This is my first post and first thing I've managed to do for days I've been stuck in bed , not motivated to do a thing even to eat. I don't see a future and definitely not one I want. Ya see I turned 40 I have no kids, my third and last abortion at 27years being my biggest regret in life. I always wanted to be a mum and now I am realizing it could be too late for me.
Not that it matters I have no family to back me up since my dad died my mom, sister and brother disowned me, and the love of my life and partner of 6yrs left me, at the worst possible time.
I had just lost my 10years old doggy after he was poisoned by the neighbour with PVC powder blocking him up. most awful thing to watch him go through he didn't deserve it.
Me and my sister who was my best friend shared a home she left me to move in with her self proclaimed fuck boy. Leaving me to pay the bills on my own and look after her epileptic dogg who had a seizure and died in my arms.
She made me leave my home to move him in making me homeless to live in my car for 2 yrs with my newly adopted rescue dog. Enforcing PTSD from events experienced while homeless and the sense of abandonment from my family, partner and friends.
My dog was everything to me, he became my therapy support animal, and my only family. He was tKen from me and I'm alone in this house and I would give it all up to be back in my car with my dog.
I mean I've had nothing but dramas created by my neighbours ,my mistake for starting a relationship with the guy next door, the very helpful, gorgeous and irresistible guy next door, til he started getting drunk and violent and verbally abusive, so much domestic abuse, cops were always called, courts with intervention orders, dv accommodation and still I'm stuck living next to my ex, the abuse does r stop cops do nothing and I can't find alternative accommodation. I recently got my licence back but can't afford to buy a car, so I can't work and every time I try I get not back and I don't know what to do anymore so I do nothing. I don't have the guts to kll myself I think about it all the time and there's nothing to work forward towards. I'll never get my family back I won't be making my own family not from lack of trying. I feel like the universe is punishing me for killing the three children I had the opportunity to have had but it wasn't the right time now it is and I'm not able to conceive. I am so lonely and with my trust issues don't feel like in make new friends. I really feel like I'm in a hopeless situation to where I got my life.
I'm also battling addiction and trying really hard not to relapse but I crave happiness and feeling good I'll do anything to stop the tears if that means ruining my sobriety to have a hit I know I'll regret it after. Fuck the world, it fkd me
