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547
New Contributor

Feel so alone

I'm not a carer, rather a daughter who admittantly doesnt know much about mental health. This is my first time on here, apologies if this sounds like a rant:

 

I live at home with my mother, who I believe suffers from some form of mental illness. I think it's anxiety, although she refuses to seek medical attention. Growing up, she has always been controlling and demanding, we had what felt like a thousand rules in our household, some things were somewhat reasonable, many did not seem to be. Often she we would 'fly off the handle' into a fit if rage (not violent but often verbal abuse) - I have thick skin and so do other family members so even though it was painful I learnt to think nothing of it, just go and hide in my room until it was over. That all got worse after she had a major surgery about 6 years ago, afterwards she seemed to become more and more afraid of everything, rules to live in the house became even more strenuous etc. After her mother died of dementia it amplified - we are now living in a household that to me feels like a prison. Isolation due to Covid-19 has made her even more 'formiddable'. I am afraid to go near her or touch something in the house without her 'blowing up' at me about the inevitable mistake she believes I have made - even when I have done my utmost to follow her directions and am trying to do something nice for her.

 

When she becomes angry she screams for what seems like hours and can often spend many hours fixated on the same 'issue' screaming and shouting at me or other family members. I do all I can to keep out of her way, but honestly I just feel so alone and scared to do basic things in my house such as pour some cereal or choke on water without her 'freaking out' at me. 

 

I do my best to support her, respect her and do what she tells me, however as a fulltime worker and post grad uni student I am struggling to balance this. I know I should probably be doing more but honestly I don't know what I can do, I'm afraid one day I'm just going to crack and fall apart completely.

7 REPLIES 7
Romi
Casual Contributor

Re: Feel so alone

So sorry you are going through this.  My mother had an undiagnosed mental health issue which was very hard to deal with so I can fully empathise.  Unfortunately, I don't have any advice, other than to take care of yourself and this may even include leaving the family home.

Re: Feel so alone

Hello, I honestly believe the beginning of any answer should be focused on your own self help. If u can get yourself assistance this will give you strength and allow you to help others with clear fresh eyes and mind.

Re: Feel so alone

Hello, I'm sorry for your situation it sounds so difficult to deal with. I feel that your mother needs some parental training in emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is when you are self aware of how your emotions are affecting those around you and understanding the impact on others. So insead of just going solo in your room, pick your moment when she's calm and open to talking to you, perhaps you can do some research yourself and share your findings with your Mum, like start a conversation about how you learned about Emotional Intelligence and give her some examples of how these strategies can have a positive impact on improving relationships. It could end up being an activity that you can research and learn together. Lack of knowledge and lack of life experiences can limit parents ability to communicate with their children. If you'd like to know more I can share some more information about this. I'm a life coach and Vocational Educator. I also have a teenage son with Mental illness so I like to come onto these forums and speak to other people it makes me realise that I'm not alone and many people are dealing with so many issues, it's difficult for many people, we just need to find the right strategy to handle the situations to get the control back. Take care

Re: Feel so alone

Hey there @547,

Welcome to the forums, I hope you find it really helpful and supportive Smiley Happy That sounds so stressful living in isolation together. I can hear that you are 'walking on eggshells' to avoid triggering her, but the result is that you are living in fear at home. 

I hope you keep reaching out here if it is helpful, and have you ever seen a psychologist or counsellor to talk about this? 

Also welcome @B_01 and @OMG12 💜

Re: Feel so alone

Hello @547@B_01@OMG12@Romi 

how are you going today Heart

Jo
Senior Contributor

Re: Feel so alone

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this.  I can't emphasise enough, the importance of looking after yourself. It may sound selfish to adopt the attitude that YOUR health, physically, mentally and emotionally is more important than anything else at the moment but by constantly focussing on your mother 24/7 you are neglecting your own wellbeing. Please take time out to strengthen and heal. If you don't you will end up becoming so exhausted you could experience  a breakdown.If this were to happen, who would then care for your Mum? 

Re: Feel so alone

heyyyyy hello @Jo 

how lovely to see you xxx

what you wrote is very true my friend , we do need to care for ourselves to care for others 

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