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Something’s not right

Re: Advice please

It is so hard, @greenpea. Feeling for you a lot. Sorry if I'm sounding a bit hardline in my response, just concerned for you all, especially you my dear pea. Heart

Re: Advice please

Good morning @greenpea

I'm so sorry you're in this emotional situation. I really am...

 

I think @Mazarita@Appleblossom@Zoe7@Bjorn have provided some great support and advice. It's brave of you to open up like this.

 

My son 'shaped up' to me when he was a teen, and without a (male) partner it was extremely confronting. I opted to avoid my emotional response until later. (Crying deeply with guilt) I explained to him on the spot, his actions were very distressing and hurtful and; no man should raise his hand to a woman under any circumstances. He burst into tears and ran to his room.

 

The difference between our situations, is that my son was self aware. He took my words in and understood my position. Your son doesn't seem self aware or accountable for his actions. This is a dangerous position to be in for 'all' concerned, especially your son.

 

Imagine how he'd feel if he did hurt you or your daughter; it would probably affect him for the rest of his life and could even make his condition worse. Stepping back from our personal feelings is sometimes necessary re the big picture. It's hard Greenpea, it really is. Dig deep hun; try to find the strength and courage to do what's right for all concerned. Guilt is as destructive as it gets.

 

I hope I haven't come across as too harsh. I mean well and want things to work out for you.

 

Sincerest warm thoughts;

Hope xo Heart

Re: Advice please

While things are confusing it is extra hard on your daughter. @greenpea

 

I arranged for my children to be in separate households which I could do, as the dynamic was too volatile for them to be together. It is sad but has enabled them to carve out separate lives for themselves (which was better than what happened for the previous generation). It was the best I could do in the circumstances.

 

Is there anyway he could live close by.  I was talking about it with my son in order for him to see future independent possibiltiies.  

 

My little sister never forgave my brother for his acting out.  It was very sad, as I could see both sides.

 

This is a situation that triggered me regarding the forum guidelines.  When more than one person in the family or under the same roof have mental health issues, simple guidelines are inadequate.  

 

Take Care @greenpea of you, your girl and in the long run, your boy.

Heart

 

Re: Advice please

@Hope4me Hi and thank you Hope you have not come across too harsh at all. You have spoken the truth however much it hurts me and brings up feelings of guilt I have to deal with this even though I want to run away. 

 

Thank you again for your time and patience in answering me, I really appeciate yours and everyone's input in this problem. greenpea

Re: Advice please

@Appleblossom Hi Appleblossom yes it is hard on the siblings and my daughter is no different .... more guilt there. She won't leave me as she is worried about my son, that he might do something to hurt me. I have been considering other accommodation for him but it is hard Appleblossom because of his other problems. In many ways he is like a child .... a 7 foot high, 11 year old and at the same time an adult as well.... 

 

It is complicated ... thanks for your help. Love greenpea

Re: Advice please

@greenpea

I know your situation is complicated. 

 

I know that all too deeply because of some similarities with my families of upbringing (bro was 9 years older than sister - it did not end well for that bro - which is the very situation to be avoided). I dont want to scare you, but I think you are already struggling with these issues.  Its not just asking everyone about their mood state.  It is about identifying  real high risk situations.

 

I was luckier in that I was older sis and could and did leave at 16, due to combination of bros carrying ons.   Partly it is due to being a single mum, but that is not a guilt thing it is a family structural issue. I also relate with caring for my son etc.  The lack of a good father/husband should never be a guilt issue for women .... it is a lack ... a social deficit ... men are usually welcome to make up the balance ... however they can ...

 

Is there any way he can go into supported living and you can move close by, to around the corner etc, but have the home free and clear for you and daughter.  I would be going for LONG term resolution rather than revolving door hospital EDs ... there are some good houses. I have a couple friends in disability ...

Sorry thats my 2 bob.

Heart @greenpea

Smiley Happy

 

 

Re: Advice please

Hey, you're so very welcome @greenpea Smiley Happy

I just had a thought; (I know! This can be dangerous! Ha-ha) You seem conflicted over being mother and MH advocate. There are advocacy services to maybe take one of those responsibilities off your plate so you get to focus on your family unit?

 

Don't know if this clicks, but it'll give that aweful guilt and anguish away to people who care about your son in less emotive ways. They'll speak or act on 'his' behalf if he doesn't understand, so decisions could be easier and even may help him feel more empowered and less guilt too. He may be less likely to use emotional blackmail etc with them too.

 

I'm thinking of you Greenpea. I really hope you have access to some type of respite or even a day at the park, beach or movies. (Air con's great) A friend or family member who's a good listener could be ideal by the sounds of it.

 

Take care hun;

Hope xo Heart

Re: Advice please

Thinking of you @greenpea 💚

Re: Advice please

@Appleblossom you are right of course I suppose I am dragging my feet as he loves his family so much and always says when he goes out he is coming home again (so someone has either mentioned group housing to him or he knows of other clients at his day care who go to group housing).....

 

This is like a long painful goodbye. If he wasn't so vulnerable I wouldn't be so hesitant. You read stories or get told stories of truly horrible group housing situations that as a parent  you never want your child to be living in. So much is done on faith that your child will be looked after and not be subject to any harm.

 

Maybe if I had more faith in people it wouldn't be such a hard thing for me to get my head around.

Re: Advice please

@greenpea I cant promise what it will be like.

I do have a friend who has worked in the field for 40 years, loves it, and is good at his job.

We only could have become friends if he had been genuine about it, as I was very touchy re losing people, and issues re being, in care.

It might be a little early yet, but being proactive can help.

Not that you want to get rid of him.

You want to find the BEST position possible for him, and for him to be in the BEST mindset to make the most of opportunities for himself.

It can be difficult as there are the usual "living with other people" to manage, and they may not be as obliging as you.

 

They put a lot of effort into some transition programs, maybe they can do that for him.  My brother was different as he did not have intellect disability etc.  There could be a GOOD dynamic generated by having your boy come home to weekly dinner date or weekend with you at home ... whatever ,,, and it turns from being boring mum ... to a treat ...

just tossing up ideas ... in the best of all possible worlds ...

 

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