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Needles
New Contributor

What the hell am I doing?

So. I’m Needles (well, that’s the English translation of my surname, anyway).
Hi.
Straight up, I am not a simple OCD case. I have a complex and severe disorder which has uncontrollable compulsive behaviours and urges attached. But OCD folk may be able to relate somewhat.
I wondered if anyone has a clear correlation between A and B with OCD. For example stress = behaviour A triggering in order to provide calming effect, or similar. Do you know why you enact your behaviours? Is it as simple as you’re anxious and therefore you enact a behaviour to comfort yourself?
Because for me, this seems completely random, and therefore, utterly unpredictable and unmanageable.
I’ve been having a really bad time with acting out, so I decided to do a bit of a progress day : Record a couple little videos for myself about what I was doing, where I was going, what symptoms were happening, when they triggered off and when they didn’t, and how I was feeling (eg stressed, angry, whatever) to try and work this out so I can deal with it better.
Perfectly reasonable. But it ended with me "taking too much of" (and really? You're not ALLOWED to type the actual word when you have a mental health condition???)  (at night, in a graveyard – oh the irony) on a substance the compulsions have started demanding and helplessly enacting a lot of my worst behaviours. Then I had to go back to where I’m staying and, as always, try to pretend I am fine and normal when I’d just spent an hour throwing up, had dizziness/blurred vision/pain/nausea and was busy watching how bad the "poisoning" (and again, censoring the actual word for the experience?)  was to determine if I need to go to ER. I’d spent the whole day enacting an obvious external behaviour which I find very embarrassing.
I’d emailed the therapist the day before, with no response.
I have tried SSRIs of various kinds, anti-psychotics and other medications recommended for OCD, behavioural therapy, and am currently trying exposure therapy. NONE of this makes the slightest bit of difference to my illness.
It’s chaos – I can be in the same place, feeling generally the same way, and I will either act out badly or be (outwardly) normal. I can feel fine and compulsions will hit hard, or I feel fine and they don’t. Same as when I’m stressed or whatever else. There is no pattern. I cannot anticipate and therefore avoid triggers. There’s nothing I can do.
I do not enjoy my behaviours. In fact I find them very distressing. They don’t provide me with comfort, calm, order, or focus. They screw me. I wish more than anything I could stop but I’m unable. They’ve been dangerous for some time – There have been substance abuses in the past, that I had tried to “self medicate” with and push the issue down, but I had thought I recovered from that six years ago. Now this. I’m shaking which is not in itself serious, but I’ve essentially been poisoned by my own illness, and it may escalate.
How do people with OCD manage if there is no pattern? Does OCD itself dictate a pattern?
Are your behaviours, maladaptive as they are, always for a reason?
I don’t know why I act out the behaviours, other than there is a compulsion that I do so, and I have no choice in the moment. That’s it. I wondered if there could be something like Tourettes Syndrome involved, as the compulsive feeling must be answered by the behaviour. Is this common in OCD? What does it feel like when you are forced to act out?
Impressions welcome.

5 REPLIES 5

Re: What the hell am I doing?

hi @Needles and welcome

I don't have ocd or have much experience with it but perhaps @NatureLover @Maggie @Shaz51 @eth @CheerBear might be able to share some advice


please feel free to have a look around and join in wherever you like. a little forum tip Is to put an @ before a members name, this way they'll receive a notification that your talking to them
Former-Member
Not applicable

Re: What the hell am I doing?

Hmm @Needles 

I think I understand the compulsion. Kind of like addiction?

Im not sure what OCD tendency is to many. But I'm sure many have!

Its a common stay- just what you do type of act?

If I can try offer any thought, I think it's finding out the 'why' it's satisfying. Or the why of what is not met. Do the act validated a happy response?

Maybe?

Its late.

So disregard if this is not helpful in any way.

But I'm hearing you.

For me it's a start- to be heard.

I find social aspects of forum helpful. I learn a lot from banter.

And being brave to ask or say what's bothering me. 
Hope you are ok?

Take care, and catch you round. 🙂

Re: What the hell am I doing?

@Needles  Hey Needles and welcome to the forum. I have schizoaffective disorder not OCD but wanted to say hi and let you know that we are a friendly bunch of people who are very kind and caring. Have a look around the forum and when you are ready you might like to join in on a thread there is bound to be alot on OCD regardless. Headsup if you want to talk with someone in particular put a @ in front of their names and they will receive a notification of your post. I hope you get the answers that you are looking for and take care of yourself. greenpea

Re: What the hell am I doing?

Hi and welcome, @Needles . It's good you've joined the forums.

 

I also have OCD - germophobia. I am not sure what form your OCD takes (it's OK to use terms like 'checking', 'counting', 'germophobia' and general terms like that), but yours sounds unusual, and it's strange that you say it's random and unpredictable. 

 

I think it's good that you decided to record your feelings and try to work out the triggers... I'm concerned that your compulsions result in you taking too much of a substance though. 

 

When you say you've tried medications...does this mean you're currently not on any medications?

 

And I think exposure therapy takes a while to have an effect - it's a slow process. 

 

I think the reason for my OCD has something to do with trying to control my environment against threats. I grew up with complex childhood trauma, so it's in some way related to that. It's more than just soothing behaviour for stress, I feel...but I haven't really worked it out any further than that yet. I agree that I don't enjoy my compulsive cleaning behaviours - they're a terrible burden, and so time-consuming.

 

Hopefully you'll get a reply from the therapist soon...as I understand it, therapists are a bit overwhelmed with the influx of people whose mental health has deteriorated during this pandemic. Do you feel able to tell your therapist about your compulsions to take too much of substances? As this does sound dangerous, as you say. It sounds like you feel this compulsion may become life-threatening...if this is the case, I would encourage you to call 000.

 

As @greenpea said, there are a lot of threads here on OCD - just type 'OCD' into the search bar above.

Re: What the hell am I doing?

@Needles 

Heya, I came across your thread and thought I might reply.

I suffer from OCD both of the germ, counting and repetitative actions perspective.  I have suffered for 24 years and manage to see my condition become manageable over the years much in thanks for discovering a correlation between my anxiety/stress and by bodies subconcious method of coping.  Every time my OCD spikes up I am learning more about this myself however reading your post spiked an interested to chat further.  How are travelling recently with this all?

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