Emotional Loneliness

[Whaledone321]

Hi everyone

I've been dealing with loneliness for much of my life. I've always had close friends and family who I am in regular contact with and often attend social events. I am married with 2 kids and have a very supportive wife. I still feel constantly lonely.

I have always felt this way going back to when I was a child and I've never understood why. I've been in therapy for many years and have been consistently attending appointments for the past 18 months or so. Recently we have been digging into my past trying to find out why I feel this way. It has lead to reliving traumatic experiences of abuse and emotional neglect as a child which has worsened my depression. After discussing these experiences with my psychologist I feel so alone and vulnerable once the appointments are over and I'm left to deal with the memories myself with no one to talk to until my next appointment and I'm finding it very difficult to cope alone.

I've used spaces like this often over the years to help feel a sense of belonging but it just doesn't replace the comfort of having someone I can talk to one on one. There's just so many things I can talk to strangers about either online or to professionals but I'm unable to open up to friends and family. I don't know if that's because I feel shame, embarrassed, or I don't want to burden them with my problems. I feel like it's been this way for far too long and if I suddenly open up everyone will realise I'm a completely different person than who they know me as and it may change my relationships. I've been putting on the mask for so long it's impossible to take it off now.

Appointments are taking a financial strain and I feel guilt for taking that money away from my family as well.

I feel lost and alone and that there's noway out of this.

[Ru-bee]

Hey @Whaledone321 

I'm hearing how isolating and lonely this experience has been for you. It's great that you are able to connect on spaces like this, and that you've been able to get more formal supports as well, but not being able to speak to those around you about what you're going through would be very hard. 

I wonder how you would feel if the situation was reversed and you had a loved one open up to you about the difficulties they'd been going through?

I also wonder if any community members have been through this experience and may be able to share what their experience of lowering their mask was like. It would be great to hear any experiences like this.

[FearofUnknown]

I can relate to you @Whaledone321 @ saying that you put on a mask because you don't want your Loved Ones seeing you as more sick than you already are. I do this "masking" especially in front of my Younger sister's partner because I fear that he will disrespect me if he finds out I am sick with Mental Illnesses. I know it is unhealthy and worsening to my condition but I am too afraid to just be myself and essentially ignore his presence

Do you "mask" in front of certain peoples too?

[Whaledone321]

Hey @FearofUnknown thank you for your reply.

I feel like I have different masks depending on who I am with, it's not just particular people. If it's with my wife I wear a mask to stop her worrying about me any more than she already does. With friends I wear a mask that I am happy and nothing is wrong. At the shops I wear a mask to look normal like I'm not terrified or on the verge of a panic attack.

I can take the mask off in communities like here or with professionals to a certain degree. I have also had situations where I try to be who I think people want me to be just so I feel wanted, valuable and like I belong, but the fulfilment of trying to be someone else never lasts.

I think I'm afraid to be myself as well and I think I've spent so long trying to fit in throughout my life that I don't really know exactly who I am. 

[Whaledone321]

Hi @Ru-bee thanks for replying.

If the situation was reversed I would definitely want them to feel comfortable opening up to me. 

I don't know how to tell my wife that I feel so alone. I don't know how to explain that I'm lonely but it's not because of her. I just don't feel I belong anywhere I go. 

I'm working closely with my psychologist on accepting myself for who I am but at the same time I think I need to discover exactly who I am. Wearing so many masks over the years I think I lost who I am a long time ago. Once I find myself, hopefully it will be easier sharing and opening up and I won't feel so alone and isolated or the need to pretend just to fit in and belong.