Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @Former-Member

That money really does seem to bother you - I can tell you honestly - my money doesn't bother me one little bit

It seems the church elder gave you some good suggestions - having money in fixed term deposits is sound financial behaviour - it earns interest so it's working - and I have that in place -

And about the poor - your money can make the rest of your life more comfortable - you can stretch it out and just have some easier things - have some choices - as the poor will always be with us - and maybe you are one of the poor - who's counting - but that money won't go far with them - as for your son - see a solicitor and leave any balance to him when you do die and the elder is right - none of us know the hour or the day - you might live a long life yet - your depression will ease in the future - at least - from my own experience this happened

About your blood tests - that's a tough one - when it comes to colesterol - sheesh - I know my chemistry but working out good colesterol from bad colesterol is confusing - however - eating a variety of vegetables, wholemeal products, whole milk and some protein is a good diet - hey - it's my diet - and there is iron in dark green leafies - and I hate broccoli - and love cabbage - we don't have to eat anything we really dislike

The trouble is we need to eat less of our favourite stuff like chockie - but dark chocolate - this is the good news sis - dark chocolate is really good - about 4 squares a day - 

I like the good news

I can hear you - and I think your head is still ringing from all the changes in your life - but now you are debt-free and although you are making tough choices you are making them and while money doesn't fix depression it makes it a whole loe easier to live your life with choices

I don't know about the dog really - as I don't like them myself - much - but I love my cat and she is getting really hard to live with sometimes and I will be taking her to the vet soon to have her checked because of her grouchiness and bad behaviour - one reason I haven't been in much lately - too many things on my mind

I'm here for you Lapses - whether I am on-line or not

And I care

Dec

[Faith-and-Hope]

I like what the Elder said @Former-Member.   Some people have ongoing financial issues no matter what sort of financial support comes their way.  More than once we have given family friends (not just one set) money to help them in financial distress to fix broken cars and what-have-you, and then they have gone on holidays with the money, because they felt they needed a break from all their stress ..... and came back from their holiday to the same stress of a broken-down car and unpaid bills .....  and meanwhile we didn’t go on holidays because we didn’t feel we could afford it .... 

Sometines giving away money is not the right thing to do @Former-Member ..... sometimes (not always) people need to struggle and work in their own situations to develop values and strengths that don’t come to them any other way.

I suggest that you consider that the money you have is not a lot if you work out living expenses when you need to pay accommodation for yourself, and I strongly recommend the Elder’s advice about an interim account.  It’s not selfish @Former-Member ..... you are being financially responsible with what you have.

Take care of you ..... and you honour the Lord in doing so. Taking care of you is not an extravagance.

💜

[outlander]

i agree with what F&H has said here @Former-Member

[Former-Member]

hehehe - not that my hubby even had a wallet :face_with_rolling_eyes:

[Former-Member]

Thanks for kind words  @Owlunar @Faith-and-Hope and Thanks for ✅ @outlander You going ok? When’s the teeth coming out? Try not to stress about that.

I miss all my old friends here, and up north, those who have withdrawn from me here hurts, I’ve been trying to look at myself different, see what’s so unlikeable, but then blackdog joins the party and well, it’s not helpful. Just gotta keep being the best I can in the moment. Awful to have this echo in my head, of what what Bro4 said Bro2 said “I can’t stand her” (me ), I don’t know what’s so horrible. I have my lapses like everyone else but don’t think i’m What they say. And,?to know my sis is in my son’s ear, and probably him hers, God knows the extent of deformation, mocking... Don’t know how to handle my family, or how to wake up and realise ‘I don’t have one). Bro4 (the only one who’s frequented here) has gone quiet for days, I took dinner over for his birthday Wed night m, but then it occurred to me - he got his pension Thurs. usually goes quiet a few days after that (smokes dope I think) but also, he was suppose to pay me back $100. Sad isn’t it. How do I not become like them in bitterness. 

I’m worried someone I know irl is reading my posts here. Might have to become a former member 😕 When I can work out how with the new system. No great loss now so many have backed away, I can almost hear a chorus singing lol

Gotta go get ready to go out, been in my PJs for 2days so need all the candle energy you can light for me guys, plz

🌸💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

We’re here for you @Former-Member ..... ❤️ .... try to ignore the negative thoughts, and just keep posting.  Here and listening.

[Former-Member]

Didn’t make it out the door, got a syncope thing (anxiety or reaction to breakfast).

@ F&H, It’s hard to not listen to  thoughts, especially when ya by yaself all the time. Always trying to figure out why ppl treat us the way they do, what I’ve done wrong, but Then try figure out why the hell its so important to me anyway. 

But I agree that it’s all meaningless trying to work out the why’s and wherefore’s. Seems to stop the doing.

Doing and thanking God for what’s good seems to be the only relevant way to be? Like in Ecclesiastics.

Out of the blue I relived / flashback a rape, in this house, when I was 11yr old, and challenged myself for interacting with the offender since mum died (not close, just polite). It was hard to see again, but sad more than painful. Actually surprising I can even walk past that room every day. Through it to get to my room actually. Suppressed that relive all year.

The rooms and yards seem so much smaller now.

On a different note, I’ve Been on these ‘diet shakes’ a few days now, doing something that’s for sure. No bread or butter... Just veggies, tea, shakes & sometimes an apple. Simply gotta lose weight or have a stroke (sudden death is rare). And had no smokes for a week. So, even though I’ve ended up back in bed - guess I’m achieving something.

Booked a holiday home away next week, to a coastal town. A contact of a church friend - if she came along (guess they don’t know me well yet). Guessing I pay all costs though. Not sure about food, she rang yesterday saying we had to work something out... Think they wait for me to offer - which I usually do. It’s $70 night for 4nights which is very reasonable. If I pay that and petrol, do you think it’s too much to ask the friend to bring food? I don’t know what ppl expect anymore. Also, im on this very restrictive diet anyway. Should I get everything because she’s doing me a favour by coming. I didn’t tell he but being alone for my girls would be 21st B’day isn’t wise, though instinct is to be alone, but combined with SI, isolation and disassociation (happening a bit lately), it’s not safe to be alone I think. And I think this hard worker from church could use a break. Part of me wants to ring and cancel, just do a 12hr road trip to put flowers on my girls grave. That would be more appropriate. Maybe grab a rental there & stay. Not that I feel close to anyone their either. Just need to settle.

Sorry
Rambling

[Owlunar]

Aw @Former-Member

Your girl's 21st birthday - rough day - extra rough birthday - I found my son's 21st to be rough and tough - and now - in a few weeks - he would be turning 49 - time does pass - in retrospect - the years fly by - I get how this hurts - I know it myself - 

btw - these toxic sibs - I have two of them and have no thought to have either of them in my life - I guess I will see one of them at family funerals - that one can't help herself - the whole ceremony couldn't take place without her presence - 

But I don't have to like her or have her like me - and I really don't think I am a bad person because I have crappy sibs - and you don't have to measure yourself beside yours either - you are your own person and don't come across as anything but a loving caring person to me - or anyone here I am positive

Tough living alone at times - I get that - and if you are in your Dad's house the memories must be harder to deal with - I really detested going to my parents' place in my more mature years - to much stuff that was controlling - I get it - but there is worse stuff in that house where you are -

About seeing an old friend and wondering about the food - yes - ask what the plan is. There's nothing wrong with sorting that out in advance - and you are on a limited diet for your health - worth taking your own food with you - my grand-daughter is vegan and the whole family accepts that she brings her own food with her and I agree with her choice - it's for her health - if it wasn't my enjoyment of animal protein I could be vegan - I love vegies - so yeah

Stick to your guns to be different - to be independent - to have your choices - if you are taking your own food to a gathering you need not pay for anyone else's I am sure - I will be interested to hear what other people say here,

That birthday is going to be a hard date - no way around that - seeing an old friend is a good idea - reminding them of the significance of the date could be awkward - um - think about whether to mention it

It's tough Lapses - I know that - and you are uncertain about this new life you have - and that is natural - it will take a while for you to adapt to all the culture shock but it will pass - I can promise you that

You will always miss your daughter - she will always be with you in a special way though - she will always be young and beautiful in ways the rest of us cannot be - the years will not change her - I always think my son will always have acne but never wrinkles - I think of an aunt who died very young as still being very young though she would be over 100 now.

But as the years pass the loss stays but life because easier - I reckon I get by most of the time - 360 days of the year are ups-and-downsy - but they are livable - some are brillliant - others dreary - but the other 5 - nightmares - days I would rather not have. Perhaps this will always be the case

But I do care Lapses - I know the Black Dog is around but taking time for a holiday here and there is always a good thing - right now I can't go away - to much happening here - but I am still enjoying my last holiday and planning the next

Cya sis - Dec

[Faith-and-Hope]

Hugs and hugs @Former-Member .... you are doing so well and you need to hear it more.  That is so awful, your memory from that house .... is there something you can do to "reclaim the space"?  I know it doesn't fix what happened, but perhaps putting things that feel powerful and meaningful to you into that space, and lighting a candle in the room for the 11 year old girl who you were then, will make an emotional difference for you.  Perhaps allow yourself to grieve a little over what happened ..... and release that person from your life ..... actually saying "I release you from my life" might help you to leave it, once grieved over.

Friends like to share @Former-Member.  Perhaps ask your friend if there is something special she would like to bring in terms of food, and you will pay the accommodation and petrol, and see what happens ?  Most people would offer to pay "their" half ..... but there are other ways of contributing, and if she offers to bring the food, thank her and accept with a smile .... it's what friends do ..... 💜

I think it is very good that you won't be alone.  You can buy or pick some flowers and release them into the water for you girl, perhaps ..... think of ways you can honour her memory and feel that she is with you in spirit.

[Former-Member]

Not your fault @Owlunar, just my lot in life. It helps to know you’ve survived that and broken families. And I know you care. I care for you too 🌸💕