Relationship vs family

[Owlunar2]

Hi @Max01 

There's a terrible price to be paid for trying to keep everyone else happy and you seem to be paying it.

We can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time but not all of the people all of the time - and you are one of the people here

So - you need to please yourself - if your partner stops you from seeing your family that could e consider coercive control and not good for either of you. You must be very unhappy yourself - it seems you are

I'm not saying this will be easy - surely he allows you to visit your own family without him - I take it that he doesn't.

Only you can make the change and be positive about it. 

I wish you the best

Owlunar

[tyme]

Stepping into his shoes, if there was a family event, I would want to know when the 'end' time is. That is, when he can go home. I find this helpful when I'm navigating social situations I'm not very interested in. @Max01 Hence the boundaries.

[Max01]

Thank you for your advice, he doesn’t usually permit me from seeing them it’s only he will constantly ask the time I’m coming home. Which I can understand. I think my biggest problem is upsetting myself trying to please everyone. Thank you

[Max01]

Thank you for this suggestion I might speak with him about how I’m feeling and try to find a viable solutions for the situation. Thank you

[Shaz51]

 I think my biggest problem is upsetting myself trying to please everyone. --- same boat  here @Max01 sending you lots of understanding hugs

and also certain times of the year is harder to found that balance  then other times of the year 

[Max01]

Thank you for the support @Shaz51! I a really appreciate it!

[MJG017]

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@Max01 wrote:
Thank you for your advice, he doesn’t usually permit me from seeing them it’s only he will constantly ask the time I’m coming home. Which I can understand. I think my biggest problem is upsetting myself trying to please everyone. Thank you

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I assume you meant 'prevent' rather than 'permit'.  I would find that a big concern if so.  I hope you can work something out @Max01.  I know for me visiting my partners family isnt a lot of fun for me... mainly due to my socializing issues and the fact that they generally talk about the same stuff every time!  But I do it, because it's my partners family. I could understand if he just didn't go, but pressuring you to not go and/or constantly checking to see when you're coming home just seems a bit over the top and controlling to me.  It is supposed to be a partnership and you doing everything to make him happy without and him trying to make you happy is unfair.  You deserve to be happy as well.  You do some things you don't like to keep him happy and he does some things he doesn't like to keep you happy.  That's just the way I've always seen it.

The best of luck to you @Max01 

[Frekkyfrog]

It sounds to me, like maybe this is his problem, not yours. I am sure he knows he is making you feel like you have to choose between him and your family, but the fact is HE is choosing to not be with you when your family is around. He is making his choice. You have nothing to feel bad about.

[Owlunar2]

Hi again @Max01 

It's really tough on you that your partner keeps harassing about  when you should be home when you visit your family  - this is coercive control and legally considered abuse.

Only you can make your choices about this  - it sounds difficult to me and I am glad you are planning to discuss this with him 

I can't know but it would seem to me that he has issues you shouldn't have to deal with  - I really feel for you 

Still I will let you know  - my MIL was never my friend and I let my then-husband visit her without me - even so his mother would ring me with criticism  - enough said  - my marriage didn't last either 

So  - relationships are often difficult and choices have to be made for our well-being  - the outcomes are not easy either  - neither is feeling unhappy because you are unable to please everyone 

I care and wish you. all the best 

Owlunar