Feel very honoured to be here, and sharing the start of my story. Thank you for reading.
As a woman in her 50th year of life, I am now able / supported / aware enough of the impact my childhood experiences have had on my development of self / self-worth / self-love, my capacity to self-regulate feelings of overwhelm, my journey with anxiety and depression, and right now, my current physiological reactions when out in my community that have spearheaded this latest round of 'trying to work myself out'.
My dad lived with unmanaged Bipolar Disorder, and used alcohol and drugs to numb his pain. This reality had devastating impacts on me in my childhood: I was shamed and humiliated in front of other people; consistently told I needed to change; was always at risk of being targeted verbally and emotionally in the weirdest of ways; never felt safe around him. I was also an only child. My mum was always present, hovering, but couldn't prevent his behaviour, even if she moderated it at times.
I 'adapted' by - on the one hand - excelling at school, being a 'good girl', people pleasing, being expert at reading people's emotions and supporting others, and on the other hand -rebelling through activism, fighting for other people's rights, and feeling feelings of rage so strong I worried/worry myself at times. I also really suffered from periods of clinical depression, and constant anxiety -the later preventing me for. speaking up at times through my voice freezing / shaking / heart beating out of my chest. At times I have felt unbearably self conscious.
My current steps on my recovery journey are embarking on an EMDR journey, exploring an Al-Alon community through meetings, and this forum and community of people with lived experience.
My hope is to finally feel free from fear, anger and confusion.
Thank you for reading my words. I look forward to reading yours.
