Lived Experience Forum

[Cara_in_Yellow]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone has advice from experience about how to avoid dragging your friends down when dealing with chronic mental health issues.

I feel like no matter how much I try to balance my friendships by actively listening to and caring for the other person, and no matter how much I try to moderate how much I share and how much support I ask for, I always seem to end up draining my friends’ emotional energy to the point where they have to pull back. 

The only ways I’ve managed to avoid this are by having friendships where I’m the one doing the supporting and only bringing up my own experience if it’s for the other person’s benefit, or by only sharing about my struggles super infrequently (like once a year). 

It feels impossible to have a relationship where I can consistently be honest about how I’m going (even in the form of sanitised snippets) without the chronic/treatment-resistant nature of my issues being too much for the other person. And they aren’t bad people, they just don’t have the capacity to deal with how consistently hard things are. And I get it, I’m exhausted by my struggles too! 

If anyone has found a way to be in regular contact with a friend and not wear them out despite ongoing struggles I’d love advice. 

(Also, for context, I’m single, don’t have siblings, can’t trust my parents for support and can’t handle the guilt of telling my grandparents I’m struggling after all they’ve done for me, even though I know they wouldn’t want me to feel guilty.) 

[RiverSeal]

Hi @Cara_in_Yellow 

Thank you for posting here on the Forums!

It takes strength and courage to be vulnerable on the Forums about relationships we have with people. It's definitely challenging to navigate relationships and talk about our own MH with people who don't understand or know how to respond. You are not alone with this and I have had many of my own issues so I can relate to how you might be feeling. 

When I started socialising again after a period of isolation due to my MH I set up boundaries to protect myself which meant I could have social interaction. I like you didn't share my personal stories about my MH and I found that if I talk very generally about things people often don't ask questions or dig deeper. It created shallow relationships but kept me safe and connected. I have opened up about my history with some people now but I don't talk about the present if I am struggling. I also have learned to rely on professional support for my well-being and personal development with my MH. I call phone support or wait for an appointment if there is one coming up on my calendar if I need support.

I think everyone may have different experiences and some of the Forums members might be able to share theirs with you here too. The Forums are a great place to start discussions and be vulnerable in a safe space.

Thanks again for reaching out here!

Take care 

RiverSeal

[Arbie_wun]

I totally know how you feel, I recently had a good friend remove me from their life because I unknowingly added to their own mental health battles.

For a long time, we had been each other's support and assistance.  She was physically and emotionally abused by a narcissistic ex-husband and suffers from PTSD, and gets really bad anxiety as well, so much so it makes her physically unwell.

The week before she removed herself from my life she was suffering a lot of anxiety and I thought is was to do with her ex-husband and the battles they were having.  Unbeknownst to me it was in fact the pressures and troubles that I had placed on her.  That is something I didn't even know that I was doing, thanks to the nature of one of my mental health problems.

So naturally I would love to be able to fix what has happened but I know that is highly unlikely given her situation and that she will be moving in the next couple of months.

[tyme]

Hi there @Cara_in_Yellow ,

Your post showed such incredible insight. It absolutely reminds me of my former BPD life. I used to 'suffocate' people because I was so mentally/emotionally needy. People would get angry, jealous, and upset that I became co-dependent on a handful of people.

To manage this, I disconnected from people and only connected with people who needed my support. Hence, I became a carer figure. This is also not sustainable.

After years of support and treatment, I learnt o set healthy boundaries. To be honest, what you are doing (pulling back) is actually healthy in maintaining a healthy relationship. It also helps to ask clarifying questions e.g. "Is this too triggering for you?"

For me, internally, I set myself boundaries/limits so I don't drain the person e.g. When I talk to someone, I make sure I don't take up all of their time. They may be kind and say it's okay, but I don't want to wear out my welcome. So when I speak to people, I make it clear that I only have 30 mins or so. This is to protect both parties.

I hope some of this makes sense.

What do you think @Cara_in_Yellow ?

[Cara_in_Yellow]

@tyme 

That sounds VERY similar and I really appreciate the encouragement that trying to be aware and responsive to the needs of others is healthy even if it means pulling back. 

I think my main spiral was over the fact I felt like I was already doing everything I could to have boundaries and it was still not enough. 

I actually got to see my friend today and listen to how she is and she actually (unrelatedly) brought up the idea of people who take energy and people who give energy, which, I hope, will give me something to link back to sometime this week and ask what I can do to make sure I’m (mostly) the kind of person who gives her energy. 

[Cara_in_Yellow]

@RiverSeal  thank you so much for your vulnerability too. That sounds like a hard & lonely journey to have been on but also really relatable and I’m glad you’ve found something that’s working better than the old patterns. 

[tyme]

Hi there @Cara_in_Yellow ,

How are you going? I just wanted to send a bit of encouragement your way so that you know you are not alone.

Relationships can be tricky. If you can set yourself boundaries, you will protect yourself and the other people/person.

Hope you are okay. 

[Cara_in_Yellow]

@tyme 

Thanks for checking in. I’m doing a little better although the fear of being rejected is definitely still there along with the guilt of not feeling like I can exist and be in relationship with people without draining them at best and harming them at worst. It feels like the boundary has to be me hiding how I feel to protect them if I want the relationship to last. 

That said I’ve been really pleasantly surprised this week by a few people who I ended up opening up to in spite of the guilt and had encouraging conversations with even if I don’t feel like I could continue reaching out to them without sooner or later causing them to have to pull away.