Inner Monologues

[RabbitFeb]

My inner monologue (voice in my head) talks all day. It's always been this way for as long as l can remember. Unfortunately since my BPD/CPTSD diagnosis about 2 years ago, the inner monologues focus has been on Mental Health unless I am hyper focussed on something unrelated (Co morbid adhd), however inevitably the hyper focus wears off and the inner monologue goes back to MH. My inner monologue is so strong, I can think about MH issues whilst reading a book aloud and maintaining a discussion with someone else. At times, the inner monologue raises intense emotion within me, shutting me off from the external world entirely. Further all my spare time is used up reading about MH things or alternatively, trying to do things to improve my MH eg meditation, during which I get constantly bouts of itchiness and nausea (that's the trauma part). 

The thoughts didn't start off distressing to me, but they became distressing over time in part because of the impact this obsession has had on my life.  I have been trying with mindfulness for two year to quell this. It hasn't worked and I fell into a deep depression in May this year as a result. I see both a psychiatrist and a psychologist. Today, I am struggling with hope this will improve as meds don't seem to be making a difference and I am beginning to fear that by continuing to do all the MH things, I am inadvertently fuelling the fire. I suspect my comorbid adhd is also a factor.

I am wondering if anyone has any guidance or just would like to share a bit about the frequency of their own inner monologue to help me gauge a bit how 'normal' this is. 

[RiverSeal]

Hey @RabbitFeb, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!

It sounds like you have been going through a lot and for a long time. You are demonstrating your resilience and strength by reaching out to your peers here on the Forums. It can take courage to be vulnerable with other people who you don't know.

My lived experience is hearing voices and delusions so there are some similarities perhaps with an inner monologue. I definitely have intrusive thoughts so that is also similar in some respects. I have found that continued supports like with a psychologist, recovery coach, exercise physiologist, and music therapist have really helped me. I have also been studying for 7 years which has enabled me to create a pathway into meaningful work using my lived experience. 

I take medications every day and try and maintain a healthy lifestyle and physical and mental wellbeing. I socialise with people I have met at TAFE and work which keeps me connected and I am also trying to exercise regularly. All these things help me stay well and not get too caught up in my past or let my mental health get affected too much.

What do you do to cope with what you experience on a day-to-day basis? 

I hope sharing my experiences and recovery journey gives some perspective on what other people are going through. Happy to answer any questions you might have!

Take care 

RiverSeal 

[Doog]

@RabbitFeb Hiya. Your description could be my own story. BP. OCD. ASD. BPD, ADHD... All diagnosed 5 years back. For many hours (read varying 8-18hr) my inner monologue would rage, insidious comments, derogatory comments, pondering... I would spend hours everyday researching my varying diagnoses and reading fiction and non fiction books. I felt 'sorry for myself' and went through bouts of depression and mixed mood episodes. I worked with psychologists and psychiatrists, medications and a list of 'interventions'. Healthy eating, routines, gratitude, journals, walking, meditation...

Now, five years later, I still get the negative self chatter, but usually only on 15-20 occasions a day. For maybe a total of 30mins total and I'm now learning to acknowledge them and move on. At best! Some days it's worse. But not so often. But things change. What's 'worked? Practising my interventions on 'good' days so that on 'bad' days they are more automatic. Mindfulness meditation to teach me how to let go of negative thoughts and chatter.

Inner monologue and chatter has always been a part of my life and I wouldn't swap. At best it helps with seeing different view points and making decisions, appreciating my surroundings and many blessings. During the last five years it hasn't always worked this way, and now I'm re-learning how to use it in a positive way.

I look forward to comments that come from the forum, and I thank you for starting the thread.

[RabbitFeb]

Thanks for this reply @RiverSeal RiverSeal and sharing your experience.

Day to day, I journal, maintain a exercise schedule, make sure I eat and shower, set alarms to check in with myself whether I am doing what I am supposed to or have inadvertently gotten side tracked with my MH obsessions again and make sure I give myself distractions, so time in fantasy worlds in my head or time watching TV.

I am currently experimenting with scheduling daily time to indulge my obsessive thinking but it's honestly gone quite poorly (it is easier when the adhd meds are in effect and near impossible when they aren't). I want to work on social connections, unfortunately my relationships are suffering from lack of attention/interest/presence and I sincerely regret this.

I am persisting with trying, but when your brain is talking to itself about something entirely unrelated to what you're doing all day, it's exhausting and some days I find myself thinking "what I would give to shut this up"

[RabbitFeb]

Thanks @Doog @ for taking the time to reply and sharing your experience. Yes, the jump from "generalised anxiety" to alphabet soup when you finally invest in getting a proper diagnosis is real!

Thanks for sharing, it is encouraging to read it can improve over time.

Do you have any tips for the thoughts geared towards shaming you? They seem to carry the most sting, if my brain taps on about MH ideas generally that is annoying but not distressing to me, thoughts about past events are incredibly easily to get stuck in.

[Just]

Hi, I liked what you said.