Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JamesBluntus]

On Friday, my friend posted a status on Facebook that indicated to me that she was depressed, and when she does that, it's one of my warning signs. So I messaged her asking her if she wanted to talk, and she said the standard "I'm fine" with a sad face. 

I told her that I was here if she needed someone to talk too, and she said that she'll just bottle it up inside of her. I tried to get her to talk, and she said she was used to bottling it up. 

My question is, how do you get someone to open up to you when you can see quite clearly that they are feeling down? 

[Lunar]

Hi there @JamesBluntus

I think what you have tried to do is already so helpful, you have told your friend you noticed they are currently struggling and you care about them, but perhaps they are not ready to open up but when they feel ready you are there for them.

I have also found some other tips that can sometimes help:

• Choose a time and a place that is suitable for both of you 
• Speak in a calm, quiet voice 
• Start the discussion by talking about how the person is feeling 
• Listen to what the person has to say, rather than doing most of the talking. Sometimes, when a person wants to talk, they are not always seeking advice, but just need to talk about their concerns.   
• Be patient and wait, it may take a while for your loved one to respond. Often just spending time with the person and listening to them lets them know someone cares and understands them 
• Remember that your ability to listen is a valuable resource to your loved one. Listening and letting them know, in a caring manner, that you have heard what they have said, is a valuable and supportive contribution 
• Let your loved one know that while you are here to support them, you feel ill-equipped to provide sufficient support on your own, and that some additional support from a professional might be more helpful 
• Share your own vulnerability - Tell your loved one about a time where you accepted help for a problem you were facing. This can help to normalise the idea of seeking help. 
• Clarify what your loved ones barriers to help-seeking actually are (e.g., fear) and consider ways to overcome those barriers together 
• Focus on the issues your loved one can acknowledge and suggest they get help for those (e.g., insomnia, difficulty concentrating).  
• Be patient, and remember that you do not have to offer immediate solutions 

I guess all you can do is check in and offer support and some times that will be rejected but atleast you have tried and perhaps one day they will be more ready 🙂

Your friend is very lucky to have you looking out for them,

Lunar

[CherryBomb]

Hi @JamesBluntus,

It's great that you care about your friend, and you're wanting to help them.

On top of @Lunar's advice, you can also help them just by being there as a friend as you normally would. Continue to do things, invite them out, call them as you usually would. This is not to suggest that you avoid discussing their depression. More so that you are there as a support. As Lunar pointed out, you have let them know that you're there for them when they want to chat. Other than that, you can make someone open. They will when they are ready too. 

You might want check out @cocliquot's conversation about how to help someone who doesn't want help.Seem like they were/are facing similar circumstances. Feel free to contribute to that discussion too. 

@JamesBluntus, you mentioned that your friend's Facebook posts was one of her warning signs. Have you supported them through something like this before?