Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

It sounds like you are making some really positive changes in your life and that's making room for real growth @Sahara Yes, dealing with things head on without numbing from substances does free up the mind as it strengthens it; this does help to put past hurts and issues that we have been harbouring to bed. Well done you my friend - it will make room for who and what really matters 🙂

[Former-Member]

Fantastic! Seems like you figured it out intellectually at least. Good luck with having it settle comfortably into your psyche. X

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member, @Former-Member, @Former-Member and all,

I am having a bit of a crappy day today, I think mainly due to Christmas. I pressured myself into doing a lot of baking because we have family coming to stay with us... and unfortunately doing all that cooking just made me think of my Mum and how unhappy she was in the kitchen and how she used to force herself to bake, when really she hated cooking. 

I love cooking, but when I think of my Mum in the kitchen I always feel upset and then I have mixed feelings and can't enjoy myself.  Mum died last year. 

My husband and I went overseas for Christmas last year, so it wasn't too bad. It didn't seem much like Christmas anyway, being in a different country with a different climate, plus I didn't have to lift a finger in the kitchen, so it was easy for me.

I have never liked Christmas since becoming an adult and find it very hard to feel festive. I really wish my family weren't coming here! I do not want to have to pretend to be merry! 

I usually cope by getting drunk. I know you will be thinking "doesn't that just make everything worse?"

But I have never been one of those people who blurt everything out when I am drinking, or who gets overly emotional or anything like that. Unbelievable, I know, but I am one of those individuals who just withdraws into my own head-space when I am drinking and just keeps smiling blandly at everyone and not saying much at all. That's me. I am even quieter when drunk that I am sober, if that's even possible. We are talking very, very quiet, here!! 

Sorry about the rant, but am feeling stressed. xx 

[Former-Member]

Hugs @Sahara

Sorry to read you are feeling crappy today. Having lost your mum recently I am not surprised as this time of year can trigger memories and grief in many of us. And stress does make it all the worse. Take it all in your stride for now living moment to moment. Take a break and have a cry, then go back to what you are doing without pushing yourself too hard. Taking your time, easing through, telling yourself the worst will pass soon.

I am sure your family will understand if you are not feeling very merry for the above reasons. Don't feel pressured to have to be jolly. Just being cordial is fine, then sit back and relax as once all the preparations are done you will begin to unwind and feel better; then listening to what the others are saying helps me to distract from sad feelings putting my mind on something else for that time being helps, And once they are all gone I will go and have a cry if I need to - it does help to do this sometimes.

Try and not numb those feelings with alcohol my friend as it just stops the process of grief which will come out later if repressed in other unhealthy painful ways; it also can stop/slow down the development/maturity/strength of the mind to cope with life.  It's okay to feel sad, to feel the pain and show it - it's a normal part of life. Don't let that stress you.  Don't feel you have to put on a mask. Just be natural. And when we do allow ourselves to feel grief, the inner pain and express it, the pain eventually passes. If we don't, it will bottle up inside and grow. Best to face it face on with no shame. 

Once the stress of the occasion passes you will find your feet again. You and me both 💕

[Sahara]

Thanks, @Former-Member, 

you are very kind.....

I'm not so sure about my family... I don't feel like I can be honest with them; a big problem for me this past year or so! I really do not feel comfortable being vunerable in front of them. But your advice is really valid- I absolutely could do it and it would be good for me.

My family are all quite emotionally inhibited and seem to regard any strong emotion as a bad thing. I just have to hold it together for a few days.... and yes it really helps that I have been able to cry today, a few times. 

It's so strange, @Former-Member, but since my Mum died, my Dad has decided to pretend that she was a happy woman and that they had the perfect marriage!! The truth was that my Mum was a very angry, emotionally volatile woman who was not reasonable at all. 

While she was still alive, my Dad and I often discussed my Mum's moodiness and we absolutely agreed that she was unhappy and that we were at a loss to help her.

Now, we have to all pretend that this was not in fact the truth, for some reason. I just go along with whatever they want to believe, but it's difficult, because of my anxiety, etc. I know I am the crazy one, but believe me, my family are all way more bonkers than I am!!

[Former-Member]

Beautufuuly said @Former-Member Thank you for your supportive post.

Hi @Sahara

Sorry to hear you are feeling crappy today but great to see you here reaching out to the community, you're not alone 🙂 

This time of year can be so busy and it sounds like you have got lots on your plate, I think it can be helpful to pay attention to what we take on and that it is OK to say no if it's too much. 

I also like to bake, especially at Christmas. I'll be making gingerbread on Christmas Eve, yum! It sounds like your baking has triggered an emotional respose for you but I wonder if it is also a way of you connecting with your mum?

I'd also encourage you to seek other ways of coping and managing your family Christmas without drinking excessively? Do you have any ideas on what that might look like? One of mine is being grateful for all the good things in life, hoping my gingerbread turns out and I'll be grateful for that too 🙂

Best Wishes,

Pebbles

[Sahara]

Thanks @Former-Member,

I will have good think about what Christmas Day could look like without drinking... I don't know, but I believe it is possible. I just wish it could be boxing day already! 

I'm lucky I will have my husband by my side, so I'm grateful for that. I guess I'm grateful that I still have my Dad around, even though Mum is gone. I'll write again soon. Thanks so much for your support! x

[Sahara]

Hi again,

I'm going over and over things and I guess the truth is I'm feeling lonely because I don't have good, close connections with a lot of people.  My Mum is gone and anyway we never had a close relationship and I was always afraid of her.

I love my Dad but he is grieving and it brings me down. I try to avoid him when I can. He drains all my energy.

My sister is a very emotionally inhibited, closed-off person. I think this year I really have decided that I give up on her and give up the hope ever having a deeper relationship with her. This has just been in the last year that I have got to this point.

My old friend who died in my dream, it's a similar story. I just give up on her. 

There is one good friend who I plan to call tonight (as my husband had to go out) that I still have a good connection with. I feel a bit bad telling her how anxious I am at the moment, but I will try and not make the conversation too heavy! I will try and ask all about her, as well. I will actually be seeing her in a few weeks, so that is good.

I look forward to seeing her. It will probably be the one time in the whole of 2017 that I actually get to have emotionally fulfilling conversations with another woman. No Joke!

I am feeling very sorry for myself today. I think it has been brewing for a while. I have felt very stressed at home just getting things done.... ordinary house-work that should not be a bother. 

Thanks @Former-Member and @Former-Member, it means a lot to me that you guys and all the others here wrote to me. 

I'm going to go and try calling my friend.

XX

[Former-Member]

Hey @Sahara,

I'm really sorry your having a down time now. Your posts have got me thinking. I've had a few bizarre dreams like that of late. The other day I saw one of the people that was in my dream in real life and was a bit freaked out that they were alive. It then hit me it was a dream. Really bizarre.

I think that your last post resonated with me the most though. It made me realise I have a more intimate and vulnerable relationship with people on the forum than the people in real life which at every level is ironic because I'm really sharing with the world....but I've had to let that go as it was driving me up crazy. In real life I have close friends but me talking about my stuff never goes well. They are well intentioned but it's not the same. I think it's really hard to find people that we have emotionally fulfilling conversations with. However I have one friend I am slowly reconnecting with that I think will fulfil this need in the future. Don't put pressure on yourself for this. Sometimes it's just hard to find the right people to fill these roles in our lives. It isn't an indictment on you but rather that it is hard to find those we can have this kind of relationship with and even harder with MI. 

As for your family I know you can't change it now but maybe next Christmas you could plan something different again for you and your husband. This Christmas has been a wake up call for me too. I want it to be over. I have worn many expectations from my family and the disdain of some close to me at being unwell and I'm letting everyone down. My mother is deeply disappointed that I'm not the daughter her friends have putting on a lavish lunch and in control. She let it all out in a tyraid at me a few weeks ago. Anyway I'll get over it but for me it made me think about the hole concept of Christmas in a new way but I know it is hard to let go of what we think we should do for our family. 

Im not sure this helps but wanted to say hi and let you know my thoughts on it. Wishing you the best of luck and hoping you have a peaceful Christmas. 💜🤗

[Former-Member]

I am glad that you are ringing your friend to talk to. It's such a lonely feeling when we don't have anyone we feel we can open up to, someone who would really listen. Some may correct me if I am wrong but i believe it is difficult and rare to find good, close friends whom we can open up like this - open our hearts to. I have a few friends whom I can talk to like this, true friends are hard to find - like finding jewels in the sand.

Do you feel you can open up to your husband @Sahara ? Pity he had to go out tonight and is not there to support you. Please know you have friends here who value you, I being one, and am here for you my friend whenever you need to talk about anything. You are not alone. Sending a big, warm hug 💕