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0space0
Contributor

Consuming

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be there. In all honesty, I don't want to be anywhere.

Sitting at work switching between reading posts on here, and blankly staring at the screen.

Feeling irritable, and yet want to cry at any moment. 

I messaged my counsellor asking if they do crisis management/counselling... with no response. I dialled the Lifeline number on my phone, and feel sick at the thought of actually ringing it. 

I feel lost, hopeless and in despair. 

I've suffered depression, anxiety, panic attacks and PTSD for most of my life. Most times I have been able to summon up hidden strength/courage to see past/through this sickening feeling. To see light where there is none. And most times these 'episodes' are temporary. A good night's sleep, the silent whispers of my subconscious setting me right and back on the 'life is good' band-wagon. 

I could have family support networks, but I have so far distanced myself over these past years, I swap between feeling ashamed for not being there/present for my family, and not wanting to burden them, to feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of actually speaking/seeing anyone. My closest relatives are my grandparents, who are only getting older, frailer, and yet I cannot bring myself to see them, ring them, reach out to them. Perpetual cycle. 

I have limited friends and very limited contact with all/any of my family and friends. I created that. Pride. Stubbornness. Guilt. Shame.

My life is one massive turbulent rollercoaster. Hurt by those that I do let in and share my love with. And wonder why I can't seem to catch a break. (Dammit stupid tears).

I keep asking myself... "what's the point?!" the pang of pain washes over me, I fight the tears, and the cycle of thoughts persist.

If I reach out and ask my loved ones that same question, I know I will be given the answer "because your kids need you" my deflective self-loathing response is always " they'll be better off without a broken mum (dear God!!), who... " I can't even bring myself to finish that here. 

I just want to be left alone to wallow in my own self-pity. And yet silently scream out for someone to see me. 

Sorry. 

Just... Sorry. 

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Consuming

Hi @0space0. I'm really sorry to hear you're having such a hard time. It sounds like you know of the supports out there like Lifeline but it's been challenging to actually reach out to access it. I know it can be really scary to reach out for support or talk to others and let them in, especially when you're in such deep struggle, but I've found that for me, when I'm struggling the most is also when I need that support the most, as terrifying as that can feel. When it's hardest to reach out for support can often be when it's most important to reach out. You've reached out here, which is awesome and I applaud your courage in doing that, because I'm sensing it's taken a lot. Unfortunately, the Forums aren't a crisis service though, so I'd strongly encourage you to reach out to somewhere like Lifeline or the Suicide Callback Service for crisis support at this difficult time- both have webchat services you can use if you feel like that might be easier or less confronting then speaking to someone over the phone.

I'm hearing too that there are others around you who will tell you what reasons they think you have for staying around- I'm wondering if there are any reasons you have for yourself? 

I'm really glad you're here and that you've found us. Feel free to keep us updated as you go and we'll be here to listen and ride with you as you navigate this rough and rocky road. 💜  

Re: Consuming

@TideisTurning Thank you for your suggestions. I have been in touch and received more suggestions. I am yet to find the calm in this storm. 

Re: Consuming

Hi @0space0 and welcome to the Forums.

 

You will find people here who are kind and supportive and some will be in similar situations to yourself.

 

Have a look around the different threads and feek welcome to chat on any of them. I am sorry life is so hard for you at present. I have been in that place myself and trying hard to take tiny steps towards recovery.

Re: Consuming

Hi 0space0,

 

I hear you, same deal here, an existence that feels futile.

 

I find myself going for long aimless drives trying to get away from memories and myself, but always futile.

 

And that's the part that needs to be recognised, what happens and happened haunts you, follows you and leaves you with no respite.

 

Give this fact how do we deal with that? How do we deal with not being able to escape not just the haunting but the anguish and misery that accompanies it? That puts us into a place of complete apathy?

 

Slowly, that is the only way I have been able to begin to rebuild. To recognise that what has happened has happened and I can not change the outcome no matter how hard I try. In other words the cause is established, and not matter how innocent I am, no matter how unfair the outcome, no matter how difficult the emotional turmoil that I exist in I can not change that.

 

But what I am trying to do, one little step at a time, is to change the effect. I don't expect that my little "victories" would amount to much for others, but I try to set myself small target, manageable challenges like even going shopping without coming undone in aisle 4 where the tissues are. Even making multiple small trips to do a weekly shop to reduce my exposure and the sense of confrontation that I experience to manageable bites.

 

Not saying what I do or try to do will work for you, but it might help? Try pushing your boundaries in small steps, try by even just ringing someone in your family with whom you still have even a small connection, or maybe just a text message asking how they are?

 

For all you know they could be just as scared at approaching you? Deeply wanting to reach out and to connect with you but unsure how to given your current state?

 

I have a friend with a 20 year old daughter who suffers terrible anxiety to the place that she can not be around people, and sometimes even her own family. She is like a frightened Doe, always overly alert and flighty, the smallest sound of even a twig snapping would cause her to bolt for the cover of the forest. 

 

He has been slowly expanding her circle of confidence, one small step at a time to the point where she is now only extremely shy and introverted, but not ready to bolt.

 

If you have good family support networks that love you, reach out to them in honesty, tell them when you need help, and conversely also allow yourself to be there when they need help as well.

 

Start with small manageable steps, and no matter how many times you feel you have failed or not risen to the measure you set keep trying, keep going forward, put behind you the things that you can not alter or influence, be the person you know yourself to be, do the good to others that you wish for yourself. You determine the outcome, one that finds a better you at the end of it rather than be a victim of circumstance beyond your control. 

 

The things you can control are yours to control, as they are mine for my circumstance. Easy words to preach, and I know exactly how difficult they are to enact, but to not even try? You are worth so much more than failing yourself, you are so much stronger through adversity than you even realise about yourself.

 

You may be broken, I know that I am, and I also know that there is no shame in admitting this because to ignore it would be to give in to it. And as far as "because your kids need you" damned straight they do. But they need the whole of you, even the broken parts, because when they see that it is ok to be broken, when they see that mum is never going to give in, for her own sake as much as theirs, when they see that their mum who IS broken will never stop trying to become better then what greater example of endurance and perseverance can you give them to show your love for them?

 

Your kids don't need a "perfect" mum, they just need YOU! And you need them. They need to see that to falter is not shameful, it is part of our human condition. 

 

And you need not be so hard on yourself because of what your own expectations are. 

 

I know the emotional edge that you are on, it is a scary place to exist, it is a hard place to fortify yourself against. And maybe you should not always do that? Maybe you should allow the tears to flow? For me as a man I have always been told only girls cry, and now I know why, because they are smarter. A good cry can reset you emotionally, but do not let it overwhelm you to complete despair. 

 

You are worth more that you know, and are so much stronger than you realise. Keep strong, and value yourself as much as those that love you do.

 

Hydro 

Re: Consuming

Hi @0space0 

I could have written that post! I am not sure what others have said because my brain isn't working enough to read but I just wanted to say I understand. Especially the part about wanting love but the not even baring the thought of it. It can be torture. Like needing fresh air to live but being allergic to going outside. 
I imagine you have been hurt badly somewhere along the way, so it's smart for your body to fear that. But so hard now to help it learn you don't need that protection the same way anymore. 
Thinking of you 

Re: Consuming

Hi and welcome to the forums @0space0  and @Hydro .....

 

I see you have met the lovely @Eve7, and @destructive I believe we have crossed paths but are not usually in the same threads ..... hi 👋

 

While this hasn't been my personal pathway, I have two adult kids struggling with the same sort of issues, so I can relate from the carer perspective.  Mustering tone courage to

take baby or simple steps towards achievement and change seems to be the key, although it seems impossible some days.  Some days are just for breathing through ...... having a day, whatever that looks like, and trying again tomorrow with maybe a few better outcomes.  Strength and recovery happening in tiny increments, according to my own experiences, and those of my kids and other struggling friends and family.  

I just want to encourage you to keep swimming,  and float when you're too tired (physically / mentally / emotionally) to swim.

 

F&H

Re: Consuming

Hello @0space0 and welcome to the forum👋. I'm very glad you have found the time to write down how you feel because that often takes courage and bravery so a very big well done 👍 .
I know from personal experience that I have had consuming thoughts like 'what's the point in this? Etc, and I know they can be very hard to manage.

 

I have depression as one of my mental health conditions and know that these thoughts happen to me when things are getting too much for me in my life and that's often a calling card for me to get help. I have often done this by calling my GP or at times, Lifeline, which is a valuable support service that I highly recommend calling in times of need. I have at times called my hospital area's Psychiatric triage service which is helpful as well so maybe that is worth checking out if you are in need of assistance as well. There are also a list of helplines listed on the forums as well SANE helplines that might be worth looking into if you have not yet done so.

 

I read that you have worked through many strategies such as crying and sleeping and trying to contact different people. That's a massive achievement so well done. I personally like the techniques that @destructive @Hydro @Eve7 @Faith-and-Hope @TideisTurning have suggested and that is taking things one step at a time. Set yourself little goals and reward yourself when you achieve them. Do you have any hobbies or things you like doing? Maybe its gardening, photography or going for a walk? Or maybe it's playing with a pet or doing something creative like art or craft? Even just taking time out to read a book or listen to some favourite music or watch a tv show? Just doing something small can often help you feel like you are okay and that life is going to be okay. For me, a simple thing I treasure is my morning coffee and recently after a depressive episode brought on by uni stress, is taking time out each day to ensure I do at least 1 row of knitting just for me. I'm currently knitting a Wellness blanket thanks to the advice of a uni counsellor last Friday. 

Please take care and be aware that you are visible and people do see you. You are valuable and worth it. I wish you every happiness and luck in the world. I hope to see you around the forums.

 

Judi9877🌻🍀

Re: Consuming

Thank you @Hydro @Faith-and-Hope @Judi9877  Your kind words and suggestions are helpful. I have been doing Diamond Dotz, but find that my mind still wanders as it's not really a mind/thought-absorbing task. I do like reading so perhaps I will try to pick up a book again. 

 

@destructive Hang in there. Together we can push through. 

 

Monday was not a very good day at all, as the day progressed my emotions only got worse. I finally called lifeline in the evening and had a majorly poor experience as the person I spoke to came across condescending. I ended up hanging up on them after 5 minutes as it was certainly not helping only seemed to trigger me further. 

I tried to phone family, first call/person, no answer, second, no answer, third... no answer. I felt horribly desperate. No one was there. No one picked up. 

 

I don't want to say any more, as I do not know what things might trigger/upset others. Sincerely apologise if I have in some way already. 

 

Long story short; I went to bed unharmed. Woke the following day feeling marginally better. GP visit anti's & sleep prescribed. I don't feel great. But I certainly don't feel so terribly horrible either now. So that is a positive. And I know it might sound silly, but just doing a bit of tidy up of the kitchen, cooking a proper dinner and getting my kids to have baths last night felt like a massive achievement. Which felt good. 

 

Something my counsellor said to me yesterday; those thoughts and the perspectives that we have of ourselves and of others are irrational when we are feeling those things, when in reality, when we don't feel that way, we know this to be true, that it is irrational. But we just don't see it that way when we feel so low. We feed into it. 

Food for thought.  

Re: Consuming

Good going with the kitchen tidy-up, "proper" meal for the kids, and baths @0space0  ..... no small thing, with or without mental health struggles layered in there too.

 

And yes, food for thought.

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