Lived Experience Forum

[Mummytotwo]

Hi, I have just joined this site after speaking with my social worker today at a very low point in my life for the last year and a half. I recently left a very serious domestic voilent marriage (19 years), I have two children, and only one lives with me after I kicked my oldest out for also hitting me after I left my now ex husband. My ex was very abusive to where he would hit me, throw me up against walls, threaten me with knives and to cut my throat, rape me, and emotionally, physically and mentally control me to what I wore, how I had my hair cut and coloured and where I went and with who. Since leaving him a year and a half ago the controlling hasn't stopped, neither has the abusive text messages, but him hitting me has as I am no longer in his house for him to fully control me.I have had to learn to cope on my own and have been told by my physcoligist and phyciatrist that I have Clinical PTSD, Agraphobia, Aniexty, Depression, and suffer from not being able to leave my own home to complete my daily tasks as I am scared of running into him (he lives 10 - 15mins away). I am wanting to leave Brisbane and move up North to where I will feel safer then I do at present with living so close to him and him being able to spy on me and watch my house ... I am not sure where to go or who to turn to for advice, and because none of my family know the real reasoning why we parted and went out seperate ways I feel like I can't talk to them, because if they find out what my ex did to me and put me through for so long I am scared they will think negitive things about me.

[Appleblossom]

That partner treated you in a horrific way and was a dreadful role model for your son.

I am glad that you finally made the move out of the house and hope you get to go to a suburb that is safer soon.

In the meant-time rally your resources and bunker in to keep you safe and the younger one. 

It is important as a mother to put limits on the behaviour of growing boys.  I have had to do it but not had to deal with anything like you have described.  My hope is that your son wakes up to himself and returns and develops some respect.

There are others like @Former-Member who have experienced domestic violence and had recent break ups. 

Gentleigh Bentleigh with you.  It is a hard road to recovery but definitely worthwhile and POSSIBLE.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mummytotwo

welcome to the forums, i'm glad that you are here and have survived such an awful situation with your ex. Sometimes I think that It's so much harder in some ways being 'out' of the relationship because you have no more control or knowledge about where the ex is and what they're up to/doing now... But you do slowly start to take charge of you life again. I think alot of people expect you to be kind of instantly 'better' or that things are just all fine after you leave an abusive ex but its so much harder than that (well i found that anyways!) Starting again, working out how to live and make decisions again was really hard for me! Even just choosing what to have for dinner was not a decision i'd been allowed to make for such a long time that basic things like that were difficult for a while. 

I have a restraining order out against my ex and went through trial/court etc. It might be worth seeing if you can get a restraining order? I found the RESPECT website and online chat to be the most helpful and non judgemental service to use when i was going through a lot of the trial/court stuff. As well as having my psychologist and dv services/victim support services help through that stuff. I've also moved further away and do feel a bit 'safer' in that i dont usually see him around here (Though he's here often enough anyway!).

My seperation was kind of public because of who he was in the community (it was in the papers/online within hours of his initial arrest) so everyone 'knew'. he also told a lot of people about things, and told them that i'd made everythign up, that i was this and that etc. I constantly worried about what other people thought, worried about who's 'side' people would be on etc. but for the most part the people who approached me were caring and kind. There were some uncomfortable situations so i can understand your reluctance, but i would say by not telling at least some people, you're possibly denying yourself some much needed support. The people i was most worried about finding out were probably my boss and collegues but they actually rallied around me and helped me out so much, i didnt feel like they thought less of me, and actually most people who said anything said they couldnt believe how strong i was etc. (not that i felt likei was being strong at all at the time!)

anyways! I'm glad you have found the forums here, there are so many (unfortunately) who have been through similar experiences. If you contact 1800 RESPECT or have a look online they will also be able to help with local referrals. you may also be able to get some support from victim support services in your state.

LJ

[Mummytotwo]

Hi LJ.<br>Thankyou for your reply and to you also Appleblossum. <br>Leaving my ex was hard and even though I put up with a lot from him, him holding a weapon to my throat and threatening to cut ot was the last straw for me esp when my now 12 year old saw it all take place. My kids saw way to much between him and I, and I currently have my youngest seeing a phyysciogist because he also suffers from aniexty and speration aniexty.<br>I today myself try and live as best I can and try and "be normal", but I find even trying to shower takes effort and even eating. I use to weigh 95 kg when I left him and now weigh 75 kg. He has put me through hell and still continues to do so, I have thought about a restraining order but he has always told me if I bother to get one he will still get me regardless of it or not. I have tried on several occasionals to end my life because I feel and he has made me feel so worthless in life, and made me believe I am at fault for everything that he did to me.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mummytotwo

At least with a restraining order he can actually be locked up... and you will be.. or i think its likely that there may be more support available to both you and your son to help you keep safe from him. It might be worth looking into.

I think we get trained to see ourselves as they do, to treat ourselves how they treat us. I believed that it was all me too, that if i was better at keeping house and was able to cook better that things would have been ok. if i was a better mum and my first bub hadnt cried so much he wouldt have been so on edge etc but slowly i had to get stronger and start thinking for my kids. Started working on my own stuff for me... and my kids. I think i also exected for a long time that my ex would 'see' that he was wrong, and i was waiting and waiting for a sorry from him... but i think he will ALWAYS believe that everything was my fault. but... 

I've also tried to take my own life because of everything.. i find myself feeling so low and worthless at times still. However your son (and my kids) need us to be strong because they need us to protect them and show them that we can survive and so can they.

hugs

lj

[Former-Member]

Hi @Mummytotwo  I am so glad you that were able to break away from you ex.  It would be a great idea if you could move further away from him, so that you don't risk the chance of bumping into him.  It must feel awful thinking that he could be watching you.  Are you able to move further away, where he doesn't know where you are?  What about changing your phone number, so he can't text you?  

Is there anyone that could help you make the move?  I just re read your message and saw that you have PTSD, Agoraphobia, Anxiety, Depresssion, so it sounds like you will need someone to help you do that.  Did the social worker suggest anyone?  I have been in an emotional/physical abusive relationship many years ago and still struggle with the same things as you do.  I am alot better now though and have a good psychologist who is helping me recover.  

Good on you for making the break, not only for yourself, but for your child.  

[Mummytotwo]

I am wanting to move away up North from Briabane but I'm not sure what the current law is in place with me moving so far away from his as we have no custody order in place or parenting agreements etc. So another words he just see's our 12 year old when it suits him which has been nearly 4 months now. He was an alcoholic when I was with him consuming 2 cartons of beer a week, but now he consumes 4. He recently got fired from his job for failing a alcohol and drug test also. Everytime my 12 year old doesn't want to go over and stay with him for the w/end I get blamed for "keeping our son away from him" and he tells me I am brain washing him into "hating" his father.which is far from the truth. For years I have wanted to get a restraining order out on him but he has always told me "nothing will stop him getting to me" if he wants to get me and after all the physical, emotional, and mental abuse I suffered at the hands of him I believe he will stop at nothing. I have changed my number several times but he runs to his solicitor and whinges at them so then I have to give him my number so he can arrange with me to have contact with our son and or arrange a weekend to spend with him.

[Former-Member]

Can your social worker help you in deciding what you want to do? Or can she/he refer you to someone? Sounds like you really need support. Keep chatting on here too, if it helps @Mummytotwo 😊

What do you do during the days? Any hobbies, interests?
I have a daughter. I'm trying to find my interests, I've been unwell for a long time.
I have things I'd like to do, but I need to get well to achieve them. 😀

I have to get moving now. I'll probably be on later though. 🌷🌸🌹🌻🌼

[Mummytotwo]

I am currently in touch with a centrelink social worker who has helped me with a lot of paperwork regarding them and their 50 million questions.
I also have dyslexia so understanding their letters etc are hard to deal with.
I have another social worker also through relationships australia who is usless and offers no kind of support groups or anything, she is mainly about "talking my problems through", which I am really tired of doing weekly.
I use to have hobbies and interests but all of that was taken away from me when my ex husband controlled my life and my where abouts ... even catching up with friends wasn't allowed by his terms or even having a life so after so long I have lost all faith into starting anything new or interesting because I feel its selfish of me to "enjoy myself".
I also use to work 4 days a week as a cleaner but he stopped that also due to me "leaving the house as I was never allowed" as he installed security cameras through out the house inside and out to monitor my movements and who would visit etc and was able to live stream at anytime of the day/night to see what I was doing while he was working away abroad. So I really felt like a prisioner in my own home and life. This is prob why I have so many mental health conditions.

[Sahara]

Hi @Mummytotwo,

it is so saddening to hear everything you have been through. You are very brave to leave your ex. I do think that if you took out a restraining order against him, then your ex's solicitor would no longer be able to demand your new phone number. You may have to submit copies of the abusive text messages your ex has sent to you as evidence.

If he breeches the restraining order, then I agree with @Former-Member; I think he could be locked up for this? And then perhaps he will have less rights with regards to your 12 year old son? I think you need some legal advice and practical help with all this.  Can the centerlink social worker help you make contact with he resources you need? Please don't give up... you have come so far. 

As for telling your family.... I believe that it will be a relief for you, if you could do this. Perhaps you don't need to go into details about the extent of the abuse. But if only they knew the truth, wouldn't they offer you some support and comfort?