Coping with negative/suicidal thoughts.

[Appleblossom]

we only see the fronts that others put out ... why put yourself down or compare ... the job and school system often sets up in competitiveness that is counter productive ... its only good when it is good but not all the time.

Have you seen the Robert Sapolski vids or books ... he's a primatologist who describes us, as a mix between a pair bonding and tournament species 

[Appleblossom]

Is there anything time dependant that will make the difference or is it your fear that you cant wait ...

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

I dunno. I've been trying so hard at work to gain a bit more work, to show I am better and can be "normal". And on Monday I am getting it. And I need to register myself so I can formally own Killara. And they want me to pick up extra work around the farm.

I dunno. I want to SH. I want to die. And it seems rational. SH doesn't really, but could be a decent compromise.
It's that it makes sense. And I'd prefer sooner rather than later. Finish on a good note. Before I go downhill again and everyone sees me for the useless screw-up I am.

[Former-Member]

Hugs @Crazy_Bug_Lady

I guess I would say that you know yourself well and if you feel that a sooner visit to the psych would be helpful then do it. Be honest because you deserve to be helped and not feel like this. Also I know you've been through tough times before and gotten through them (though I understand what you are saying about not wanting to go through it again though!) you never know what's around the corner. Work is important but it doesn't need to rule your life or measure your worth as w human being. Your kindness and love for your work on the farm is more important to who you are. Think of the heifer and your new stud that you're about to create. Something that will be uniquely yours and something that you can grow and nurture.
Please seek help from lifeline or the er if things get serious tonight, you are important to me, and others here,
Lj

[MoonGal]

@Crazy_Bug_Lady , @Former-Member @Former-Member

Hope everyone is travelling okay since posting, and what a great community and place that we can say - oh no, i'm travelling rough. and others reach back with care. I love that.

I haven't had a lot of success with challenging my own thoughts as *rational* (or not) they always seem *rational* to me when I am in them.

I'm gonna share something I do to help myself shift from SH/suicidal thoughts. I know it proably makes me sound crazy (haha but well, ya know I am!) It was first suggested to me by a counsellor about 20 years ago and has been pretty effective tool in my 'tool kit' for me.

When I am in a state and imminent SH (or suicide) seems to be the only solution, if I can I ask myself - "what in me needs to 'die' or to be 'punished' what am I holding on to? - what old belief, unhelpful thought or planted socialisation that I am unworthy, unwanted, unhelpful needs to be let go, or sent away right now so I can get on with being as good as I can be?".

If I can't figure it out to that detail because life is crashing around me or I can't think straight I just use the "Impusle" as the thing to to be gone.

I then 'fantasize' about what that thing is using some image as a representation of the thing - I turn it into a 'thing' in my mind's eye (it's a black box or a little hessian sack full of the hurtful 'stuff")- and put it in a LEAKY boat in my imagination/mind's eye and send the boat out to sea and watch it sink below the waves. Then walk home knowing 'it has gone'.

I have a whole theatre of various mental rehearsals of this type, that if I can catch myself in a state of wanting to SH (or suicide) I deliberately fill my mind with one of my "high drama scenarios" that always end in the thing that is causing my 'sturm und drang' being 'gone'.  (No ending is ever violent, just determinedly 'done')

These are various images I use - deliberatly to shift and dispose of the imminent danger. These are mental scenarios that I embroider and enrich to create a real sense of 'shift' from the SH or suicidal thoughts.

*At the end of these 'imaginings' I come back to the present clearly and do some task or pleasant thing in the now that centres and grounds myself. As simple even as havong a cup of tea or putting on a dab of essential oil and smelling it.

• The leaky boat (as above)

• I fly the dragon to the desert, always asking their permission of course dragon's being mighty and haughty beasts <grin>, noticing the sand colour, the stumpy grasses, that little lizard etc - and dig a big hole with my hands and put in the hole whatever is the trouble (in a biodegradable bag ) and bury the problem, then fly home. *

• I walk into a forest and notice everything about the forest, the trees, leaves, underfoot, ferns, little animals etc -  I find a tree with a big hollow in it and put the 'thing' in the hollow and then in my minds eye imagine a bird coming and filling in the hole with mud to close it over and imagining the tree taking whatever "it" is into itself. . Then walk out of the forest knowing the 'thing' is gone. *

I know not everyone has a visual bent in terms of thinking style, but perhaps there are other tools that might help - if one is more auditory than visual for instance whether a particular piece of music, or the sound of thunder or something -  could be thought/played that is the cue to "take it away".

What kinds of mind stories (or other tool), could you embroider that would resonate to step through taking the unhelpful/harmful thought, experience or thing into a safe and well GONE place?

Just something to think about in case this is helpful for anyone else. I think about SH or suicide, when I am traveling really badly, facing some huge life event, or anxious beyond bearing -  but these tips have helped me enourmously to shift off the obsessive thought.

(I also do this to help me sleep if I am in a state of insomania too.)

[Appleblossom]

Oh @Crazy_Bug_Lady

You are so ... NOT a screw up ... you are a

brilliant hard working compassionate lady.

There is no need to compare yourself to some mythic concept of normal ... it does not exist.

I have often thought along the lines that suicide was a rational thing for me to do .... but it is an emotional response to stress it is not really rational ...

@MoonGal was some great ideas of how to work with SI.  I wish my SI didnt return but it is nowhere hear as constant as it used to be ...

we want to hear from you ... just as you are ... but I see you as a wonderful person and wish there were more "normals"?? just like you ...

Isolation and loneliness is hard ... Killara will help and give you joy ... and more hard work ... and agonies but those angst-ridden moments will be worth it.

[Crazy_Bug_Lady]

@Appleblossom I'm walking to work trying not to cry. At least now I've read your comment it's more happy tears than miserable ones. 💙
I've decided to stop working weekends. On top of working Monday to Friday, I also work every second or third weekend for an hour or two. Meaning on Sundays I'm working 6am-8am, then heading up to the farm for the day.
I am exhausted. And worried.
After spending so long fighting to get normal duties, today I will finally get them. But I don't know how long I can keep this up...
So I need to get the nerve up to quit weekends, and I'm gonna see about taking every second Friday off. I'm fairly certain I can do that without it affecting my work.
Wish me luck.

[NikNik]

Sending you lots of good luck vibes!

[Former-Member]

I second @MoonGal comment - what a wonderfully supportive community we have!  I'm so sorry that things are so tough for you right now @Crazy_Bug_Lady.  I think you're on to something with recognising the need to cut back at work. 

Managing a MI, any kind of illness, is draining.  Exhausting.  It's like having the bathplug slightly loose so that water (your energy) is constantly leaking out.  You can top it up with rest, self-care, nourishing hobbies, people and pets etc but it'll always be a struggle to keep the water at the right level.  

So for you to be working to keep your mood stable, thoughts of SH in check, despair under control, appointments made and kept, medications in place.......and to be working so very hard in your jobs.....it can't be sustainable.

I hope you are able to carry through with your plans to cut back.  I believe that it will help.  Keep some of that generous heart and desire to help back for yourself

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, how are you travelling?  You started this thread a little while back and I would imagine you're still in waiting pattern for your appointment.  How are things today?