Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

As far as telling loved ones about your illness, for me it kind of happened organically. I am a very private person and I don't usually tell people very much at all. But somehow, it came as a huge relief when I did tell my family and friends about my depression.

The turning point came for me when I was finally referred to a psychiatrist, after a few false starts with medications that did not work and a G.P. that was pretty hopeless (although very kind-hearted).

I was frightened about seeing the psychiatrist, as in my mind, it confirmed that I was really ill and the illness wasn't something that would just go away by itself.

I rang my parents and told them and they didn't say much at all. Honestly, I can't really remember what they said.... I probably did all the talking. Maybe they were just bewildered? But I felt very relieved to have told them! 

To this day, I have the impression that my parents thought that I exaggerated the seriousness of my illness and that I was only being dramatic. Anyway, we didn't really ever talk about it unless I brought it up. They just didn't know what to say, I think.

My partner at the time (who was an immature and selfish man) berated me mildly for telling my parents. He said "Why are you upsetting them with all this? You shouldn't treat your parents this way - telling them things that will only worry them." Go figure. Never-the-less, I did not for one moment regret telling my parents.

My partner was not supportive and refused to believe I was depressed and thought that the doctors were wrong in their diagnosis.  He said "They are only telling you that you are depressed so as you will keep coming back to them and they can make more money from you." End of story! 

From that day on I knew I had to fight my depression by myself and that the people closest to me were never going to be of any help to me. I knew I would leave my partner as soon as I was well enough and I did. I do not regret telling him about my depression as his reaction to the news gave me an insight into what he was really like.... even though I already had a very good idea. I only wish I had left him sooner!!

I told two of my best friends what I was going through.... I told them quite matter-of-factly over the phone when I next spoke to them.  One of them lived a thousand miles away and couldn't do much for me anyway, but she did listen and she did believe me. The other friend was in the middle of an abusive marriage that was breaking down and even though she showed some concern, I don't think she had the energy to deal with it. Although, she certainly never treated me differently, or anything like that. She was a good friend. 

My sister was my best support, although it was obvious to me that she struggled to understand the nature of depression and it's effects on me. She kept saying " You seem normal to me." I was also very depressed as a child for a period, but when I reminded her of this, she couldn't recall it.

My sister advised me to keep seeing the psychiatrist and keep taking the meds, as this seemed like a good course of action to her. She did not treat me any differently, either, and made an effort to invite me out more often. Still, she worked full-time and had two young kids back then, so she really didn't have a lot of free time. 

@Former-Member, you have to do what is right for you! I always think it is a good idea to tell those nearest and dearest to to you, as if the tables were turned, you would want to know what was going on with them. That's how I think of it.

[Silenus]

Hi @Former-Member 🙂

I'm very open about being bipolar. My friends, family and employers have had mixed reactions to it, both good and bad, but I don't much care...

I'm on a crusade to break down barriers and stigma surrounding mental health. Sure I have some failed conversations and unfortunate negative responses, but by and large the results of me being open about my mental health issues have been positive...

I told my parents I was bipolar a couple of years ago. It was not all that I had hoped, but even so, if I had my time again, I would still tell them. I could not control their response, that much is obvious. But I am glad that I was open and honest about it all. It helped me to feel a sense of peace and acceptance about it all...

My mother's response was to develop selective deafness. She never acknowledged the conversation to her dying day. A lifelong alcoholic and depression sufferer, I suspect it struck a little too close to home, and perhaps she felt at least a little responsible...

My father's response was typical of his generation, unfortunately. He took in my words, and a few minutes later dropped the clanger that "Anyone who needs to see a psych is weak", or words to that effect. He then launched into a half hour diatribe about his difficult childhood and how he had been strong enough to overcome it all by himself...

Not very helpful, but alas it is all that I can expect from him...

In my books though, openness and honesty about mental health issues is difficult at times, but necessary. If nothing else, it helps to pave the way for future more enlightened generations to come...

[Former-Member]

Hi @BeeGee @Sahara @Silenus @Appleblossom @NikNik

I have been thinking about how I can tell some people, but then if I think about what information is available about bipolar - I don't think people would understand. I have not been hospitalised or had obvious negative manic episodes (apart from in my teens / early adulthood, but that could have just been the rebel in me?)

My husband still thinks I could just snap out of it and I should be trying harder. He is also angry with the doctor and says I need to change doctor (which I already had to get a second opinion). Then again he is generally very supportive, I think you're right, he just doesn't know what to do - nor do I.

I haven't been able to share my suicidal thoughts with my husband or my friend that knows about my current struggles. I find that even harder (and so much more hurtful for the other party) to explain. I did talk to my care team. Hospital is for me out of the question (at the moment) but I'm trying everything to stay safe.

[Silenus]

Hi @Former-Member

Fear often manifests as anger. To me, it sounds like your husband is using denial and anger to deal with fears of the unknown.

Bipolar, as with other mental health issues, is not generally well understood by those who have it or those who assist us in treating it, much less the general public of "normal" people.

Personally, I don't think being angry with your doctor is a particularly useful response. Is it possible that you can speak with your doctor, and perhaps invite them to speak to your husband about it in a joint session? It may well help to allay fears and concerns if your doctor gives some understandable clear details about bipolar.

Your doctor may also have some pamphlets or booklets or other reading material that describes bipolar more clearly. I remember the Beyond Blue website had some useful introductory information about bipolar.

It is especially difficult to talk about suicidal ideation. I, like you, have never had an obvious manic episode, nor have I been hospitalised. I have however tried to take my own life. I find it very difficult to describe to someone who has never been in that headspace, so that they understand.

The "snap out of it" thing? Ggnnggrhhhh... (grinds teeth) I have had that reaction all too often from well-meaning friends and family who, alas, do not understand the internal struggles and difficulties inherent in mental health issues.

My reaction is to say that you wouldn't tell a person with Parkinsons or MS to just "snap out of it". Bipolar is every bit as legitimate, serious and debilitating health issue as these, but because it is largely invisible and undetectable by scanners, it is still all too often written off by people...

We learn more about the brain every day, but still the field of mental health is in its infancy. There's a quote (I forget where from) that puts it into perspective quite well - our current knowledge of the brain is at about the same level as our knowledge of the heart was in the 1950s. We've still got a way to go.

In the meantime, us peeps struggle on not just with our mental health issues, but also with the stigma and misunderstanding that surrounds it. It's a double whammy, and it actually makes it harder for us.

@Former-Member - I wish you all the best in your journey of enlightenment. I hope that your friends and family can come to understand or at the very least accept that bipolar is a part of your life.

Sending you gentle hugs. 🙂