Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Sadgirl]

My husband has depression- I've known this all of our relationship and I've dealt with it. We are newly married, 6 months and in this time, my life with him has been hell. A lot has happened recently but last night he told me he wouldn't care if he was dead. I don't know how to cope, I've asked him to seek help but he won't as he says 'I've done that before and it didn't work'. I'm not equipped to deal with this- he's freezing me out and telling me I'm better off without him. I just don't know how to deal with this.

[Former-Member]

Hello @Sadgirl

---

@Sadgirl wrote:
My husband has depression- I've known this all of our relationship and I've dealt with it. We are newly married, 6 months and in this time, my life with him has been hell. A lot has happened recently but last night he told me he wouldn't care if he was dead. I don't know how to cope, I've asked him to seek help but he won't as he says 'I've done that before and it didn't work'. I'm not equipped to deal with this- he's freezing me out and telling me I'm better off without him. I just don't know how to deal with this.

---

Hello

i am reading your post and can tell that you are feeling as though you have done everything that you possibly can. You are probably feeling drained, depleted and quite justifiably too.

i sit on both sides of the fence. I Have a son with a diagnosis of a mental illness that he disagrees with and I am treading so very carefully on the rare opportunities that I have moments to talk to him on the phone. He has fled so that he can live, in his eyes, safely.

your husband has sunk into a deeper state of depression. This usually occurs after a trauma or a period of hiding his true feelings.

in saying that he is better off dead and that he has tried getting help before and it didn't work he is expressing that he feels that he is not worthwhile.

you are right he is the one who needs to seek help. Could you make an appointment with his gp and go in with him and explain. Does he have private health. Go to gp with him for urgent referral to psychiatrist or psychologist.

let your husband know that you don't understand, you can't help him, but you can be with him to get professional help. You do love him and he is worthwhile.

depression is awful, it eats away at you and gets out of control and needs expert help.

Make sure that you look after yourself also. Talk to someone who can be trusted to respect your husband and keep matter confidential.

keep writing on here. You are not alone. Others will respond.

[soul]

@Sadgirl - depression can be a deep dark hole and the person in it can't even find the ladder let alone start climbing it. They can't see anything good and find no reason to live. That is your husband at the moment and because you care about him, you are feeling helpless.

He needs to see that there is some joy in life. Whilst you are trying to get him some professional help, are there some things you can think of that may bring him some happiness? Perhaps watching a movie, listening to some music, going out for a meal or a bush walk. Having a goal can be motivating. Planning a future event - a holiday, a weekend away, a small project. Can some mates or family lift his mood?

Please take care of yourself as well. You will be in a better position to help your husband if you are not feeling down. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Sadgirl, how are you today ?? , hope you are ok my friend

[Pebbles]

Hi @Sadgirl and welcome to the forums. I hope you are able to support and hope within here.

Supporting a loved one whilst they are living with depression can be a challenge for all involoved. I can appreciate what a tough time you are having, I'm so pleased you have found these forums to help find more support for youself.

One of the best things we can do if we’re concerned about someone’s mental health is talk to them
and encourage them to seek the support of mental health professional / GP. 

Starting this kind of discussion is not always easy, so it may be helpful for you to consider some ofthe following communication tips before approaching them:

- Choose a time and a place that is suitable for both of you

- Speak in a calm, quiet voice

- Start the discussion by talking about how the person is feeling

- Listen to what the person has to say, rather than doing most of the talking. Sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they are not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns.  
- Be patient and wait, it may take a while for your loved one to respond. Often just spending time with the person and listening to them lets them know someone cares and understands them
- Remember that your ability to listen is a valuable resource to your loved one. Listening and letting them know, in a caring manner, that you have heard what they have said, is a valuable and supportive contribution
- Let your loved one know that while you are here to support them, you feel ill-equipped to
provide sufficient support on your own, and that some additional support from a professional might be more helpful
- Share your own vulnerability - Tell your loved one about a time where you accepted help for a problem you were facing. This can help to normalise the idea of seeking help.
- Clarify what your loved ones barriers to help-seeking actually are (e.g., fear) and consider ways to overcome those barriers together
- Focus on the issues your loved one can acknowledge and suggest they get help for those (e.g., insomnia, difficulty concentrating).
- Be patient, and remember that you do not have to offer immediate solutions.

We're here with you @Sadgirl. Pleae remeber to take care of yourself amoungst all of this too. 

The Sane Help Centre is also available M-F 9am-5pm if you or your husband feel like a discussing things.

Take care  

[Sadgirl]

Thank you all for the replies- I took some 'time out' shortly after posting and just got away for most of last week, without my husband. I just needed to breathe. He was difficult at times but I am just taking it one day at a time. Posting on here made me feel strength and not alone and I know that helped me through the past fortnight. Thank you.

[Jasminej]

@Sadgirl I'm glad you had the break 🙂 how are things now? I was thinking that if you are able to, and this may take weeks of working up to, to look through information on depression on the internet..he may be able to identify with symptoms and decide to give doc a try. The black dog institute eg. You could call lifeline as well. Also if you are able to see a counsellor/psychologist for your own well-being, it will make this journey easier. Lots of love to you.