Thinking of throwing in the towel and walking away

[CherryBomb]

Hi Kiera80,

Thanks so much for taking the time response and sharing those answers with us.

As everyone has said, and I would also like to reiterate you're definitely not 'throwing the towel' but perhaps hanging up the towel to take some much needed rest. There's is an only so much you can do, and it sounds like you have done all you can. You've given so much, it seems there's barely anything left for yourself.It seems like you're pretty clear about what you need - Some space and some distance to give you some breathing space to recover. It's great that you can recognise what your needs are and not feel guilty about it. Many carers struggle with this. Happy to hear that you're thinking about going to counselling. It can help to make sense of how things got to where they are now, so you can prevent it happening again in the future.

All the best Kiera80,

CB

[SadMum]

Hi @NikNik , Thank you for your kind response. It's only this year, after several years, that I've actually realised that I am living in an environment of domestic abuse. It was actually quite a shock when the penny dropped. It is not a new situation but up until this year I have believed he was going through 'a stage' and would grow out of it. I knew he was depressed but thought if I helped set him up with things and lay the ground work for him in whatever areas I could then he would get it together and move forward. But alas, that has not happened, he self sabatages at every opportunity. When I think about it it's probably been since at least the age of 16 and he turned 21 yesterday...that's a long time.

I haven't called any of the numbers you suggested but I will pop them in my phone in case I need to in future. I have called Lifeline before and I do regularly see a psychologist. 

I have not seen my son since his last outburst on Tuesday night but no doubt he will return when his birthday money runs out. Possibly sad and sorry, yet again....can't say it means much these days.

I too, am considering removing myself in a dramatic way eg. moving states. No matter how determined I am when I set boundaries with him, his anger and violent tantrums always mean I find it impossible to maintain them. I am beginning to see there really isn't any other way. Yes I do live just with him, his sister moved out years ago because of his behaviour and my family, although well meaning are pretty lost in how they can help the situation. 

I think I have made a couple of big decisions though in the last day or two.

1) I am going to stop isolating myself and when people offer support, accept it.

2) If my son uses violent and aggressive language towards me and damages property again in the course of one of his tantrums, I WILL ring police and take out an AVO.

I am empty, drained and exhausted and I NEED a life worth living. 

[Hobbit]

Hi @SadMum , it's such a hard situation you are in and I really do feel for you.

I think the fact that you have made some firm decisions is a real step forward and really shows strength.

I agree with you, it's really important to not isolate yourself, and keep seeking support. As you would no doubt realise, these forums are a really supportive environment for you and we all really care about you, so keep posting here and let us all know how you are going.

Hobbit.

[Kiera80]

@SadMum  That is a very positive step to take.  I made the mistake of taking on all of the problems with my sibling.  I was very much isolated and to some extent still are.  I sheltered the rest of my family through a lot of what was going on, until the bad behaviour started affecting them too.  They still don't see what happens on a daily basis but at least now I can talk to them about it.  Your son is an adult now, maybe it's time he moved on.  Is it possible to find somewhere for him to live where he can still be looked after to a certain extent?

I wanted to mention something on a lighter note.  A few months ago I downloaded a recording with binaural beats.  Maybe some of you have heard of this or used it before.  The one I use is called Anxiety Aid and I bought the download from a website called The Unexplainable Store.  It runs for about half an hour.   It really relaxes me and makes me feel at peace.  Binaural beats frequency changes the brain waves and that's how it helps.  I listen to my anxiety recording every day now and it has especially helped me when I'm feeling completely overwhelmed.

The recording is just beautiful to listen to.  I'm still amazed the effect it has on me each time I listen to it.

For anyone that's interested, here is a link to explain what binaural beats are: http://www.immramainstitute.com/brainwave-technology-for-health-wellness/binaural-beats-and-how-they...

And here is the link to the store where you can get the recording, either on cd or download directly to your pc, tablet or phone: http://www.unexplainablestore.com/products/anxiety.php

Download the binaural beats, not the isochronic tone.  You must wear ear buds or headphones when listening for the beats and tones to take effect.

You can download a binaural beat session for virtually anything you need help with.  A lot of people practice meditation but I could never get into that.  I find the binaural beats much better.

[Espoir]

Hi, SadMum,
I am a sad mum, too. Only just realized that my teenage son is dangerously diving into the frightening world of BPD. No one understands where it came from. Normal childhood, no abuse, loving family... He was a very easy child who didn't even go through the Terrible 2s stage! I just think he was born highly sensitive and never managed to deal with the real world. He was a very well behaved boy and still is... except at home and with me in particular since I am the one he is closest to. I am his punching ball.
To me, the hardest thing is to try and be heard by the medical world. The 2 psychiatrists we have seen have completely dismissed the thought of any personality disorder because he looks perfectly normal. And also because they are not supposed to label people who are below the age of 18. He is beautiful, very well spoken, intelligent, very sociable... So, the last psychiatrist's solution is: family therapy! Of course, in her mind, the problem must come from poor communication at home! We have found a psychologist who has experience with DBT. Our son has seen her about 7 times and there has been no change yet but I keep my fingers crossed that she will make a difference. Is your son on any medication? We tried SSRIs but with no success. He also suffers with depression, anxiety, OCD, body dysmorphia... but SSRIs didn't help.
Tell us more about your son's childhood if you don't mind. Was he already difficult as a child? When did you notice the first symptoms? Did he manage to go through school without any problems? Did he finish secondary school? How is he with other people? With his friends? How violent does he get? Mine also punches the walls... No wholes in them yet! 🙂 One minute he tells me the most horrible things, the next he asks me to go and keep him company while he is falling asleep!
As a parent, you can't help but feel responsible for him, of course. Do you also feel that big rock at the bottom of your stomach 24/7? That heavy feeling that never goes away? The one you had for the first time that morning when you woke up and realized your life wasn't a nightmare but reality?
Has anyone ever mentioned that disorder to him? It has such bad press, it's best not to. Has your son gone through therapy? From what I read, a combination of DBT and medication is the best option. I hope your son improves and I hope you keep your sanity. Keep showing him you love him, though. He needs it. Tell him what you try to avoid is not him but conflicts. He is unwell and suffers greatly. I hope he accepts treatment.
Of course, don't let the abuse become physical.
Hang in there.

[SadMum]

Hi @Espoir 

I have not spoken or seen my son since I told him to leave and never come back last week. The last I heard he had slept on the lounge at his dad's place for a couple of nights but that was Monday I got that information. I don't want to contact him and he hasn't made any effort to talk to me. He crossed a line last week and I have built a wall. The last time I asked him to leave (because he stole my EFTPOS card) It broke my heart and I cried all the time and was desperate to know he was okay. That was at the beginning of this year. He's only been back 5 months and the behaviour has deteriorated again so seriously that to have him continue living with me is untenable.

He's a very intelligent sensitive soul but was asked to leave school because of bad behaviour and did not complete his HSC. He's frightened of success, frightened of failure, self sabatages all the time and lacks motivation to do anything. Can't hold down a job, heck can't even hold down regular Centrelink payments! His life is very unmanageable in every area but he simply can't seem to see his part in it. He's angry with himself and the world and his temper is unpredictable. I not only feel the rock in the pit of my stomach but when he is living here, I am constantly in a highly vigilant state and ready to fight or take flight. He is verbally abusive, physically intimidating and often damages property when he has an outburst. He scares me.

I believe he has been depressed for many years, probably from his early teens. He has done a small amount of counselling with a psychologist (as a condition of him moving back here last time) but did not maintain it. He is terrified of the stigma associated with mental illness and refuses to believe that it can be dealt with. In fact, although he deeply knows his actions are not "normal" he is still remarkably in denial. 

I am so sad for him, he has so much potential. He's bright, articulate, handsome and could have a lot to offer but his pride keeps him miserable for the moment. I am done, I have tried everything but the only thing that I believe will help him is to cut his ties with me. His and my relationship is too toxic and probably codependent. He can survive on his own but I've just rescued him too many times and he doesn't ever feel the need to exercise his own resilience. I believe he is depressed, has anxiety and certainly has anger management problems but he is now well and truly an adult and needs to find his own way.

It has taken me a long time to reach this point as the maternal guilt is paralysing but this has resulted in me overcompensating on far too many occassions and him not really learning the consequences of his actions.

 I hope your son makes some improvement with his therapy and you get some assistance from someone in the mental health area. It's a bloody tough road to travel and I hear you loud and clear. Although our son's issues may be different, I think there is certainly a very strong similarity in the feelings of mother's dealing with their son's mental health issues. 

[Kiera80]

@Espoir @SadMum  You both seem to have wonderful children, if not for the mental illness affecting them.  I am not a parent and I won't pretend to put myself in your shoes but in reading your posts I am hoping that you both aren't taking on any blame in what is happening.

Our family went down that road with my sibling.  The question always raised was "where did we go wrong"?

My parents were in tears many times over everything that has happened and awful things were done to them as well as to me.  To this day they don't understand why my sibling has this mental illness.  Nobody in our family has ever had these traits.

In opposition to how you describe your sons, my sibling was always the one that did everything wrong.  Right from todler stage to now.  You know when your kids are young and you tell them "don't touch that" for whatever reason?  My sibling would boldly stare my mother in the face and go ahead and touch it anyway.  The boundaries were always pushed.  The behaviour, even when very young, usually involved risk.  My sibling would wander away from home at every opportunity of escape.  I remember finding my sibling had climbed up the highest trees in our back yard with no obvious way of getting down again.  My sibling was just a very naughty, naughty child.  My mother at one point was even on medication to keep her calm and be able to deal with it all.  To describe my sibling as the black sheep is an understatement.

I guess what I'm saying is that right from the start my sibling wasn't a normal child.  Does that mean there was always the chance of getting a mental illness?  Doesn't seem so when so many other children had happy, loving homes. 

The more I think about it, I don't really believe anyone is predisposed to getting a mental illness.  There are just too many variables.  It almost seems like a game of russian roulette. The last thing we should be doing is wondering if there was something that happened long ago that we can point the finger at or blame ourselves for. 

As the older child I often think back and wonder if I had protected my sibling more would it have made a difference.  You can play the what if game forever if you let yourself.  It's so easy to take on the guilt but if I don't close that door and leave the past in the past I would just add more stress on top of everything else. 

I find myself building an invisible brick wall around myself for my own mental protection.  The downside to this is that while protecting me, it keeps my sibling at arms length.  It means that I can't love my sibling as if they were a normal person and we had a normal relationship.  There will always be a distance there and as much as I dare to hope, I know I can't do anything about it.  It's very sad to live like this but it's also very necessary.

[Alessandra1992]

As a carer I hear your despair and know the personal cost of hyper vigilance. However, seeking answers as to why and where a person becomes unwell is an exercise in futility. Because either we blame ourselves "It must be my fault, I am not a good parent" to "its their fault and why won't they change?".

Either type helps none of us..

Getting help is hard as there is stigma for the people we love who obviously dont want to identify as unwell and for carers because there has been a past culture of blame the mother poor attachment etc...

For a young person to be diagnosed creates its own challenges..like using a diagnosis of " I can't help it, it's my illness that makes me".

And sometimes that is true but to have hope we need to believe that a well lived life is possible for us and our loved ones. Absolutely sometimes we have to turn our backs as love doesn't mean accepting abuse..

Its a hard road we journey.. But we can try and emphasize the positives in ourselves and the people we love...

To be reasonable is my first exercise of love, to aid and require others to be reasonable is my second...

Thank you for sharing.. I hope your young people find and accept help in whatever form it arrives..I have heard good things about e- headspace and youth outreach services..

It is very challenging when our beautiful sons/daughters, sisters/ brothers do not want to accept any help...

Maybe we could ask for a forum guest on working with young people? What resources and services are available? Strategies for keeping lunes of communication open when we cannot live safely under same roof?

[SadMum]

Thankyou @Alessandra1992 

A beautiful response and a great idea about  a forum guest and topic.

[Espoir]

Thank you for replying. You are very right regarding codependency; it becomes a vicious cycle. And yes, it is very important for them to learn the consequences of their actions. They really struggle with that. I am so drained by that situation, I can't even think clearly enough to reply to you properly. But I do sympathize, believe me.
Things are a little calmer here as the school year has ended; less pressure for him.
I hope you are slowly getting over your decision.