@Dreamy @tyme
This is what I wrote (yes I changed out their names)
I need to be honest with someone, someone who was in no way involved with everything that happened with Delilah, who won't just make excuses that they did what was best for me or their husbands did what they thought was best. I don't think they understand how much it hurt and I hate how it was pushed under the carpet and assumed that I would get over it, that I'm a resilient and tenacious woman.
It came back to the forefront of my mind yesterday, when Charming reminded me of the hurt I was still carrying, because I find it hard to forgive people in my life who don't take responsibility, rather take pride, in things that have hurt.
It was Sunday 31st March 2024, I had called into my old place on my way to church to make sure the key was where it was meant to be.
I turned up and all the items I used regularly, all the items I delayed in packing because I had used them so frequently, they weren't in the storage unit, they were there in the skip bin.
Instead of going to church I burst into tears and regretted ever trusting my church to help me, that they're too proud for that. They could probably afford to get new mixers, new bowls, new appliances, new dish racks, replace DVDs, clothes, bedding, dishes... but I couldn't.
I tried talking to Joash and Charming at the time and they just said there was no space and they made the decision without consulting me. They thought they were doing me a favour. Instead they were digging a chasm of hurt that I am still trying to climb out of with no rope of repentance.
So when I asked Charming to help me clear out my storage unit, because that's what Joash said to do, he mentioned how much stuff I had (not that he's seen the improvement) and said that he wouldn't move it to my place unless there was space, offering space in his garage, except I don't trust him with any of my belongings.
He then mentioned the skip bin and how they had filled the storage unit and the skip bin (they hadn't filled the storage unit by the way), and I started crying, we'd discussed this a year ago, again with no responsibility, just dismissing me for how they saw my life.
No one has taken responsibility for their role in the hurt and the broken promises and commitments.
Do you know how many times I was told I could have a mattress on their floor? Or stay in their caravan? Every week. Then I would get a call and they would say "we think it would be more comfortable for you if you stayed where you are" or "we're not comfortable having you"
Another broken promise, another empty claim, another pitchfork to my heart.
I don't think they realise how close they came to losing me. How the lack of apology and responsibility and follow through did so much damage.
And when I've tried to talk about it, I get shut down and just more excuses.
I like my clutter, I feel safe with clutter, I have since I was 11 years old when I started barricading my door with it so I would have time to hide in the corner underneath more clutter behind my bed. My therapist and I are working on this.
I need some help with this, whether it's me finding forgiveness or them taking responsibility and apologising, I don't know.
