Lived Experience Forum

[Lilian2015]

@EternalFlower Thanks for your message. 

I hear you about the fear of investing so much in therapy and not having it help me. I entered therapy a few years ago with the mindset that I was broken and need to be fixed. With it, I very quickly stopped feeling like I was. Sadly, I’m back there. I’m hoping this time by going deeper into the core of things, I will see some lasting change. 

thank you. You’re not alone either 😊 

[tyme]

Hey @Lilian2015 ...

Your post really resonated with me - I had that mindset too! I was innately WRONG and broken and I couldn't be fixed. That was how I entered therapy! I don't think this mindset changed until about 18 months into it... that's how long it takes for my brain to 'change'!

BPD therapy is about making subtle changes in the brain. It is about unlearning old habits and re-learning new, better ways of dealing with emotions, people, relationships etc. This takes time.

@Lilian2015 , think about how many years it has taken for you to develop the coping strategies you currently use - a lifetime! This is why it takes so long to 'unlearn' what you have taken a lifetime to learn. Then therapy teaches more effective coping strats. You then have to practise these skills over and over again so that when you actually need them, you are well-practised at them! Hope that makes sense.

My therapy included 2 hours of group and 1 hour of individual each week. That was the entire 'course'. It was so specialised for BPD, and now, I am so grateful I went through with it.

Boy! Was it hard!

Hang in there,

tyme

[Lilian2015]

@Appleblossom sorry, my original response did not send. 

You’re very welcome 😊 

I hear you regarding fearing what to say. I’m often scared of being ‘too much’ and scared of ‘not being enough’. 

I hear you about fearing that you’ve spoken about yourself too much too. I often fear and have been accused of turning a conversation about my self, however, I personally appreciate someone sharing their story/experiences/emotions with me as a way to relate. Yes we’re all seperate individuals however, we’re all human at the end of the day. I very much felt your care and compassion in your response so please don’t worry. 

friendship is hard, I hear you about being needy, I’ve been that many times too. I’ve also been distant and fully independent too. I guess the point is to learn to give and take as well as trust the other persons intentions and trust yourself enough to know that no matter what you’ll cope. I often put myself in really shitty situations unintentionally when I’m in some type of idolisation phase/feel confident/sure in myself. I tell myself that I can take the sacrifice and tell myself that at the end of the day it doesn’t matter. Not entirely a lie, however, when you frequently put your needs aside you build false expectations for yourself and others. Point is, we are not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. I aspire to once again respectfully accept that and not feel ‘bad’. I also aspire to not play out some fantasy where I try to recreate long standing close relationships and receive the love and acceptance I’ve always wanted. I want to give that to myself - rant over 😂

Point I was trying to make is please don’t put yourself down for being ‘needy’. Please also give yourself permission to give yourself what you need. The love and care you desire and deserve.

Thank you and yes, I felt that in your original response.

[Appleblossom]

@Lilian2015 

Inner smile.

Think our friendship is getting off to a great start.

Yes expectations can be an issue.

I am learning not to try too hard ...

I recently became part of NDIS and found that may I was feeling more hopeless and helpless than ever, but seem to have past low point and getting better .... hope you do too.

[Lilian2015]

@Appleblossom thank you 😊 

they really are.

I am finding myself everywhere but work not trying at all - I’m not helping myself at the moment. 

I am really happy to hear that you’re past your low point. I hope someday soon I can say the same 

[Lilian2015]

@tyme  thank you for sharing your experience,  I really appreciate it and really need to hear it. It’s a really lonely, isolating and scary time at the moment. 

I am feeling that exact way at the moment. I feel utterly worthless, wrong, broken, etc. I feel like the world hates me and that I need to crawl into a whole. My heart doesn’t want that but it feels safer for everyone. Shit spot to be in! 

I am hoping that one day soon I wake up and that the switch has been flipped, I really fear that won’t happen or it’ll be a decade before it does. Hearing it took you 18 months makes me feel better. Gives me much needed hope. 

I think I just hate DBT because it (to me) makes me feel like I am all the things I feel and fear. I resist it because although I want relationships, I don’t want to continue a life where I’ve got to be someone else. That’s the message I’m getting and that’s what I’ve felt like I have to do my whole life. 

The therapist I’m seeing now isn’t affiliated with DBT, I’m hoping working with him helps my own internal issues/thoughts/behaviours and as a result, my mindset shifts and I become more receptive to DBT. 

I think I’m also struggling to see how everything is me and BPD. I mean I can see many poor coping mechanisms over the years yet, I can really see some positive ones too. I feel like I can never win no matter what I do or say. 

Ending up where I’ve ended up seems really confusing this time. I guess I thought I was doing the ‘work’, things had really changed and then boom. 

It’s all very exhausting, fingers crossed it picks up soon

[tropicalsun]

Hi @Lilian2015,

Thank you for sharing your experience. It's great that you are able to relate to the experience others' had. I can imagine how difficult it must be to feel like you have to be someone else, or that you have to change to fit a certain 'norm'. It is good that you are identifying the therapies you feel comfortable with and that you're able to identify the ones that don't sit well with you. You're being true to yourself.

I would be tough to be in this hopeless and helpless space, it is a difficult and at times terrifying space to be in. Do you have any supports around you tonight?

Your SANE family is here for you. I hope you are able to find some rest tonight. 

tropicalsun

[Lilian2015]

@tropicalsun  Thank you for your message.

It’s not great, it’s a scary place and to be honest, it has been my home for so long.

I hope one day I experience the freedom to just be me. Without fear, sadness, anger, pain, trust issues, etc. That’s my ultimate goal. Even if life doesn’t pan out the way I had wanted, if I can find peace that’ll be nice for me. 

I don’t really have any supports,  I’m doing this pretty much alone. I’m ok, I’m off to bed now. 

thank you, I appreciate you all more than any words can say ❤️ 

[tyme]

Dear @Lilian2015 ,

Thinking of you and hope to hear how you are going.

You are not alone in your journey.

It may be tough now, but the skills you develop are invaluable as you tackle what comes after. You will see so much growth after your DBT course. Reflecting on how you were when you first started to where you finally end up can be very encouraging - that said, there WILL be bumps along the way.

Sitting with you,

tyme

[Lilian2015]

Hi @tyme thanks for your message.

sorry that it’s taken me a while to reply, I’m feeling really burnt out and tired at the moment. 

I am excited to get to that stage. Although things are pretty rough at the moment, I’m slowly building back a little bit of a life, which is really nice. 

im very much struggling to manage my mood at the moment. I’m planning some self care over the next few weeks. 

thank you 😊