Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Naenae]

my partner has taken off. One day he was happy and loving and the next he was so angry and hateful and I just don't know what happened.
He was in a horrific accident 10 years ago. We have only been together 18 months. During the time we have been together every few months he would change and be angry and cruel and it was excruciating but after a few days he would come back and be sorry for his behavior.
This time is different and I'm very scared. It's been 2 weeks.... hes been hateful and angry towards me. He left his place in a mess and doesn't seem to care for anything back home that was normally important to him. He's cut off all his family also.
I've tried to tell him I love him and want him to come home repeatedly but it just makes him more angry.
It's worn me down so far I can barely function.
Is this normal for ptsd to still be so intense after 10 years? Is it more bipolar behavior? Is he likely to come back to his old life? I'm so heartbroken and so exhausted and I don't want to face life anymore.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Naenae,

I'm sorry to hear about what's going on with you and your partner. It sounds very distressing. His behaviour does seem strange, but its hard to say where and why these behaviours are happening. Has he had an previous diagnoses?

@Uggy78 and @Ellu have partners with bipolar and have written about it here. In that thread @Uggy78 write about how her partner has walked out on her several times, so it'd be great to have her perspective and advice her. Also @Former-Member has a partner with PTSD. Perhaps she has some thoughts on this? There's also this thread where @Determined and @Former-Member write about the up and downs of having a partner with a mental illness.

It seems like he has shut out lots of people in his life, if he has also cut off his family. I wonder if they have had to deal with similar circumstances in the past. 

It sounds like you have done all you can. You've kept the communication and doors open. So if he's getting irritated with you reaching out to him, it might mean pulling back until he is ready to come to you, and look after yourself. While he may not be ready to take care of himself and talk yet, it doesn't mean that you need to stop caring about you too. 

Have you got support like family and friends that can help you get through this rough time?

[Former-Member]

Hi @Naenae, and welcome to the Sane forums.  @CherryBomb has tagged me here because I have a partner who has PTSD.  But I also suffer from PTSD myself.  So I guess I can give some insight from both angles, as a partner and as a fellow sufferer.

You didnt say in your post whether he has been formally diagnosed with either PTSD or bipolar, although you mentioned both.

Firstly I will say that it is definitely not unusual for PTSD to still be this intense 10 years after a traumatic event.  In fact some people do not even experience any symptoms until years after the initial trauma. For me, I had intense symptoms for a couple of years, then had periods of maybe a year or two where I was relatively 'normal'.  Its now 21 years after for me.  However I never sought any treatment until almost 3 years ago, and was only officially diagnosed at that point.

It is believed that the most important thing post-trauma is support and understanding from those around you.  Being able to talk about it.  Often this is enough to actually prevent PTSD from developing.

When we are triggered and ptsd returns with a vengeance, we can become very angry as we do not know how to handle the extreme symptoms of anxiety that occurs at that time.  Most of us also have periods of intense depressive episodes.  Triggers are often obscure and may not seem to be related to the original trauma, and yet our brain is convinced that there is indeed a link.

Okay so he has taken off.  Give him some time, he may well feel as though he is actually protecting you from him.  Let him know you are there for him when he is ready, that you want him back. When he is able, he will come.  Sometimes what we need is a bit of time to get ourselves straightened out. Does he ever discuss this horrific accident he was in?  Perhaps there have been some horrible car accidents he has seen on the news lately, that would be enough to trigger him most likely.

When he does return Naenae, try to urge him to see his GP and get a referral to a psychologist who will be able to help him.  Offer to go with him if he would like you to.  Make sure he knows you are there for him and that you support him, no matter what.

Yes its very hard living with someone with PTSD.  But it can be treated and he can recover to the extend that life is worth living again. With appropriate treatment it does get easier, for both of you.

Good luck, and keep in touch. Sending you a comforting hug, you poor thing.

Sherry  xx  

[Naenae]

thank you so much for getting in touch.

yes he has been diagnosed and has had a lot of therapy over the years. But he has this attitude that he knows better. 

its very hard for me as i live alone on a rural property and he has been my whole world. I run a business from here and people are often coming and going. they know im in distress and are there for me but nothing seems to releive my distress. 

im finding it very difficult to do any work and im crying constantly. its affecting my business badly but I just cant seem to focus on anything else.

People are contstantly telling me things like im better off without him, he brings me down, hes dangerous, just cheer up, ive got so much going for me........ and it just makes me feel worse not better. I just want him to come home. 

yes he has a lot of problems but he is mentally ill and deserves love and help. 

when i last managed to get him to speak to me he was so angry and hateful. he told me to f*** off and he was single now and was on tinder and looking for new partners.... I feel as though he just wanted to say the most hurtful thing he could think of... god i hope its not true. Its just not him..... 

i rang his dad. i felt somewhat of a relief to share some of the same experiences and feelings. But i also felt disappointment. my partner had been cranky with his dad and cut him off and his dad just accepted it and said he wasnt going where he wasnt welcome. I feel sad that his own dad wouldnt try harder... but i guess hes known him a lifetime and has more experience in this than i do.

[Former-Member]

Dear @Naenae

My heart goes out to you. I so feel your distress - and can totally relate. To have someone be your whole world, be so loving and supportive and then for the beloved to suddenly have a mental meltdown, abandon and abuse you turning on you so angrily and hatefully is really shocking to the mind, spirit and body. It feels like our world is falling apart in the most devastating way.

You are experiencing trauma yourself (can't stop crying, distressed and can't concentrate ) and you are in crisis - please seek real life support for yourself as well. Please don't hesitate to ring lifeline or a crisis centre for support and assistance.

I have also lived on a rural property in the past and it can be very isolating invoking extreme anxiety if alone too much. Its so important to have a support person - do you have this? Also have you seen your doctor to perhaps talk about something to take to help you through this traumatic time and also seek a referral for trauma counselling? You otherwise could be at risk of falling into a deep depression yourself.

Please post whenever you feel the distress gets too much as well as ring lifeline or a crisis centre. I wish I could help more xx

[Naenae]

Yes I did fall into a deep depression and it has been very scary. I did have suicidal thoughts constantly. I got help from lifeline and my gp. Medication started to work a little bit over the weekend and I felt a little more able to cope.
He phoned me yesterday. I was very suprised. He said he was calling to see if I was ok as he knew I had a very big weekend and thought I may be struggling to come down again after it.
He went back and forth between his old self and his angry self.
I asked him if he was ok and he said no. He also said he's never coming back.
I started to cry and he said I'm always upset about everything. I said I was sad and hurt because I miss him so much and I've lost my best friend.
He softened a little and said he understood.
He said he didn't say he's never coming back just never going back to his property.
So now I feel all that anguish and turmoil again... like a little hope may be there but I'm not sure... and I'll be walking on eggshells to not do or say the wrong thing to make him angry again.
I don't want to live my life like this.... but I can't seem to just let him go.

[Former-Member]

Hello dear @Naenae

I hear you and I so feel your pain. I so wish I could take it away.

It is very frightening to fall into a deep depression and I was concerned you were heading that way. You did the right thing by ringing lifeline and seeing your GP - the medications will help you more in time. But being in contact with your ex has re-traumatised you and this is not good. You can't keep going this way.

I am not saying that your relationship is over. But for your own sanity and distress levels I would highly recommend that you treat it like it is over for now and look after yourself and fight to get your life back on track first. Your ex has a whole lot of his own issues to sort out and is not in the right place to form a lasting relationship now. A relationship where we walk on eggshells or have to be constantly careful of what we say is an emotionally abusive one. It won't work that way. Keeping contact with your ex while he is exhibiting unstable moods will only string you along to more heartache and grief, which do you more psychological and emotional harm.

To get over this distress and to heal you will need to make a clean break from him and not have contact for awhile.

 It will not be easy as you crave his love and support, I understand totally. But if there is any real chance this relationship has a future and if there is any real love there, in time when he is better he will come back to you. But also he may not as he may not want commitment with anyone. Only time will tell.

For now you need to do what is best for you and your mental well being. Please keep seeing your GP! Utilise the crisis centres and please keep posting. Others also may have sound advise and support for you. Is there a support person you can turn to, a friend or family member? I know it is not the same but will help tremendously towards healing from this trauma. 

It feels like hell now but you will continue to feel better as you were on the weekend if you take a step back from  your ex for now and allow yourself to heal. Then you will be in a better place to know what you really want. At the moment you are vulnerable and need to protect yourself.  Sending you a big warm hug 🤗 

[Naenae]

Hello
Wow things all of a sudden flipped around again.... He's taking to me contstantly. Even saying that he is depressed and having an episode of ptsd. Over the last few days he has completely changed.
He said that he doesn't know how to deal with it other than to run away and do it alone. He doesn't want to do it alone anymore but he doesn't know how.
I feel so many different things now. Relieved a bit, scared of committing again and putting myself through the cycle again. Frustrated, numb.... lots of different things.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Naenae
Checking to see how you are going. My husband has run away a number of times. It was very difficult and stressful as he became increasingly suicidal. He has been in and out of hospital and has proven diagnostically difficult. Even with help, mental illness is challenging and puts a strain on the strongest of relationships. It is a long road with ups and downs. I understand your relief, your fears in relation to your partner going walkabout and feeling vulnerable.

There are no easy answers, I am in a committed long term relationship (married 33 years) Relationships with MI are hard work. The diagnosis affects the family not just the patient. To be successful there needs to be an openness in communication around the disorder. From what I read and I know to be true in my case that the person with the illness needs to actively involve themselves in treatment, the partner needs to be trusted to be part of this. For the well person they need to have compassion, be non judgemental and the ability to forgive. I can honestly say that once I educated myself and understood things more I have been able to interact a lot better with my husband (understanding that not all problems are caused by his mental illness, we all have imperfections and I needed to grow too).

Darcy