Lived Experience Forum

[Lovechild]

I feel like my whole life is crashing down I honestly don't know what to do anymore I feel so lost, I recently stop talking to my parents because they have a herion addiction and theyve been like this since I was kid they've been stealing off me and lying to me over the last 15 years of my life I don't have any other family but them, any family we use to have contact with my parents cut them off years ago so I lost contact with them I was only kid I'm now in my 20's, recently I've been feeling so depressed and anxious I've been having the worst thoughts, my partner moved in with me recently and it hasn't been going well at all, I do things to annoy him but I dont do things to annoy him intentionally if he comes home from work and the house isn't the he wants it I get abused and called every name under the sun, not all the time but most times lately his getting violent and putting his hands on me, I honestly dont know what's worse the emotion abuse or the physical I hate being called a s**t and a useless C**t it plays on me mind so much when he tells me these things i start to believe what his saying because i already hate myself I already feel so useless and so alone and it's weird the more he pushes me the more I clinge on because I am so inlove with him I so badly want to make him happy I really want to be good enough i wish I could change everything about myself so I could be better, dealing with depression and anxiety everyday then when things go bad in my life I really can't handle it I feel lost I don't know what to do with myself I just want to curl up and go to sleep forever, I wish I didn't have these thoughts and I really wish things were different in my life, I love so many people that don't love me back I often feel like no one would even care if I was gone no one would even notice, and people would probably be happier. I'm a constant failure

[Former-Member]

Oh, goodness. @Lovechild, that sounds horrible. Have you spoken to anyone about this before?

[Kurra]

Hi @Lovechild

Putting aside your depression and anxiety for the moment what you are experiencing is Domestic Violence. If you go to this link https://www.1800respect.org.au you will be able to speak to someone on the phone or online who can help you with this stuff. I hope you can find the courage to follow this suggestion through. No it's not easy but it does help.

With respect to your difficult childhood it would be a good idea to make an appointment with your GP and talk about these things in your past because this will be contributing to your depression and anxiety. Your GP can arrange a Medicare Mental Health Plan so you can see a psychologist on Medicare. I think you'll find this very helpful.

At the moment do you feel you are safe from your own thoughts? I urge you to contact lifeline on 13 11 14. They also have an online chat helpline https://www.lifeline.org.au/get-help/online-services/online-services-overview

I'm so happy you've joined us here. We are here to help you as much as we can and in turn you will be able to help us.

Please act on the suggestions above and take care. Hugzzz 💕

[pip]

Hi @Lovechild. Echoing Kurra, domestic violence is rampant here. Your bf has no right to abuse either physically or emotionally, no-one has that right. it sounds as though you've gone from one domestic problem to another because no-one has guided you in the right direction. Are your parents physically violent toward each other? Often when we grow up in abusive home lives, we think it's the only way to live. Your self-hate is because you have been made to feel worthless anyway, before he came on the scene. Is there some way you could remove yourself from this abuse and get some help. The things you do that annoy your partner are not your fault. Because you've never been shown any other way. We all want to be loved and appreciated, you are no different. Perhaps a visit to your Dr and referral to a therapist for a start. Normally I would also suggest counselling for you and partner, but from what you say, I doubt he'd want to go to counselling. A therapist would be able to give you positive thoughts about what you want to achieve in your life. You say you love this person you live with, may I ask why? I would never put up with what you think is 'his right'. You need to learn to love and value yourself. You are no failure, no-one is. You need help to break the cycle you live in, that's not failing, that shows strength to admit you need help. People who close their eyes and pretend it's not happening are failing themselves.

[utopia]

@Lovechild. You are not to blame for your partners treatment of you. It wouldn't matter what you did - it wouldn't be enough - because he can't be satisfied - he can't be fixed by your love or anyone elses. He is violent. He has the problem - not you.
Yiu can love someone but that doesn't mean you should be with them. If it's not a healthy relationship - then leave him. Please don't stay. The longer you stay - the harder it will be to leave.
@Kurra has given you some good contacts fir DV.
You have had a hard childhood, but it soundslike you did the best thing for yiu by ccutting ties with your parents. Although that wouldn't have been easy.
You have suffered trauma in your life. Can you go and see your gp and ask for a referral for the medicare funded mental health plan where you can see a psychologist. Ask your gp to recommend one who specialises in trauma. A psychologist will help you work out who you are and help you to grow stronger and recognise that you are not to blame for any if this.
I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @Lovechild

I would urge you to contact the domestic violence support service @Kurra has suggested above,  you have already indicated in your post above that you understand this situation is wrong for you and that your welfare is in danger.  It can be really hard to break free from someone who is abusing you when you have genuine feelings for them, but this is not good for your bf's character either .... this cycle needs to be interrupted and replaced with a healthy one .... for the sake of both of you .... 

You are not alone here .... and please keep posting ....

You will not be managing alone wit the DV support services walking you through the changes either.

Well done ❣ You are being so brave to speak out against your DV situation .... and now you need to take the follow-through action to keep yourself safe ....

🌷💜

[Former-Member]

Hi @Lovechild, form an action plan to escape your situation. Its hard to run away from what feels like all you have, but... Please try get into a women's shelter and start a new life. They will help you, you need to take the steps, we will be here for you. Sounds daunting but one step fwd a day. This man will only make you feel more and more powerless, what a scumbag. You deserve so much more. There's a lot of help / funding out there now for you. You it. Big hugzz

[Former-Member]

Oh no @shaz, are you a birthday suit girl? Better not answer the door in that lol

[Former-Member]

Oops, sorry. Posted in the wrong place