Lived Experience Forum

[Ayet]

Hi, I have decided to join to this forum as I am suffering from Anxiety disorder at the moment. I was diagnosed back in 2004 with Panic Attacks/anxiety disorder. It all started when I was pregnant with my eldest as it was getting closer to giving birth I found myself worrying about what if I ended up like my mother. I was physically and emotionally abuse by my mother since I can remember til high school. I think I had my first attack at the hospital after giving birth in April 2003 when my husband was taking me home and our baby. I got really scared. What if I hit her, what if I yell at her, what if I am a bad mother like my mother. I can't get out of the house or even step my foot at the door. I kept my feelings anxious all the time to my husband and kept telling myself I am not crazy. When people we knew then notice my behaviour I sometimes mentioned to them a bit of my problem. I was just told it was just my hormones. November 2003 I went back to Philippines to show our daughter family back there. I was struggling to go out to visit other family. I get so anxious. I knew that there is really something wrong to me. A day after coming back to Australia I told my husband about it and seen the my GP straight away. January 2004 my doctor told me I have Panic Attacks/Anxiety disorder. I blame myself, I blame my mother of my struggles. It was hard to explained my illness to my family back home. My family doesn't have any idea of my struggles. I was very lucky to have my husband's back. He helped me with my struggles. He encouraged me. He supported me. He was there for me in every tears. I was put to two medications, many counselling. I got on with my life, for two years and I had my attacks again, my brain was in constant worrying. We planned to go on holiday back home. I was disappointed of myself I was back to zero again but thankful I have a husband who understand it all. Sadly, I lost my husband in October 2009, I was scared and don't know what to do. I cried many day and nights then I realised I have a daughter to look after and she needed me. I looked for a job to distracted myself. In 2010, My daughter and I were finally able to visit.back home. It wasn't fun holiday I was depressed coming back here. I didn't talk to my father and brother for months. I got kicked out from the house we were staying. It was my late husband's bother-in-laws house after my husband spent a lot of money upgrading hjs house and left him with big amount of money after he died. I was in constant worries where I was going to get the rent. Luckily, I found another job, little hours but.my daughter and I were managing and I was able to managed my anxiety as well. I have a very good friend who always there for me. I had another attacks back in 2012 it was bad. I wasn't able to sleep and eat my good friend took me in and looked after me for two weeks along with my daughter. I remarried again in 2013 to a Filipino and I've known since high school and had a daughter together who is now 21 months. Two weeks ago my anxiety is back, negative thoughts are keep sneeking in. I feel down all the time. My chest is tights again and I have acid reflux from it. It was all because I got two laptops for my daughter for her school (BYO). I am currently doing my diploma my laptop gave up on me so I get one for myself it was installment for three years and I work 4 days a week. I worried not able to make payments and then got worried about life , responsibilities. I am so tired of this. I had to put an extra effort getting up to work. All the pains and disappointments and those people whose done wrong to me came back. I hate myself for being stupid to let this situation get to me. I love my two children I just wanted to be well enough to go to work and provide for them. My eldest daughter has seen me like this too many times. I don't wanted to give up for them but I must admitted sometimes I think of ending it all at once. My second husband, doesn't understand my situation. I badly needed some advice. My doctor increased my medication dosage and put me in mental health plan yesterday. Can anyone be my friend here too?

[Kurra]

You'll find a lot of good friends here @Ayet. You have been going through a difficult few years.

I really want to welcome you to our very special place where everyone tries their hardest to help one another during the bad times.

It's good to hear that you've got a mental health plan because it will allow you to get the best help possible. Are you still in the Phillipines?

Your precious children will help you too. It must be a very confusing time for you. How can we help you right now? 💕

[Ayet]

Thanks for the reply Kurra. I have been reading this forum for a week. I was hesitant to joined in but decided to do it. Yes, I have been struggling with this on and off for years. When it happened again I do what I have learnt from my previous counselling but everytime it happen it is a struggle to do it over again. No, I am here in Australia. (QLD). I need to talk to someone that really understant what I am going through right now and not to explain why. Sometimes, I do feel alone on this. This is my first time opening up thru forum. Any advice I will take it, to keep me away from getting scared right now.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Ayet,

I'm one of the moderators on the Forum. Welcome! And thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry to hear about the trouble you've had with you anxiety. It sounds like your husband was an incredible support for you when he was around. My deepest condolences on his passing.

So did you say your GP gave you a mental health care plan to see a psychologist? Hopefully if you are, that will be a great step in the right direction to get some help, support, strategies on managing the anxiety/panic attacks. 

There are quite a few members here who have experience with this kind of thing, hopefully they can also guide and support you in this difficult time in your life. I don't know if you've come across this thread yet... But lots of members have posted things that they find help them cope with anxiety. Maybe something on there might be helpful?

Feel free to post on here, or in the Night Shift thread if you want to have a chat about how things are going for you. The Night Shift thread is usually pretty active day or night. It's where a lot of the usual members post to check in! So please feel free to introduce yourself there too. 

[Ffm48]

It's really good to hear that you are on a Mental Health Plan, @Ayet. Reading  through the posts here, I think you might find quite a number of us have been seeing a psychologist for some years. I am working with a psychologist for more than four years and I am guessing I shall for a good many years to come. I know I shall need help to manage my PTSD, anxiety, and depression, particularly when things don't go smoothly in my life. And that's okay. We all need support.

Let us know how you go.

[Kurra]

Good morning @Ayet
We've got a beautifully sunny morning where I am near the ACT. Sunshine always makes me feel happier so I'm enjoying a coffee out in the sun in the garden. It’s a bit chilly still but the sun warms my soul.
I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you. If you're feeling lonely this is a good place to come for a chat.
Hoping today is a good one for you and the children.
Take care. 💕☕

[Ayet]

Thank you @Former-Member for welcoming me to this forum. I missed my first husband terribly. He was my good support on my struggles. I know he is looking down on me. Yes, I am put on mental health plan but not making call yet perhaps on tuesday to book an appointment. Thanks for the link. I will check on it. I am still feeling down, trying so hard to distract myself. You know when you don't have motivation to do anything. It can be very difficult doing even a very simple task. I hope you have a better day than mine.

[Ayet]

@Ffm48, reading the posts here made me decide to joined in. I will make an appointment on tuesday. I ask for a new Psychologist this time as the last one I seen wasn't helpful at all. I hope this new Psychologist is different from the last one. Things we have to go through for our illness. I sometimes envy people who.doesn't have one but I must accept that this is part of my life and I will have an attacks in the future ahead. I am just hoping that my will to beat this illness is stronger than this illness itself. I hope you are feeling better today!

[Ayet]

Good morning @Kurra, I am happy to hear from you again. Enjoy your coffee! I woke up feeling down again but I am trying to motivate myself. I haven't started with my new modules. My concentration is poor at the moment. It is due on the 11th of this month but I can't be bother at the moment. I just need to focus on my illness at the moment and try to get my happy me back. You may have a great day! I am thinking of taking my toddler to the playground this afternoon.

[Kurra]

Hi @Ayet
Having the will to beat the illness is a huge step towards recovery. With the right professional help you will find that your will to recover is stronger than the illness.

It is often a slow process but as you continue to take responsibility for your own mental health and do everything you can to get better you will reach a point where you'll start to feel better than you are now.

It takes hard work Ayet but I have a feeling that you are not afraid of doing the hard work involved.

Keep talking to us here. Write posts to help other people feel more comfortable. You can write anywhere on the forum. Just join in any of the conversations and you'll be surprised how much helping other people helps us too.

Enjoy your beautiful family and have a better day today. 💕🎶