Lived Experience Forum

[JohnG]

Hi,

I started having depression when I was in primary school about 50 years ago. I had a really bad dose 8 years ago and since then life has been hell. I have had various melds, ECT and some more melds. I have tried relaxation, mindfulness, breathing and so on. All I appear to be doing is wrecking my partners life. When depressed I get very angry ( now to the point my partner is scared of me) and don't want to go to the hospital. Etc etc.

I am lucky that she has said she will stick with me as long as I am getting treatment. I am back in hospital as I had planned to take her out to tea and then I was going for a drive and ending it. I don't want to die I just want to get back what I once had. Depression has taken some family relationships, service club membership, jobs and my business. I know I can't get them back but I could not survive losing my partner. 

[Former-Member]

Hi @JohnG
It's great that you got help in hospital. I know it feels like defeat when you end up back in hospital but it's really just another glitch and hopefully with help and the safety of being there you'll get past this. If you're like me I know it will come back at some stage but there is life in between which is ok. My experiences of this are only of the last 5years.
I'm sorry you've had such a long hard road with depression and anxiety, you've obviously lost a great deal of things close to you. It is positive to hear that your partner is sticking by you. For me I've had to replace the dream I had of getting back to the person I once was although I've discovered she wasn't that great anyway. I'm trying to work out the person I can be now.
Keep talking here on the forums if it helps. There are many people that will share some of your experiences. Wishing you the best with your treatments. Take care💜😊

[suzanne]

Hi @JohnG, welcome to the Forums.  You are definitely in good company.  Our members understand the losses and challenges that come with MI all too well.  And lots about constructing a life based on what's real for you now.  Which is not just anger but love.  It's wonderful that your relationship is surviving the ups and down of depression and life in general.  That's no easy feat.  

It's great motivation too to try to get the most out of your hospital stay.  Perhaps you could focus on the anger as one clear area you want to make progress on.  Find new ways to direct it so that it won't undermine your relationship.  I'm sure it will help your partner maintain hope for your future.

It's great to have you here in the forums @JohnG.  There are some places to hang out and just have a chat if you feel in the mood.  The beer garden here or night shift thread here are good places to start.

Hope to see you around 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hi @JohnG

Welcome to the forums.  

Sorry to hear you have been having such a rough time of it, but great to hear also that you have a loving partner working through it all with you.  That's gold, right there .... hang on to that .....

I know your experiences are individual to you, but in general terms you are far from alone.  There are many others on this difficult trail, and you will find company and understanding along the way here .... along with some zany humour and the occasional venting ....

Look forward to hearing from you again soon.

F&H

[Former-Member]

Hi @JohnG, welcome to the forums, so glad to hear you're connecting with someone here while in hospital. I found being incarcerated in a MH ward very lonely. People within eyeshot but not connecting and needing to talk but not knowing where to start. Good for you for taking the step here. Many will link in with good feedback.
Your life probably looks like a train wreck to you at the moment but i know from experience that such a heavy stress load is crushing and the oppression or depression that oft comes from it alters our ability to see past it clearly. Hang in there, be ruthlessly honest with those assessing you - get the help you need NOW. (sorry i can be a tad bossy lol). Reassure your partner you're doing it for your relationship too, ya so lucky to have each other :). Were got your back, keep posting 🐶