Lived Experience Forum

[MrAlias550]

Hi Everybody I am MrAlias,

Have been a long time lurker but never brave enough to post until now. MrsAlias has been pressuring me to get help for over a year now, but it has never been high on my priority list. As I mentioned, I have been observing this forum for a while now; but I am yet to find anything similar.

My goal is to see a doctor and posting here seems like a logical step to achieving this. Aside from my wife, I have never told anybody about what I am going through. Even though it has been effecting my prospects of a promotion at work for years (among other things).

As you may have guessed I am not very good with the whole people thing, so with the help of MrsAlias, we have prepared a list of symptoms which I am going to take with me to my doctors appointment. When ever I gather up the courage to book one... I have been like this for a good four years now.

*Difficulty expressing emotions
*Cold hearted and uncompassionate
*Gets overly angry with people who are rude to MrsAlias or myself
*Get overly angry with myself when I stuff up
*Suicidal thoughts (almost attempted once but i was arrested before i could follow through with it)
*Unforgiving, holds grudges (against people who are rude or mean to my wife or me)
*Distrusts people (colligues and strangers alike)
*No friends
*No interest in socialising or making friends (even with family)
*Prefer to be alone
*Anxious bordering panic attack when in large crowds like a shopping center

So yeah what do you think?.. Nice to meet you all.

MrAlias

[TAB]

..are these thoughts yours or of others close to you @MrAlias550 re personality 'traits' ?? Mrs Alias is probably a better friend than you are giving her credit for, and paanic attacks can be a bugger and hopefully that doesn't happen too often, I had major one , as in literally was going to like 'drown' if I didn't get off bus at that minute,  and have been depressed for large parts of last few decades but I still muddle along and find occasional joy. and, no, killing self probably not the best thing to do, it's very selfish, re Mrs Alias,  kids etc ..Ring Lifeline please if you are thinking that way

[Former-Member]

Hi Mr Alias 

I have no answers for you but can relate to you as many of the concerns you raised about yourself are my own,and after three-four years of counselling, I still have issues like anger,and prefer to be alone etc.I am a female so I can't just say your problem is a man issue as life experiences contribute to these problems.I suggest you find a good psychologist or doctor, involving your wife on your decision in this is up to you.It is scary when you feel you have no control over your life,and I walked out on a job 4 years ago because I didn't have the energy to put up with the "crap behavior of people.I too have had suicidal thoughts constantly,still do and don't want anything to do with friends or family.I am one who cannot forgive or forget and it eats me up inside.

I have been through many downs and shut myself away due to the impact of mental health.I come from a small town .Yesterday I had to avoid a old gossiping women who agitates me just looking at her because she is nothing but a nosy old *****! .I have learned through my experiences who is genuine and who isn't.Everytime I have seen this person she has been very rude and yesterday everytime I passed her in the supermarket she was gawking at me.I had just finished at the self serve checkout and picked my bags up when she was right behind me and asked " and where are you now?".I told her it was none of her business which the old thing told me to not get angry to which I replied"my life is no one's business!".This  may seem minor to people who reads this but I walk away so angry I don't know what to do with myself and have bad thoughts towards that pathetic old women.I am a very private person , had nothing gone  right for me and just trying to keep myself safe from myself is a everyday effort.I have not got the energy for people  including family.To me people just cannot wait to put me down.

I guess what I have to say is if you are scared about the impact your issues are having on your life which is why you wrote on the forum site  you need to decide how to avoid it impacting anymore on your life.If you love your wife and  feel these concerns are threatening your marriage, don't feel afraid to get help.I never married and met someone to spend my life with.Dealing with problems isn't easy and they never go away but can can suffocate and destroy you if you don't.

[TAB]

Not going to buy into that, except to say there is a familiar tone..and ple ease don't judge strangers so readily, they are more likely to be nice, and prob a cheap shot, but it could have been my mother, who is a very nice woman, well a Saint perhaps.. and.. when are you going back to the supermarket? how do you feel about that? well re small town wtc .. could it have gone differently re interaction ?..Sure you will work it out @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

In response to this ,this women was no stranger .I went to school with her kids,worked with her in a factory and have continued issues with her.For example, when I walked into the supermarket when I first got mentally ill "aren't you working today?" or sitting at a cafe she commented on how my mother was eating too much of a big meal.
I should not have to explain or justify my life to anyone.The supermarket was in another town.I prefer strangers to people I know besides those I know are genuine because they know nothing about you and aren't judgemental.What I was trying to describe to Mr Alias is how we internalize problems....sometimes aren't ours but we let eat away at us.

[Former-Member]

As well I mind my own business too busy surviving,and expect the same.I highly value respect and privacy from what I have gone through.

[TAB]

okay so she was nasty towards you then sorry that she was like that @Former-Member  and thanks for the clarification. Yes living in a small country town can seem like a minefield at times. Glad I left years ago

[TAB]

that may be difficult in a small country town where old school people who have known of you from Day Dot are .. just a thought @Former-Member  hope you have a better day today

[Former-Member]

Thank you .I have the same issues as Mr Alias like anger,unforgiving and it eats away at me.I keep to myself and as mentioned in this site worked 5.5 hours on Thursday,first time in 4 years since my life went down the toilet due to the anxiety and depression..After incidents like yesterday I now have my depression today.All because I got stressed over a pathetic old women who thinks it's okay to p*** me off because she's got nothing better to do than stick her nose into  people's private life.Whoever follows this give advice to Mr Alias that might help us all.🐺It sounds like Mr Alias has a plan and knows what to do as he has provided a answer at the same time.Going to the doctor,finding the right help and accepting the support of your wife.At the end of the day people come and go in your life,and the relationship between you and your wife is the foundation for a happy life.Its a start.

[Former-Member]

Hi MrAlias,
I am new also and like you, I joined after researching the place and have received some really good advice.
Are you of retirement age?. Or nearly? I ask this because your symptoms matched up with my dad when he left work at 55. Normally a driven and chatty guy, he changed just like you over a few years. My mum suffering Menopause symptoms dragged him to the Dr's convinced he had male menopause as they were fighting like cats and dogs and she threatened divorce if he did not seek help. At 57 the doctor diagnosed him with Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder, plus onset Diabetes which didn't help. Dr said it was very commen. Men can be affected much more than women because they feel useless. My dad was a welfare worker who helped homeless and Alcoholic men. Everyone loved him. 2 yrs after Retirement he did not want to go anywhere. Did not care about if his shirt had gravy on it and rarely shaved. Mum was so upset. They were suppose to travel. He had no interest , preferring to hang out in the garden and avoid us. Anti depressants were given and was recommended to see a therapist. He didn't. And also stopped tablets as well.
I'm not sure if this is what you have. But i would get a dr to check for Diabetes and anything else. I hope you and your wife can get some answers and let us know how you are doing.
Cheers.