Hi @BlueBay
I spent ages thinking about your post last night - and also about my own life - and I know there is no easy way to answer your questions - no easy way forward and no easy way to find happiness without your parents
You know both of my parents are dead and since my mother died I have found what I call peace - I grasp and enjoy moments of happiness and I don't think I needed my mother to have that - she was a different person than your mother but just as harsh and bitter and bitchy - I was a tough nut for her but she was just as hard on my siblings but neither of them had my spirit. I'm glad I was the tough kid - however - I was honest and fairly obedient. I was a good student, a musician, an athlete - but none of this was good enough for her. I understand your feelings. I respect them
When it comes to moving forward and starting a new life it's not a good idea to look at the future in its entirety. LIfe can only be lived one day at a time. So you plan to live that day without your parents. You might want to be supported and nurtured but you won't get that. Actually you only think you need that from them. You need to be loved and supported that's true - and you have your husband and children and little A for that.
And you don't need your parents for happiness either. How do you find that for yourself? I really don't know how you will do it but I know I was happy when I saw Dad after he wanted me back in the family - pity about my mother - she would throw the Christmas card with my Christmas money at me - warn Dad that the cupcakes I had made had cashews so watch his teeth or were very sweet - etc - she could not watch that tongue so yes - I felt unhappy too
From the time when we had two major crises in the family over 40 and 35 years ago now I found my parents to be horrible toward me and had no idea why - and during those years I went to university - 12 years part time - I did other courses too and worked - I enjoyed my life doing what pleased me and this was in moments - sometimes good days - life with my son was difficult - challenging - and my ex-h was not supportive - my joy is still my daughter. And I am a published writer.
My son's death was the most important thing that ever happened to me. Yes - we remember when our children were born and our lives change but the death of one of them is beyond description. My family was not supportive and neither was my then-h. I had to manage this alone and it did change my life. I am a different and much better person since then. I found if support could only be found through professional help then I took that support and bit by bit, day by day, event by event, year by year - I found the person I am today and I like this person - I'm not perfect - I never will be - but I am independent and self-sufficient. I had a good look into my own heart while I was thinking of you and know your road is a hard one and what can I do to make it easier for you? Nothing really expect be who I am in the supportive sense. I have your back. I read what you write and when I don't respond immediately it's because I am giving your messages the time they deserve so I can give you and honest and hopefully helpful response.
I know and I have considered the abuse your experienced as a child and your resultant BPD. You have to learn to manage this and not make excuses about not being strong enough or not having confindence. We get strength by doing things just beyond our ability and when we succeed when gain confidence. We don't need to rely on other people to pat us on the back - but hey - everyone here gets pats on the back - this is a great place to have that acknowledgement - I love it myself - the site and the encouragement.
The first thing you need to do is to get your physical health attended to - and leave looking for new work - even a new home - until your feel better. I am pretty sure your issues are physical problems just as I am pretty sure stress is making them worse - and managing stress is something I have learned to do and can post about later. I don't know what DBT is - I think it's a group therapy scenario. You can discuss stress with other people who are in a similar place and learn something from them.
None of this is easy - and you have a choice - you can do nothing and stay unhappy. I do strongly suspect though that you are working on finding a way but it seems to hard.
But I did it and I know you can too - I have had severe reactive depression, still get anxious at times. Also PTSD. And I have grieved my son for years - decades - nearly 35 years - and now I have learned to lay it aside except for appropriate days, I clawed my way through it all and I know grief work is very hard work and you will have to start grieving for you parents - your father certainly
I will be around as long as it's physically possible and I care about you very deeply - I have read back on so much of your writing and can easily read now much better you are now that when we first met after Easter 2016. You have a long way to go still but your writing - wow - I could not write about my battles the way you do - you have a real gift there
Sending my best thoughts
Dec
