Lived Experience Forum

[oceangirl]

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@BlueBay wrote:

Hi @TheVorticon no my psychologist really didn't give me any advice except for trying to not believe my thoughts???

maybe i need to speak to my own doctor or my psychiatrist 

i don't know.

Hi @oceangirl 

i just googled anxiety reg. health and do you know what first came up - hypocondria!!!

Is that me?  Am i really that bad that now i am an hypocondriac!!

Tonight is not a good night for me to believe this

I'm not really like this; all i seek is support, care and someone like a doctor does that.

what the hell is wrong? why am i so bad like this?  

i give up

@BPDSurvivor @Owlunar @Mazarita @Emelia8 @MDT 

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Hi @BlueBay 

I am sorry you're struggling tonight. Try to park up those thoughts and worries for tonight.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Health-Anxiety -please take a look at this and it has a workbook attached to it.

To worry about your health is quite normal

And you're not a hypocondriac. 

[oceangirl]

Hi again my sister @BlueBay 

I am not able to sleep- I had been watching TV.

And then Kira went outside and got a green frog and she has been sick.

I have washed her blanket and towel and I gave her a quick bath. She had me really worried and now she is sleeping which means she is relaxed and comfortable. If you need support, please reach out here- we all think the world of you.

[BlueBay]

Hey @BPDSurvivor  can I ask you something?

when you were seeing different doctors how did you feel at that time? For me when I'm at the doctors I feel like I'm getting a 'good feel fix' because I am supported cared and listened. But I also feel like 'a child again and very vulnerable' 

how long did you do this? 

I thought I would stay with the one but then when he gets me angry I want to change doctors. 
I didn't realise I was doing this but over the years I was doing this. 
I need to really think hard about this because my rational mind knows it's not good. It's my emotional mind at that time when distressed thst my rational mind goes out the door. 

This is tough. 

hi @TheVorticon i Thought my psychologist was going to give me some tips or advice. But not much really. I'm thinking that my next doctors visit I'll explain this to him. And even my psych I'll chat to him. 

[BlueBay]

Thsnks sis for your support @oceangirl 

I have so much thinking to do on this. 
I hope you got to sleep eventually and had a good sleep. 
what are you doing today. Here it's raining so I think inside dsy today. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Hey @BlueBay ,

 Just like you, when one doctor didn't give me what I wanted (meds, reassurance, care etc), I got angry and went to the next. 

To be honest, I only stopped doing this late last year. This means it's been going on for at least 15 years. 

My 'fix' is usually with my psychologist. At first I saw him at least once a week, then it reduced to once a week, then once a fortnight, and now it's about every 3 weeks. However, if I had a 'bad' period of time, I go back to seeing him more regularly, then slowly taper it once I'm over the challenging period.

Put it this way @BlueBay , people don't just 'go see doctors' because they think it's great. People go because they need something, be it reassurance, scripts etc. Hence, it wouldn't be right to tell you to stop seeing doctors/therapists unless you had something to fill what is missing.

It would, however, be a good idea to raise this with your therapist so that you can work on developing strategies to become more independent and less dependent/co-dependent on external measures.

Ive also been reflecting on the title of this thread, 'needing reassurance...' I thought I'd point out that everyone needs reassurance. It is not wrong to always need reassurance. Although you may need it from professionals for a time, the work should be to move towards developing the skills of self-reassurance. Even then, once you can reassure yourself, it doesn't mean you will never need reassurance from an external person. It is about finding a balance.

Ponder this. Let me know your thoughts.

BPDSurvivior

[BlueBay]

Hi @BPDSurvivor 

15 yrs is a long time isn't it? I have noticed that I'm doing this in recent times. I don't know how to reassure myself.  Even if I said to myself "you'll be ok. Or it better if you just see one doctor". It wouldn't work. 

I was abandoned by a psychologist thst I had for 5 years. I saw him every week. I'll never forget the day he told me he couldn't see me snymire. I was a mess. So I had to find another psychologist myself. I was raged with anger. He even took advantage of me and physically gave me hugs. I thought oh he must really like me. I looked up at him as a father figure. 

my doctor only wants to see me every fortnight but I'm taking advantage and sometimes I'll go in between the fortnight. 

[oceangirl]

Your welcome my sis @BlueBay 

One step at a time. As the psychologist or psychiatrist offered any advice to you? Perhaps attend a day program at hospital to build the skills you need to function better and able to self sooth more. 

I have not been up to much today- I caught up on my sleep, did a bit of cooking and mowed the lawn. I was up with Kira last night.

[BlueBay]

Hi @oceangirl  no I haven't really been given any advice. I think what I'll do I'd def tslk to my doctor snd psych when I see him in 3 weeks time. He msy suggest outpatient program. I'll see what he says. 

[BPDSurvivor]

Yes @BlueBay , 15 years is a very long time. The doctor shopping was about being 'in control'. My emotional state was so out of control that I sought to regain control by getting whatever I wanted (from whomsoever I wanted). So when one doctor said, no, I flew into a rage, hated them and went to someone else to get what I wanted... this went on and on.

As part of my recovery, I handed over my meds so that I don't see anything more than what I need to take. It gets delivered to my house weekly - I don't touch scripts and don't handle meds. I know, in myself, I am still not ready to look after my own meds, hence my doctor works with the pharmacy to dispense what I need. This shows that despite my recovery, I still have weaknesses I need to work with.

As for seeing my therapist/dr, if it has been arranged that I only see them fortnightly, I force myself to stick to that. This is because I know boundaries are needed in my recovery. If I give in an inch, BPD will take a yard. 

I think it's good to stick to how you have arranged to see your doctor. You'll surprise yourself that you CAN actually make it - I'm not saying it's easy, but it will help you in your recovery. The longer your 'wait' time, the more strategies you will learn to self-soothe.

BPDSurvivor

[BlueBay]

I so understand what you're saying @BPDSurvivor 

if my doctor says something I don't like or in my head I think he's not hearing me I get sngry and then I say to myself "that's it I'm going to the other doctor"

At times I have  said to myself "right I'm going to not see my doctor for 2-3 weeks.  But what happens is in between something might happen ie a bad situation snd I'll sink right down to despair scared vulnerable etc etc snd have to see my doctor earlier like they day. I did try to extend my appointments to 3 weeks but it didn't last. 
as for my meds when I was taking 5 different meds I was on a pack from the chemist. But now I'm only on 2 so there's no point. 
but I'm saying that I still sabotage snd stop taking them. Stop start so much this year. 

I do understand they you say the longer the "wait time" the more I'll learn strategies to self soothe. 

I know this all makes sense. It's just me. 
sm I scared of doing it if trying. I'm so scared of getting better. Msybe I want to stsy like this. I don't know. I think because I was abandoned by my psychologist of 5 years it left a lot of fear snd Msybe trust as well. I just never know when  someone sill abandon me agsin. It's the worst feeling. 
I know it's something I need to work on. 

did you discuss this with your psychologist and psychiatrist?

I really appreciate you chstting with me.  

I know exactly what you're saying. I can relate to it so much. Xxx