Lived Experience Forum

[Kaykay]

Why am I waking up feeling that a dream I just had is my actual life? And that it can take up to a couple of hours to finally feel like it was a dream, even with all the reality checks I perform. For example, my dream usually consist of my husband wanting a divorce, or that we are divorced, or that he has another woman on the side. And I'm devastated and willing to do and go through anything to stay married or keep him happy. This includes allowing him to have the extra-marital affair if it means he'll stay, or begging him to rethink his divorce plans, or even going along with what's happening in the hope that he'll see his folly. Everything else in the dream matches up to my real life, kids, house, jobs, routines etc. It is so real that when I wake up from the dream, I've just dreamed that I have just woken up. It gets to the point that I have to ask my husband what is real and what's not. The dreams are very distressing and I feel all those emotions when I wake as well. Also want to mention that I suffer from depression and anxiety and have chronic insomnia. Can anyone shed some light on what is happening to me?

[Hope4me]

Hi and welcome @Kaykay 

Insomnia's the pits! No doubt about that. Wild dreams are too; please know I understand exactly what you're talking about ok. It can be a terrible side effect of depressive and anxiety disorders.

The thing to realise is, that our dreams are a direct link to our subconscious [which communicates in pictures]. When invisible fears or worry lay beneath our stoic persona's, it comes out in our dreams to alert us to their existence.

This can be quite scary because the power of those fears are experienced in movie-like scenes that seem so real. Getting caught up in the emotional responses upon waking causes even more confusion because feelings seem larger than life.

It's important to remember that what you're seeing is 'information', not reality. When we 'feel' so deeply at these times, the emotional brain interprets this as being real. It's sort of a chicken and the egg situation.

Engaging the rational side of your brain while breathing slowly and deeply will help to calm things. Try telling yourself "It's ok; there's something I need to admit to myself or bring to the surface. I'll put this in my pocket for later". Write down the dream as if it's just a story. This helps your brain calm as well.

It's so easy to become engulfed in the emotion of it all, but with practice, you can use disturbing dreams to unravel the past, underlying issues of concern or something you're not aware of that might seem too scary to confront in your daily life.

Recovering from anxiety etc is a process. If you've decided to do whatever it takes to heal and move forward, your subconscious will help you by bringing up issues that need putting to rest so you can move onto the next phase of recovery.

Please don't be afraid of your dreams. They're the harbingers of information to help you understand yourself better.

I had a dream many years ago about sleeping next to my young son as if he was my partner. It was so disturbing I woke in tears and full of shame. The underlying factor was though, that I was a single mum with no support from my ex-husband and relied heavily on my son for company, conversation and even problem solving. It took me a long while to understand this, but when I did I changed the way I related with him; taking the pressure off both of us.

So please don't worry ok. Taking emotion out of the equation is the best thing to do so that information can do its job.

I'll hang around a bit to see if you write back and we can talk if you like.

Kind thoughts;

Hope x  👵

[Ali11]

That does sound distressing @Kaykay and can understand your cause from concern, especially when the dreams are so real and lifelike. Do you have a medical professional that you can talk to about these dreams? 

[Teej]

Awesome response @Hope4me  and informative. I have experienced similar @Kaykay . It left me really insecure and almost afraid of mornings because I’d have to work out what was real. 

When I told my psych she said it was good that I was having those dreams. it didn’t feel like it was good at the time and I was a bit miffed at her response. It the stopped as @Hope4me suggested when I worked through some of the stuff irl. 

Lateley they’ve returned and I know why. There is some heavy stuff going on irl. My dreams are reflective of this. 

I don’t have any answers because that panic when you wake is awful. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Best wishes 💜😊

[Kaykay]

@Ali11, yes I have spoken with my mental health worker about these dreams. But they continue. I don't know what to do. Thanks for your reply.

[Kaykay]

Thank you @Hope4me @for your reply and the time you took to write it
I understand everything you've written and it all makes sense. And having had these dreams for a while now I've concluded that I have a fear of my husband leaving me, despite the fact that we've been together for just shy of 20 years, and his reassurance that he has no intention of leaving. And yet the dreams continue.
I'll keep talking to my mental health worker about it, but I feel like there's really not much more to be said about the whole topic of abandonment.
Thanks again for your reply.

[Kaykay]

@Teej thank you for your kind words. It's reassuring to know that I am not the only one going through this, though I am sorry that you experience it also.

[Ali11]

So glad to hear that you are talking about it @Kaykay, but we understand that it doesn't mean that the dreams get any easier. Have you thought about thinking to some great memories you and your husband have had just before you are going to sleep? That may help ease your mind as you go into the sleep cycle. 

[Kaykay]

@Ali11  that's something I certainly can do. 

I guess I was just after some reassurance that there was nothing more sinister psychological going on, disassociating or delusional episodes or something.

[Hope4me]

Thanks for your kind response @Kaykay (Thanks also @Teej )

I'm glad you made sense of what I wrote.

Just one thing; dreams aren't often 'literal', they're more symbolic. Being abandoned by your husband and having to live life on your own sounds rational and understandable. I'm just wondering why at this time? Maybe there's something you're facing that's bringing this issue to light more than other times. Just thinking out loud; I hope you don't mind.

I'm glad you have a MH worker to turn to. We all need someone close at hand during hard times.

Take care;

Hope x  👵