Lived Experience Forum

[Rome]

Go see mom

[PeppiPatty]

Wow @Sehnsucht

I just found this message that you sent. Thankyou so much for giving me kudos on bringing up the Alic Miller quote on depression being the inability to grieve. 

I was actually trying to find @chookmojo to say hi to her. 

@chookmojo I think about you. It's great to see you. 

Please stay in touch @Sehnsucht. I am grieving all the time too...

I'm over my Mum's .................... ( fill that space with whatever activity you can think of. Like

Shenaghanswill  

silly billy behaviour

PP

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @pip

wow. I'm reading your hearfelt message and that wonderful song "Bakers Hill," comes on the radio. 

hits me hard. then waves over my heart. Goes inside my chest.

When my Grandmother died, my Mum in her own.....weird way apologised that she has made decisions about her life that did'nt include me and she regrets it. Then she said the other problem was that I am more attractive than her. 

Me in my opshop clothes and overalls and t-shirts......uncombed hair. Forgetful. Medicated. Always say the wrong thing. Always grieving. Whats looks got to do with it? 

I can't even know how to address what you have been through....my darling lady, thankyou for writing to me, I'm here thinking about your strength and courage.

I love how you live your life right now. I don't have many friends but on the other hand, am loved by friends. But cannot think of one I could go to if my home was unavailable for a night. 

Thankyou for you message, PP

[pip]

@PP. Just as a matter of interest. If you were ever in need in Qld, my door would be open. I don't know you personally, but unknown friends are just that, friends you have yet to meet and unite with. I have a bf, platonic, have just had words with him, but because of our love and mutual respect for each other, we are still 'there'. He is a recovering alcoholic as I am, he's just 'smacked' me symbolically speaking. I 'turned' on him, he expected it, but because I love him and know he loves me, it's forgotten, the page has turned. Clothes are nothing, people matter. If you were in 'rags' I would still 'be there'. I think what your mother is trying to say is, her 'jealousy' is because of your personality, which is beautiful. Attraction is personality first, clothing 2nd. You could dress like a model, but if your personality was 'skin deep', your clothes would be ill-fitting.

[BlueBay]

Hey @PeppiPatty

Oh i so know what you mean - your description of depression is so much like my description.  I know how you are feeling.

Hugs to you xxxoo

[BlueBay]

To me depression feels like - stuck in a dark deep hole. And each time i try to climb up something happens and I fall right back down.  Its a struggle to get back up.

Feelings of abandonment, no love for me from my parents at all, siblings. 

Sad, hopeless, helpless, emotional, angry, grief, loss, abandonment, stuck, fight, scared, dark, vulnerable, powerless, so alone.

[PeppiPatty]

@pip

lol....WE think that same. Im on the phone to my dearest friend in the world. I've never been into alcohol or drug addiction .....somehow....long time ago......I was a teenager and I was sheltered and cared for by many dtigmatized bpeople in the community..

I'm noticing though @pip the older I get I get more affected with grr when I get tired. My poor husband takes a bit of flack. He smoked 3 packets of cigars this week....I've been very tired from working cleaning houses and just......been just having little spurts of tantrums and then I choose to just apologise profusely. Late last night, he went to the petrol station and buy me a big packet of peanut M&Ms ( my favourite). I was so tired and stressed and I chose to step back and just acknowledge how hard he was working at keeping me calm. I felt the luckiest woman in the world. 

Why has the page turned @pip ?

PP

[PeppiPatty]

DEarest @BlueBay

I think I started this thread thinking of you and me actually.

Can you remind me of your relationship with your brothers and sisters? 

PP

[BlueBay]

Hi @PeppiPatty

My relationship with my siblings is zero except for one sister.  She will call me maybe 3 times a year.  If i don't contact her she will NOT call me.  I feel so angry with this but I am sick of calling all the time.

Relationship with parents, not sure if you remember is ZERO.

[pip]

@PP. The page 'turned' because the past can't be changed. We learn constantly from mistakes. Sometimes/often mistakes are repeated, pages keep turning though because the next page symbolizes a new day, hopefully new beginning. My bf knows, understands and trusts me enough to 'hang' in there. Many times he could've walked away, he never has and never will. He has told me many times, he loves my strength, willpower and determination. Through me, he has learned to forgive and he has also learned strength We have had a few disagreements, but I need him and he needs me. He needs me to encourage him with computer headaches, emails, patience. Men are not really known for patience, although he has incredible patience. He was my mentor on another forum. After I left the other forum, our relationship changed and he admitted he loves me. When I left my hubby, my bf was the one who was 'there' he didn't tell me to leave or stay, he just helped me work through where I was in my emotions. I need his support for alcohol addiction and I need the love he gives so freely and the non-judgement. I have been sober now for 4 months apart from a back-step recently. I love him so much and knowing he is there and returns my love is wonderful after being rejected by ex hubby, ex in-laws. In-laws freely abused and put me down whenever they liked with hubby's knowledge. My bf I'll call him G. was absolutely disgusted by my ex's treatment and the knowledge of how his family treated me. G. was the one who symbolically 'picked' me up when I attempted suicide, he listened when I cried. He never judged my ex, just advised me. I am so lucky to have this man in my life.