Lived Experience Forum

[The-red-centaur]

It's my birthday in 3 days. 

Its not a happy day, more like day of abuse. I have barely told anyone what he did last year. 

Why should I celebrate being sexually assaulted. 

My psychologist stared me down today and said forgive yourself.

.....

No was the word that flew out of my mouth before she even finished. 

I can't 

I just can't. 

I let him. 

It's my fault. 

[TW: Sexual Assault]

Content/trigger warning

Why did i let him rape me. Over and again. 

I was so stupid. 

Fck you Red

And making it worse is the fact my mum is here. She said something about that person who did it yesterday. I tell her or she will just say I told you so. Mum isn't thr nicest person. It's hard. Faking smiles and pretending I wanted to see her. 

[Jynx]

Oh my stars @The-red-centaur I'm so sorry that your birthday carries such memories, such weight. I think it's very fair that you don't want to go through the motions and 'celebrate' just because you're 'supposed to'. And sounds like your mum is really not a safe person for you - does this mean you've ticked the box for seeing her for your bday, or will you need to spend time with her again over the next little while? 

It's okay if you're not ready to forgive yourself. Forgiveness, in my experience, is one of the biggest and most emotionally complex things for us to do in this life. Even when it's directed at ourselves. But maybe, even if you're not ready for it yet, there's some small step you can still take in the direction of forgiveness? Just like...telling yourself it's okay to be angry, or it's okay to resent your birthday; little bits and bobs like that can have a big impact down the line. 

Oh also PS I added a trigger warning to your post, feel free to email us if you have questions or concerns. 

And if there's anything the team can do to support you over the next little while, whilst things are very intense, let us know 💜

[NatureLover]

Am so very sorry to hear, @The-red-centaur  😭

I hope you can take care of yourself, especially over the next few days...

[Captain24]

Hey @The-red-centaur.

Im sorry that this happened to you, especially the day it happened.

I understand how hard it is to forgive yourself. I haven’t. But I have finally learnt that I didn’t deserve it. It’s taken me 15 years. 

I had a Pdoc say to me. If she had a patient that she let into her consulting room and they punched her would it be her fault, did she deserve it. Just food for thought. 

I hope you get through the next few days

[The-red-centaur]

Thanks @Jynx @NatureLover @Captain24 

I had a really hectic night. I went to the park after I posted that to try to calm myself. My carers called the police because I had told them I'm feeling unsafe. The took me to hospital, after about 15 minutes I got so overwhelmed I just ran away. I tried to walk home. I didn't have my walking stick and my legs were killing me and it was dark, but I was so distressed and dissociated that I just kept walking. Half way I stopped by a lake and caught my breath. I ended up just staring at the lake for an hour. I calmed a little and didn't end up hurting myself. Police found me. I begged them to take me home. My carer was surprised but let me and I just went to bed. 

I had terrible dreams about the abuse and my mum. 

But I guess I'm still here and soldiering on. 

[Captain24]

That’s a really rough night @The-red-centaur. I hope you were able to get some rest today. 

Are you feeling safer at the moment? 

[The-red-centaur]

@Captain24 I'm safe enough

[Jynx]

@The-red-centaur oh hun, what an utterly exhausting evening. I am glad you're home, and hope that you've been able to rest your weary bones today. 

I'm here for ya if you want to chat - about the heavy stuff, or about some lighter stuff if the distraction could help 💜

[The-red-centaur]

@Jynx I haven't been able to rest today. 

After the colouring mum came over mid morning. She is still here. With everything going on I'm finding it hard to deal with my memories and triggers and be with her. I'm also having a birthday party with the ndis company I live at this afternoon. It's soon so I can't even rest. 

I m exhausted. 

[Jynx]

Oh geez @The-red-centaur that sounds like a lot! I mean... would there be any gnarly repercussions if you asked for a shorter bday and sent everyone home by 6pm or something?