually my son had two and he was really confused.

I was his adoptive mother and obviously - just human - and I did my best - to him his birth mother was an unknown quantity/quality - he felt less than because of this - I learned more about her after he died - of course he never did. I stuck by him until the end - in spite of my imperfections - I did my best - we would all like a mother who could honestly say that - I am sure.

I researched my mother's life after she died and learned a lot from one of my father's brothers - and in time found reasons for her behaviour but I will never extend any excuses. I have forgiven but I will never forget - I will take my truth about her to my grave. It's hard to make choices like this.

So - your choices are tough. You can try and find your mother and learn what can from her - or from other people - you can find reasons - even forgive - and this can give you peace of mind. You don't have to forget. You are the person you are in spite of her - and because of her - your choice is obviously to live a good life and you have been.

You are confused and unhappy - I have been too - even years after my mother's death I feel sorry for her - she did have a tough life - and so have I - I am pretty sure most people have.

We can't change the past though - we can only accept what has happened - and this is tough.

I really care - Meggle - I do so "get it".

Love

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom 

Wow Apple - that sounds really weird.

Personally - I would have refused to answer his questions - though he might have seemed harmless enough - and you might have given him some health info - but not personal info - which is important.

It's sounds like the doctor was doing some patient shopping - weird - I never thought about that before but it must happen. They can't advertise of course - but canvas - maybe.

I hope you are okay - I guess he sounded nice and doctory - mmm - 

Anyway - I get these questionnaires on my phone - I tick the "prefer not to answer" box. Sometimes I just turn my phone off - these phone issues are endless - and a nuisance - are they not?

All the best - my sister on the other side of the Bay

Owlunar

[Oaktree]

Dear Mumma Bear @Owlunar 

Thank you for your Motherly advice and all the thought that went into your response to me. It was a very good response. I am not going to hunt down my Mother. It truly is her loss. She has never known or understood me and she did not get to know her grandchildren. I was a good kid and did not give her any grief. My only fault was that I got diagnosed with Bipolar. I guess every Mother does their best with the tools they themselves have been given but her best was not very good. So sorry to hear of your troubled relationship with your own Mother. I do hope that I have not triggered troubling thoughts for you. You are a great Mother and you should be proud of your efforts where your son and daughter are concerned. Thank you for standing in as a Mother figure here for so many of us on the forums. Much love and kind wishes,

Meggle

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar Thanks for your input.  I know I am very open, leaning to too open. I try and catch myself these days as I do not want to be foolishly open.  For me its tricky re being for opportunity re friendships and just to talk.  Sadly, when I joined the forum, random cold callers were actually a source of social interaction that I accepted, as I was so isolated. Something was better than nothing.  This forum has changed that a lot, but it is textual, and so sometimes I still agree to a "chat" on the phone.  My son is a bit frustrated with it, and we are planning to close our landline, so that my reduce some of the calls, but I hope I dont have to put up with too many on my mobile.

Hope you are coping in your canny and special way.

cheers Apple

[Shaz51]

Bit warm here my mumma bear @Owlunar 

hello @Appleblossom , @Oaktree , @TAB , @Zoe7 

raining on and off 

cancelled work for the next few days for Mr. Shaz -- might have to cancel work altogether soon, i think. 

waiting is hard --- to get the outcome of our broken-down car. 

we have MIL car to go to the doctors this afternoon, fingers crossed. 

[Owlunar]

Hi again @Shaz51 

It's good that you have cancelled Mr Shaz's work for the next few days - yes - he might have to give up work permanently and I am sure that will be more stuff for you to deal with - alas.

And your car has broken down - blast - right now! I guess they do and they will - I no longer drive so this doesn't happen to me - but I did own several cars in my time and they always broke down when I needed them - yes - I do have some interesting stories.

I hope MIL's car works for you - life is never easy for you Shaz - it seems there are always things you have to deal with and you really would like life to be less demanding.

Still sending hugs

Mumma Bear

Owlunar

[Owlunar]

@Appleblossom 

Hi Apple

Yes - I am coping in my own unique way - life has its ups and downs and this I accept with a grain of salt and a lot of humour. I can be very satirical and it helps.

My new pest exterminator is coming back today to take the trapdoor out of the roof void and replace it with some mesh - as he did on the other side of the firewall between my place and the disused unit next to mine. The possum came into my roof - or just woke up - on the night after the man had been up there - possums are clumsy and noisy and fight to the death - something we could all do without - and when my unwelcome guest found his way out blocked he had a hissy fit and crashed around in the roof until the apple on the other side of the trap door lured him out - marked "eat me" I imagine - and who wants to go down the rabbit hole with Alice?

Anyway - the man is coming back to get his trap door and bait my roof void again with different bait for the resident rat who seems to be nesting in the wall next to my bed. He is noisy about going out at night and even noisier coming in come morning - this is not a pleasant way for anyone to be woken up. But yeah - as I said - with more satire - more "eat me" stuff is going into the roof today and it is more tricky than an apple. Wow!

I think my pest exterminator is arriving - back later.

I understand the conversation stuff - I like it myself - we are social beings after all

Lots of care and understanding

Owlunar

[Appleblossom]

@Owlunar 

Ha ha ... yes a dose of satire helps sweeten life.

So long as all your critters are not coming to eat me! lol

Will be great once its all dealt with and you have peace and quiet at night.

@Shaz51 ... ah Mr Shaz ... and you... both going through a lot.  Hope the doctor trip goes well and the car behaves.

@Oaktree Just wondering how you are?

I am doing exercises at home just dont seem to want to get up and go to the classes any more.  Have had a lot of music socialising and that takes time and energy.