I can’t cope

[Captain24]

   

[Captain24]

Pixie is now on antihistamines hopefully they help her fully recover from Saturdays massive scare. She is looking better and I think she is feeling better. When mum went to take them for a walk yesterday there was fear in her eyes. She was ok once she knew that she was in the pram. Poor little baby. I’m just glad she is still with me. 

Pix is the only reason that I’m alive.With out her I would have ended my life years ago 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening, lovely! @Captain24 

How are you feeling? How is little Pix going tonight? 🥺

I am really glad you decided to take a day for you on Friday. I know how hard it can be to say no to work and yes to ourselves. How was the day off?

The tap routine sounds SO fun. I am shocking at tap haha would you ever go to a tap class again?

Thank you, that's a really kind affirmation! A few things are coming my way that are asking me to expand, so I guess I have to jump in??

Oh gosh, of course you were worried about Pix. I am so sorry for my delay! This would have been really scary for you to sit with alone. In moments like this, I wonder who else you could reach out to? 

I get the sense there are people who would really want to be there for you, if you decided to reach out. But I can understand why your mind might think otherwise at times - mine does too. 💛

[Captain24]

Hi @AuntGlow 

I was at work last night and I’ve got tonight as well. It’s feeling really hard to be at work at the moment and I really don’t know why. It was an okish shift but I just struggled. 

Mum said Pix was good last night and hasn’t had any reaction to the human antihistamines. When I got home this morning she wanted to play and started running around with Jett. I had to pick her up, if she plays, gets over excited or exercises she could die. It’s actually really extreme. She looks heaps better though. Hopefully the antihistamines work and her breathing settles down and she can go back to semi normal. She will be able to do everything just not get overheated. I’ve just got to get her through this hurdle safely. 

I slept in and did a 3D puzzle plus finished one of my resin coasters. I didn’t really do much. Just a day of nothing. 

It was a lot of fun, I even won first place in an eisteddfod with it! I don’t think I’ll go back to any dancing anymore. My bestie kinda ruined it for me. She continually told me that I wasn’t doing well and put me down a lot. She also pulled me out of a lot of things. I’ve lost my passion for it. 

Sometimes I can be nice, just not very often. You can jump in or just take each one as it comes. Like not get overwhelmed by it all. One step at a time. If that’s at all possible? 

It’s ok. I know that we don’t chat just a one off message every now and then so I wasn’t expecting you to see it on Sunday anyway. I wasn’t relying on anyone here. I just kinda needed to get it out somewhere as I have isolated myself from everybody. I didn’t really know who, in my life, that I could turn too. 

Maybe they might but I don’t want to get hurt or rejected and that’s always my first thought. I don’t need anymore pain right now. I’m struggling with the pain I’ve already got. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ! Just reading about Pix! Yikes!

That must've been so frightening! How's is everything going now?

Hope you are okay. That's a lot to digest and take in!

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Mum said Pix was terrified she could see it in her eyes. Pix is really lucky to be here, it’s basically a miracle. I was in shock when she told me and didn’t really react, then I got really angry that she would take Pix out in 30 degrees in the middle of the afternoon. I didn’t say anything though. Then it hit me big time that I nearly lost my beautiful baby girl. The reason that I’m alive and I cried. I still cry. I cried when I told my psych today. 

Pix isn’t out of the woods yet though but as each day passes she is safer. I’ll give her the antihistamines for the 14 days and if I think she has even the slightest of breathing issue I’ll take her to the vet. The one that saved her life. 

Im struggling a little with it or should I really say.. a lot. I’m still processing it but being able to talk about it today helped. 

We also talked through strategies to get me to the hospital and get me into surgery. She was asking my anxiety out of 10 and the more we talked the higher it went. She was watching me and saw it increase so she help bring me back down. It’s amazing what can be ‘read’ over Telehealth. 

How are you going? How’s ’that’ fork? Are you coping with it? 

[tyme]

Wow. So much has happened since I last spoke to you! It really makes you think about the brevity of life. Poor Pix. It sounded so so frightening. 

I'm glad you were able to talk about it with your psych. Being able to have that therapeutic relationship is so important. And then, you can connect with people here and use some of the self-regulation strategies that you have learnt. That's one thing SANE can't do, and that's replacing any clinical support. So I'm so glad you are able to reach out to your supports too.

I woke up at 4:30 and couldn't go back to sleep. I got a far bit done, but it was after hours and hours of my brain zinging and zapping. I just couldn't focus at all! I was starting to get annoyed with myself, but finally, by the afternoon, I felt I accomplished more. 

I hope to get more done tomorrow.

As for the 'fork', it's still around, but I'm finding that I've been able to talk myself around it. The fact is, the fork stays, so now I just want to change the approach I have towards the fork. I feel a lot lighter that way.

I really hope Pix continues to pick up @Captain24 . Did Jett sense anything?

[Captain24]

It does make you think about life. @tyme. Mum was so scared, she didn’t think the vet was going to make it in time. Out of hours and she lives 20 minutes away. She picked Pix up and rushed her into the back room and made mum hold the oxygen mask on Pix’s face while she wet towels and laid them down to wrap Pix in. Pix stayed there for an hour and a half. 

Pix isn’t to exercise, get excited, play or get hot. The next day mum got the leads ready to walk and mum said Pix was scared. They put her in the pram though and mum said you could see the relief. She is only allowed in the pram for now. When the weather gets warmer Pix isn’t to walk the vet said she must go in the pram. She is really lethargic and tired but has moments where she tries to run around with Jett but I just pick her up and give her a cuddle. Hopefully when she starts to get back to normal the heat thing won’t be so bad but she is not to walk in hot weather ever again. 

Mum was too focused on the fact that Pix had collapsed and wasn’t breathing properly to notice Jett. But when they got home and Pix was in hospital mum had to calm Jett down as he just kept running around looking for her. His separation anxiety was heightened. 

I can tell my psych anything. She can read me if somethings not right as well. She is awesome. She is seeing me in the 23rd of December because it’s a long time from the 10th of December to the 20th. 

That's early. I was driving a truck at that time! I hate the no focus thing, you just get nowhere and nothing gets done. I’m glad you could finally settle this afternoon though. After the no focus you seem to accomplish a lot more than you normally would. It’s really weird how it works but I guess thats what being ND is.

Is the fork permanent? Or just not able to shift for now? At least you are working with it and not against it which will help the lighter feeling. It’s been a really good analogy to describe things you can’t actually say! 

[AuntGlow]

Good evening @Captain24,

How was work last night? 

It's okay to not know why things are feeling a bit harder at work right now... but out of curiosity, what springs to mind first?

Is Pix doing okay? 🥺

Putting together 3D puzzles and resin coasters sounds so fun! Definitely not a day of nothing. Enjoyment is why we are here, right? 🥰

Oh wow... I am so sorry to hear this, Captain. Having someone put you down and pull you away from your dreams is incredibly unfair. I know we can't change what has transpired, but I do wonder if that part of you could be reignited again with the right love and support? 

You are nice very often, actually! One step at a time is a helpful reminder. 

When do you see your psychologist next?

I understand not wanting to feel hurt or rejected... have you noticed any moments where you have felt held and accepted this week at all? 💛

[Captain24]

Work the other night was alright ish. @AuntGlow. I was counting down the hours until I was finished and then the digger broke so my last 45 minutes was paid at overtime rates to do nothing. 

Im just tired I guess, tired of the pressure I put on myself to be perfect, tired of having to be nice to people. I’m not nice so that can be hard work. I’m extra nice to two people though because they actually turn their heads and ignore me! I just do it to annoy them. 

Pix is doing a little better each day. So that’s good. 

My psych asked me what I did with the day I called in sick and was proud of me for not going to bed for the day. 

I doubt it, my confidence has been shattered and there isn’t anywhere here to do it anymore anyway. Plus I guess I’m too old now anyway. 

I saw my psych yesterday. We talked about Pix and I may have shed a tear. It was good to have someone listen and unload too. Then we came up with strategies for getting me too the hospital and while I’m waiting to go in. I have to write the list down and put it in my pocket. She asked me out of 10 how I would feel when I get there and I said a 9. She watched my anxiety rise as we were talking about hospital. 

The only time I’ve felt heard is with my psych. Nothing else. Oh and a few posts in here. One especially. 👀 

Rejection is really strong for me at the moment and I’m seeing and feeling it a lot. 

If you don’t have time or don’t want to then it’s ok to not respond. No pressure. I won’t wait around.