I’m still trying to process my appointment with my psychologist from yesterday. It went ok.
We finally got to do the blind weigh in. We had been wanting to start that for some weeks but due to both of us being in isolation at different times it was delayed. I seen the scales in the room as soon as I walked in, I hadn’t really thought about it in the lead up to the appointment, I had other things on my mind. But we got in and done it first thing and I was kind of ok with it. I hate that someone else knows how much I weighed. I use to obsessively weigh myself, but after my long hospital admission I stopped and have been too scared to start again. My psychologist will graph it on a blind graph in the hopes to show me that I am not putting weight on, which I am terrified about.
She then reassured me that there was no pressure to talk, but I told her I wanted to get it over with as I didn’t want it hanging over my head anymore. The last week had been horrible. I tried to get it out, but I just couldn’t speak the words. I had tried to write something but was too triggered. But I did remembered something that I wrote ages ago and grabbed at the last minute and shoved it in my bag. I asked if it was ok if I gave that to her to read, which was fine.
She was gentle and kind. Asked if there was anything else that I wanted her to know. I sat in silence for a while, wanting to tell her what happened as a result of that. All I could get out was that something happened as a result…. , and she was able to join the dots thankfully.
She was so attuned to how I was coping, quickly jumping in numerous times and helping when It was starting to get too much. I was so thankful for that, it was a big fear that it would just get too much and I would lose control. She also made sure that I was ok to leave. Every time I thought it was time to wrap things up something else came up, but she never rushed me out the door. I was there for nearly 2 hours.
We also talked about scheme therapy and some of the different parts to me. It really made sense to me and after she drew a diagram I really understood parts of me and how I work. We discovered the critic self and that it drives a lot of my SI.
I’ve really struggled since being home. I just want to be alone. I feel exhausted still and very raw. And I’m sitting with a lot of sadness. But perhaps after all that I feel a sense of relief. That someone else knows. That it’s not a secret anymore.
