Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[lollipop]

Hi!

I am after some tips on how to best break a negative thought spiral - my hubby has been diagnosed with depression and when he is struggling with it he gets stuck in a negative spiral. Nothing I say is right, it is always turned into a negative in some way - I find that I always have to be super careful in the way that I word things, my tone and even then I get it wrong! An example is the other night I asked him if he was ok because I thought he was looking a little down and he started talking to me about how he was feeling (which is a good thing) but he talked himself into a full circle (lots of negative remarks) which finished with 'you haven't even asked how I am'. I am so confused as to what to do! 

I end up just listening but not saying anything because it doesn't seem to be heard or help anyway. Any tips on how to be heard and break that negative spiral? I hate just seeing him spiral downwards right in front of me. I have asked him on a good day whether there is anything I can say or do to help him during these times and he 'doesn't know'.

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts or experience 🙂

Thankyou!

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @lollipop

Welcome to the forums!

I am sorry to hear about what is happening it really sounds like you feel stuck between a rock and a hard place and as you say asking him to tell you about what helps is usually the best place to start but he has not reached that place of understanding within himself yet. 

Given his diagnosis and how it sounds like it is significantly effecting his life, is he currently receiving any mental health support? if he is seeing a psychologist or mental health social worker then they would be working with him on ways to break/challenge this cycle when he feels triggered and ways to calm himself when he does reach a point where his physiology is so elevated that he can no longer evaluate his own thoughts / think clearly.

the difficulty is that as you say when someone gets completely overwhelmed by their own thoughts like that they usually cant hear anyone so your only options are around trying to help him find ways to calm down.

@shr recently spoke about having a husband with depression and wanting to connect with others here  so did @Ven and @Kearo. Then in this thread @pip suggested to write a letter to get through to a partner who had difficulty hearing what the other had to say...

I was also thinking about what Janna said here regarding how it is not your responsibility or ability to regulate his thoughts, but a more effective focus could be to streghten your relationship? 

what do others think?

[pip]

lollipop. Just a thought here, if you haven't already tried, perhaps a letter telling him you don't know what to say when he's feeling down. Perhaps telling him you love him and want to be there, but then just leave him to come to you when he's ready. When someone is depressed to the point your hubby is, they often don't 'receive' what you say. That is to say, they 'hear' but are unable to communicate because they often don't understand themselves. They will then attempt to answer by 'running' round in circles because they're trying to explain something they can't comprehend. Imagine (if possible) trying to communicate with someone with dementia, it's exactly the same principle. Because the brain has (for a moment) ceased to function on the same level, communicating with someone with severe depression is the same as communicating with someone with dementia. The only difference is your hubby's depression only spirals when he is on a downer. With dementia, it's permanent, although the patient does have lucid moments, they are few and far between. When your hubby is 'on top' that's the only time to tell him 'I'm here for you, when you need to talk'. Also point out that you try to build him up when he's not receiving, therefore it would be best if he realizes that sometimes he simply doesn't receive. Tell him, it's not his fault, it's the illness taking over and you'll always be there. I know exactly how hard it is for you, perhaps when he's really 'down', it might pay for you to do something for you. There is nothing you can do except let him know you love him, and when he's ready to talk, you will listen. Be aware, he will probably repeat the same thing for sometime. This is because he's trying to process why and how to fight the downward slump he's feeling. He hasn't actually heard you ask how he was. People with severe depression often don't hear questions regarding their general well-being. All they hear is their own negative thoughts.

[lollipop]

Thanks @Fancy_Pants this is really helpful . He doesn't have any mental health support at this stage, it took a long time and basically me breaking down (after he mentioned his suicidal thoughts/plan) to get him to see our gp, he is on medication now which has made a huge difference and is starting to clear the fog so to speak, I am hopeful that he will also get some extra guidance but his doctor was going to see how the pills went first.

[lollipop]

Thanks @pip, that has really helped me understand why he doesn't hear. I spoke to him about it and he can't remember the entire conversation we had when he was in his downward spiral at all! I understand why now - but it makes it hard for him to understand what is going on when he can't remember it happening at all!

Should I reply to two people in the same post and tag them or do separate post replys like I have done this time? I am a novice when it comes to forums (although you may have already guessed that!)

Thanks 🙂

[Tiggeroo]

Hey @lollipop,

I would 100% agree that you should try the honest tack, sometimes it is easier to have the conversation when they are not in a depressive mood (which I realise isn’t that helpful too you now). I often tell my partner I am worried about him and I don’t know what to do so I need his help. Asking them for direction also helps break their though patterns.

I have a tendency to ask my partner if he is ok, which actually sparks his thoughts about how he is feeling and sends him downhill. So we agreed (on a non-depressive moment) that instead of asking if he was ok, if I didn’t think he was ok, I would ask him if he would like to do something instead, he would want to say no but he really forced himself to take action to avoid the spiral. So for example, our poor dog walked further in those months than any dog in its whole life, because I would say, "Do you want to take the dog for a walk?". We would grab the dog and go for a quick walk which would break his overthinking and allow him fresh air and sunshine. He could also chat to me on the walk about if something was bothering him or causing him anxiety. Or I would ask him to help me cook something, anything that takes his mind from where it was headed. Over time he has learnt to identify the signals in himself a little better and now sometimes he will say, "Can we take the dog for a walk"... I often want to say "Um no dude I am busy doing nothing!" but I never do.. haha!

I also call bullsh*t when my partner is being really negative, this is reflective of the type of relationship we share and will not work for everyone, but usually we laugh a lot and playfully tease each other so it fits in to our life. Just as an example, he will be busy convincing himself he is having the worst day ever and the whole universe is against him and I will say something like “watch out the sky will fall on you next” or one day there was an earthquake on the news so I said “look what your bad mood has done now”. It is enough to startle him and allow me time to then find some good points to share, even if it is just, “well you are having a fantastic facial hair day” or “I like your face”. If I can break the thought process and make him smile, we usually see a lift in mood.

Hopefully some of that waffle was helpful to you!

xx

Tigs

[lollipop]

Thanks @Tiggeroo I didn't consider that asking if he was ok may be unhelpful so that is a great suggestion, will definately give doing something a go - thanks heaps 🙂

[MIFANTCARER]

Hi there, hope things have lifted for you and your man.

I have been doing some activities around moving a mood. Its based on catching a thought when it happens, holding it or seperating it to a visualised space for a minute and asking, what is this about? where has it come from and what is the opposit of it. Its a daily practice and a game changer when some one really wants to be the commander of their life.

Old learnt behaviours and thought patterns keep us stuck; where as, new futuristic positive thoughts equate to movement.

Examples are, I can't to I can, Im sick to Im recovering, I not good enough, I am enough.

Visualise what you would prefer to see, the (I can) becomes a visualisation of actually doing what you thought you couldnt.

In good health,

I hope you and your partner experience harmony daily

[Former-Member]

hello lollipop

love your name

you have had some really helpful responses which is what this site is all about. Responding.

The struggles that you are both feeling at opposite ends of the pole or even on two totally different poles are still very real.

I have been diagnosed with a major depressive disorder for some time now.

I started with depression from a young age. i had a holiday from the illness for a while and then external circumstances one after the other became too many and too difficult. i reached a point in my life where i could no longer suppress and the ugliness took over.

My sister and my mother, dont get mental illness, because it hurts them to know when i am unwell, they have found out in the past when ive been in hospital.

my husband also doesnt get it. he kept asking why wasnt i so happy like he was, we had everything. i could not answer that and i felt worse. i tried to explain there is no one answer there are just many emotions, stuck hard, hiding and words cannot express that.

i have told my husband, sister, mum that i dont want them to try and advise me how to deal with my condition even though they want to help. i have told them that I know they want to help me and i know how much they love me. I have told my husband, what he can do is just listen when i let him know through tears that is all that i can cope with at that time. to hold me hug me not say anything just hang on to me so that i dont slip further away.

so im opening up my heart here to try to help you to better understand a horrid condition that is different for every sufferer but a common factor is that we dont want to be told what to do, how to feel, to be positive, to cheer up. when we are in a bad moment.

yes we want to be happy, laugh have fun, be there for the people in our lives as well when we are able to. sometimes we just cant move.

do take time out for yourself. be kind and gentle with yourself. tell yourself that he loves you and that you are helping him just by being there.

i hope this helps you to understand a tiny bit more at least.

[Former-Member]

hello again
I now have a son who has a different mental illness and I am putting into practice what I have asked from others. I know how hard it is to do. treading on eggshells