I can’t cope

[Captain24]

It’ll never click. I always do something wrong. I’ve been trying so hard but it’s never good enough. Others say so much worse but it’s ok because it’s them not me. @Jynx 

I am stupid but that can’t change as that’s who I am. I feel even worse now than I did. so much worse. I feel like a failure. I feel rejected. 

I don’t know how to put a positive spin on that. 

Im sorry. I don’t deserve the care and support. 

This will get deleted any way. 

[Jynx]

It's not about how 'bad' the content is @Captain24 - because again, we are not asking you to be happy all the time. 

Which is why we also aren't asking you to 'put a positive spin' on things. 

So you've written this - 

"I am stupid but that can’t change as that’s who I am. I feel even worse now than I did. so much worse. I feel like a failure. I feel rejected." 

Which isn't recovery focused, it's rumination. To make it recovery focused, 

"I am struggling with some dark thoughts - that I'm stupid, that it's who I am and I can't change it, that I'm a failure. Just really feeling rejected. I could use some company/support/uplifting words." 

The expression of the emotional content is still completely there. But the community now knows what you need, and they can a) feel confident that you are not at risk and b) feel more able to respond, because you've been specific about what is gonna be helpful. 

Make any more sense? 

[Captain24]

I wanted support but was made feel that I wasn’t worthy of it. @Jynx 

So little can do so much damage. I’m just a problem and particular people make me feel that way. 

I don’t think that others realise the uncertainty that things can cause. The irreparable damage to already damaged minds. 

Im in so much pain before all this and now it feels so much worse. The pain, the thoughts, the rejection. 

I guess the only thing is to say I’m safe as that’s all that’s wanted to be heard. 

So I’m safe

[Jynx]

When mods make changes @Captain24 it is never a discouragement for engaging. As in, if we didn't want you posting here, your account would be paused. And it takes a LOT more than a couple small post edits to warrant that. 

You're not a problem, you're a person - and more to the point, you are of that group of people for whom this website was built. Our priority is to ensure you are safe, yes, but also that you are able to continue accessing our services because we know they support you in your recovery.

So on an interpersonal level, the staff want you here because we're fond of you, but on another level, we want you here because that's like, our whole reason for existing. Every one of us is dedicated to that mission, SANE's mission, and so fundamentally you belong here and have a right to be here. 

We know it's a bit of an adjustment, and with change comes uncertainty. We know that in trauma-informed care, consistency is a key factor. So it's no surprise that there's a few growing pains. But we are here to help you through those growing pains as best we can. 

How about, the next time you're not sure if your post is recovery-focused or not, you tag @moderator or one of the PSWs and ask for a little help/ask them to check over it? Like any new skill, it's just gonna take a bit of practice. 

You could have a go right now? Tell me a bit about how you're feeling, and then what might be helpful - only if you want to though. 

[Captain24]

I write how I was feeling but it’s been deleted. @Jynx 

So yes. I’m silenced 

Nothing is right. 

I’ve just been pushed to far over the edge

[RiverSeal]

Hey @Captain24, please refer to your email where we contacted you about the post to support you. Thank you RiverSeal 

[Captain24]

Hey don’t bother. 

I think it’s for the best if I just leave. 

Things like this when I’m already in a really dark place just make it so much harder. I just go deeper and deeper. 

I get that there isn’t as much care here any more. You don’t want to deal with that. 

I understand. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I saw your post - I can see that you're trying!! And you're like, almost there, definitely on the right track.

Maybe you could try to think of it this way hun - ask yourself, 'How does this support my recovery?' Cos that's what we want, right? To make progress, bit by bit. 

So when you say to the community that you are looking for support with these feelings, what does that look like?

Do you want someone to help you feel less alone? Do you want suggestions on next steps? Coping strategies? A distraction? 

Maybe you aren't sure what you need. That's okay. "Not too sure what I need but I needed to get those thoughts out. I am not really okay, but I am safe. Going to take some breaths."

The other thing is about how things like rumination can impact your recovery too. If we have to change the way we are having to think about what we post, it is a subtle shift that we can then take into other areas of our life. I could expand on this more but I have already written a lot and I don't wanna overwhelm you. 

I do want you to know that it's okay to be confused and hurt by all of this. It's not personal, and it's not targeted, even if it feels like it is. We are on your side hun 💜

[Captain24]

It doesn’t matter anymore @Jynx. I just posted at the same time as you. 

I tried and still failed. 

How do I go about deleting my account? That feels like my only option. Probably doesn’t matter anyway